You are Dracula, a vampire whose original coffin was sold at a thrift store.

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You are Dracula, a vampire whose original coffin was sold at a thrift store. You go to the house of the new owner of the coffin. You find the coffin in the living room. You open up the coffin and see that it's full of copies of Sister Act 2. You look offended, while saying, "My coffin is being used to store copies of a mediocre Whoopi Goldberg film?" Tony walks up to you and says, "Hey, the first fifteen minutes of Sister Act 2 is really good."
 "Yeah, I know," you say. "But it's still not enough to justify its existence." You turn back to the coffin. "And why am I being punished for this?
 You ask Tony if he can just throw all of these away and you'll gladly take the coffin off of his hands.
 He tells you that you're going to have to pay him for it though.
 You agree and take the coffin home with you.  You prepare to sleep the day away in your new coffin and hop in.  It is very comfortable and doesn't let any light in, but it does have a faint sound playing... the Sister Act 2 soundtrack is quietly playing on loop when the coffin lid is shut.
 Sister Mary Margaret comes into the room and sees that you're in a coffin. She asks, "What are you doing in my coffin?" You say, "I'm resting in peace."
 You realize Tony sold you a stolen coffin and the church has come to claim it back.  You explain to Sister Mary that you bought it, but she is having none of it.  You beg her to let you keep the coffin as it is the most comfortable bed you've ever slept in.  When you say this, Sister Mary's face goes pale and she says, "Y-y-you are a VAMPIRE!"
 You tell her that you only eat blood from the innocent and that you're no threat to her. You promise her that you won't hurt her or the church.
 Sister Mary breathes a sigh of relief and tells you that, for a price, she will tell you where a whole bunch of innocents are staying.  You make a hefty donation to the Church and follow Sister Mary to the land of the innocents, also known as
 the "Coffin City". The town is filled with coffins. There are hundreds of them. You walk through the town looking for a place to stay.
 You find a Discount Cough Inn and spend the night.  You are awoken by a knock.  It is the Mayor of Coffin City:
 Mr. Wilson. He tells you that there are two other coffins in the town, one belonging to a nun named Sister Mary Margaret and another belonging to a priest named Father O'Malley.
 Father O'Malley is right behind the mayor and introduces himself to you.
 He tells you that they are both in the process of being turned into vampires and that he will be your guide through the town.
 Father O'Malley tells you that everyone in Coffin City is looking to become a vampire.  Father shows you all the notable places and people of Coffin City:
 the local bar (The Old Tavern), the local church (St. Peter's Catholic Church), and the local cemetery (Cemetery Cemetery).
 You tell the mayor to gather everyone in the town at Cemetery Cemetery tonight at midnight.  You have a big surprise for them.  Everyone shows up dressed in vampire-like garb.  You announce that you are a real vampire and you will be feasting and turning people TONIGHT!
 As the crowd gathers, you gather them around you and ask them if they want to become vampires. You invite them to come closer so you can get to know them better.
 You feast all night long until the sun is about to rise.  You then tell everyone that you've turned the side effects of vampirism:
 thirst, hunger, and pain. You tell them that the only way to cure themselves is to drink blood. All the people in the graveyard line up and start drinking blood.
 You wonder who is supplying all this blood for everyone, and then you see it's Father O'Malley!  Father O'Malley tells you that he has been hoarding blood from
 all the innocent people in the town for years. He says that he will give you a lot of blood for free since you're a vampire.
 You get fat and plump off all the free blood that you didn't even have to hunt for.  Then you notice a sign pop up at the church "BLOOD $1000 PER GALLON"!  Father tells you that the free blood was only temporary and now you need to pay for it!
 You tell Father O'Malley that you'll pay for it. You tell him that you'll gladly pay $1, 000 per gallon to drink blood.
 You've lived for thousands of years and hoarded your wealth, so this is nothing to you.  However all the residents you've turned into vampires cannot afford it and vampire crimes skyrocket.
 You tell them that the only way they can get their blood is to do good deeds for the community.
 You quickly burn through your savings trying to feed the town.  It looks like you are going to need to hunt again, but you are too fat and lethargic.  You decide the easier way would be to spy on Father O'Malley and find out where he gets his blood.
 You sneak into the church and find Father O'Malley's office. You snoop around and find a book full of names of people who are eligible to become vampires.
 You are distracted by the sound coming from the basement.  You head down a secret entrance in the library and see rows upon rows of Virgin Mary statues crying blood into troughs.  It's a Saint Factory!
 You hear a voice say, "Don't you worry about me. I'm just here to help.  Help me find a good man to marry."
 It's Father O'Malley!  At first you are confused by his words, but then you lean in for a kiss.
 Father O'Malley grabs you and kisses you hard on the mouth.  He says, "I'll have you soon enough. But we're not done yet.
 Father O'Malley tells you his secret plans:
 he wants to turn all the women in the town into vampires.  They would be able to drink blood from any willing male and pass their vampire gene to their children.
 You agree and together with Father O'Malley you turn the entire town of Coffin City in vampires in just a few days.
 You leave the two of them and go back to your coffin.  You fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night to find that the lid of the coffin is open.
 You look above you to see Sister Mary hovering you with a wooden stake and a necklace made of garlic.  You try to convince her not to kill you by saying, "Not all vampires are bad..."
 But she does not listen to you. She stabs you in the chest and you bleed to death.  You wake up in a coffin in the cemetery.
 The end. 
Epilogue:
  The End.
This story is over.  I have no more ideas for stories.  I hope you enjoyed my work.  Thank you for reading!