You are the Lawnmower Man, a man pretending to be a lawnmower.

Posted under Story On By Chief

You are the Lawnmower Man, a man pretending to be a lawnmower.  You feel like you are a lawnmower born in a human body and while roleplaying as a lawnmower you have never felt better.  You are currently attending a city hall meeting where a group of people are trying to make it illegal for you to eat grass.  You prepare your impassioned speech while listening to the opposition leader: Linda Bartoli.
I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It's like a cross between a surrealist story and a bad acid trip.
It's funny because it's true.  I was watching that movie on Netflix last night and thought of this.
I believe you.
 You listen to Linda ramble on about ethics and keeping the town clean.
 And then you're like "fuck this shit I'm going to go mow some grass."
That's actually exactly what happened during the scene where she is giving her speech.  The part with the lawnmower was just an example of how surreal it would be if it were real life.
I can see this happening.
 The city council asks you why do you want to act like a lawnmower.  This is your Oscar Winning Moment!  You tell them:
 "I am a lawnmower because I feel like a lawnmower. I don't know any other way to explain it."  Then they look at each other and say "okay, we'll let you keep doing that."
When I get my Oscar I will remember this thread.  (That said, I think it's more likely that I'd just forget about this thread.
 Linda is furious and actively tries to making your life as a lawnmower a living hell.  She regularly covers your lawn in rocks and broken glass.  You realize you have to convince her if you are going to be left alone.  You ask Linda out to dinner to talk things over and to your surprise she agrees.
She's not furious, she's just trying to keep the town clean. Just like the guy who wants to ban lawnmowers from eating grass.
Linda is all about keeping the town clean.   But she has no problem with grass eating lawnmowers.
 You tell Linda, "Hey, it's not sexual."
  She replies, "I know.  I've seen it before.  But it's still wrong."  So you decide to try and sway her opinion by telling her, "Look Linda, I'm a lawnmower because I feel like a lawnmower.  I don't know any other way to explain it."
She's not wrong.
 Linda gets too drunk and reveals that she has had fantasies about being a Hedgetrimmer, but she feels that is an afront to God himself.
 And since she doesn't want to go to hell, she must stop you from eating grass.
That's when you offer to let her sit on your lap.  She accepts.  That night you take her home and spend the night together.  Afterwards she tells you, "That was great.  But I'm still against lawnmowers eating grass."
 The next morning, you go to the Home & Garden center and buy a bunch of hedges for Linda.  She bursts into tears when she sees what you've done.  Then she goes berserk ripping the hedges out of the lawn and speaking in tongues as if possessed by the devil.
She's not possessed, she's just really passionate about keeping the town clean.  And also really passionate about doing it in the butt.
You decide to give her a break and suggest that she come over to your place later that night.  You get ready and wait eagerly for her arrival.  Then suddenly she appears at your door.
 Linda is wearing a hedgetrimmer costume.
  She says, "I've always wanted to be a hedgetrimmer.  Let's fuck!"  You are turned on.  You agree to put on the hedgetrimmer costume and do it with her.  Afterward she says, "That was great.  But I'm still against grass eating lawnmowers."
She's not an asshole.
 You give up and realize the only way Linda might accept grass eating lawnmowers into her life is if you create a religion and brainwash her into joining.  You name your new grass eating lawnmower roleplaying religion:
 Lawnmower Manism.
She joins the church.  But she quickly becomes disillusioned with the whole thing when she realizes that Lawnmower Manism is nothing more than an excuse for people to eat grass and pretend to be lawnmowers.  She leaves the church and starts her own church: Linda's Church of Keeping the Town Clean.  Her followers are called Lindaists.
 You decide to convert to Linda's Church of Keeping the Town Clean.
  You become a Lindaist.
Linda's Church of Keeping the Town Clean is very successful. But after a while, you start feeling like something is missing from your life. You start thinking to yourself: "If only I could eat grass without getting in trouble."  Then one day you see a lawnmower eating grass.
 Then it hits you!  If everyone thinks you ARE a lawnmower, then no one will shame you.  You undergo expensive and extremely dangerous reconstructive surgery to take on the appearance of Toro Riding Mower.
  You are now known as Toro Riding Mower.
You go to the Home & Garden center and buy a bunch of Toro Riding Mowers. Toro Riding Mowers are very popular.  But then Toro Riding Mower starts to get jealous of Toro Riding Mowers.
 You sue Toro Riding Mowers for using your appearance in their products without paying you for appearance rights
.  The trial lasts for years.  Finally, Toro Riding Mowers wins the case and you are forced to pay them $10 million dollars in damages.
You're not happy with the outcome.  You decide to go back to eating grass, but this time you are going to disguise yourself.  You buy a bunch of fake mowers and attach them to your body.
 You realize you've gone so far out of your way to appease Linda that you forgot how to be happy on your own terms.  You pay Linda a visit and tell her that you don't care what she thinks of you anymore!
  You leave the town forever, never to return.  Your story ends here.
I'm sorry. I thought it was funny.
I liked it too.  It's like if someone tried to write a serious story about me.  I'd probably laugh at myself too.
Have you ever read "The Life Of Pablo" by Kanye West?