You are Vampster, the world's first vampire hamster.
You were born in a small town in northern Illinois, and as you grew up your parents had you trained to hunt.
Your mission in life:
to kill all humans.
The only thing standing between you and that goal is the fact that you're now a college student.
You are the only hamster student at Illinois State Community College. Your best friend is a
rabbit named Penny. Her name means "bunny" in Spanish.
You have no idea what it was like to be hunted by humans before.
You plan a big homecoming party at your parents place while they are out of town.
A few of your friends will also be there.
The party starts around midnight. You decide to stay in the basement.
The party is a huge success! It seems like everyone on campus is at your house. You decide it is time to strike!
You lock yourself in the basement. You check your watch; it is 1: 30 AM. The party has been going for about 4 hours. You take off your clothes and crawl into bed.
Right before you go to sleep, you put on your gas mask and you hit the big red button labeled "POISON GAS". Everyone in the house inhales the noxious fumes. You wake up and see
that you are still alive. You get dressed and head upstairs.
As you walk to the front door, you hear voices coming from inside the house.
It's a detective and several police officers. You failed to kill even 1 human and now you'll be going to jail. Time for Plan B:
you run through the house. You knock over some of the furniture and accidentally step on a hose. You trip over a chair and fall down. You land on top of a trash can.
This start's a Rube Goldberg domino effect that ends with the detective being decapitated and one of the officers drops a live grenade which gets rid of the rest of the police inside the house.
You wake up and look around. You find the dead detective, the officer who dropped the grenade, and the other cops. You think to yourself, "I'm a bad ass."
This gives you enough time to escape out of the back and avoid the army of police out front. You make your way to Penny's house and tell her everything.
She tells you she knows how to get out of here. You grab a couple of beers and head out to your car.
You drive home and park in the driveway.
As soon as you step out of the car, police ambush you from every direction. A helicopter hover about, SWAT team members storm out of the house, and they even have a tank!
They surround your car but you manage to get out of the car and run away. You run across a field and jump into a ditch.
You tell them you are on a mission from God.
They don't believe you so they shoot at you. You manage to dodge their bullets and keep running. You eventually come across a farmhouse. You climb over the fence and go inside.
Inside the farmhouse, you meet the Farmer and his wife. They see all the comottion outside and help hide you.
You stay in the farmhouse for another 3 days. The Farmer and his wife have been watching you and have been keeping you fed. You finally realize that you need to return to school.
You make it just in time to take your final exams. You feel pretty good until you exit the school and see
the police cars surrounding the parking lot. You drive away from the school and head to your parents house.
Your parents are not home yet. You go to your room where you find Penny.
You lean in for one final kiss with Penny.
You both say goodbye and go downstairs. You open the fridge and grab a beer. You find Penny hiding behind the fridge. You ask her if she would like to join you for a drink.
You share a shot of your favorite liquor:
Jack Daniels. You drink the whiskey and then you pass out.
The next morning, you wake up in your bed. You are naked. You look around.
The end.
The moral of the story:
Do not try this at home.
Vampster's Side:
When I awoke, I was in my bed naked and alone. I looked around the room. There were no witnesses.
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