You are Jack Jackman, a very dumb man who somehow got a job at Google
. You have been fired from your previous jobs for being too stupid to work with others or use technology in any way. Your parents divorced when you were young and your father left the family home shortly after that.
Your manager at Google puts you on a very special project:
A new operating system for smartphones called “Oscar”. The company is trying to make it easier for people to use their phones by making them faster, more efficient, and simpler to operate.
6 months later you present your operating system that you have helped build. It has the following state of the art features:
- No bugs!
- Faster than Android
- More secure than Apple's iPhone
- Easier to use than Windows Phone 7
The product manager is ecstatic about your software and decides to give it an immediate release date.
But what your manager doesn't know is that all of the features were lies. Phones with "Oscar" start shipping worldwide and the public reception is awful. You sit in a conference room and read some of the terrible reviews:
- “It took me five minutes just to figure out how to turn off my phone!”
– “I can’t find anything on this thing!”
– “My wife keeps calling me to ask if I’m going to get her a new
phone because she hates mine so much!”
– “This thing is slower than molasses!”
– “There is no app store!”
Your manager calls you into his office and gives you a piece of paper that says:
Dear Jack,
You are
fired.
Thanks for everything.
Best regards,
Mister X
Yours truly,
Your boss
He tells you that he will be taking over your project and will need to hire someone else to help him finish the project.
You notice Mister X has brought in your step brother, Hugh Jackman, to help fix the disaster that is "Oscar".
He starts asking you questions like:
Hugh: So Jack, why did your software crash?
Jack: Oh... Well, it was because there was a bug in the code.
Hugh: How do you know that?
Jack: Because I wrote the code.
Hugh: What?! You wrote the entire operating system?!
Jack: Yes sir!
Hugh: That is insane! Who let you write such a huge program without testing it first?
You point to your project manager. Hugh extends his wolverine claws and stabs your manager in the gut.
"That's right!" You say. "It was my fault! My software crashed because I didn't test it properly."
Hugh looks at you and laughs.
"Oh, Jack.
Don't worry about it. We'll take care of things now. This will be easy to fix."
Hugh grabs your manager and throws him against the wall.
"How dare you accuse Jack of writing bad code?"
"Get out!" You shout. "I'm done here. Get rid of him."
Hugh walks away and leaves your manager lying on the floor bleeding.
You walk out of the office and back to your apartment where you live with your girlfriend, Lucy.
Lucy asks, "So... how did it go?"
"It was horrible," you say. "I've never felt so humiliated in my life. They said they would fix it but I don't think that will ever happen."
She hugs you.
The next day you go into work and notice that the X-men have begun fixing your operating system.
"Jack!" Hugh says. "We're finished! Everything works perfectly now. We fixed the bugs, tested the code, and added all the extra features that you wanted. You should be proud of yourself!"
You realize that the X-men have just stolen the latest unreleased version of Apple's operating system and put your name on it. Professor X winks at you and telepathically says, "No one will ever know, Jack!"
You are stunned and horrified by what has happened.
"What do we do now?" You ask.
"Don't worry, Jack. We'll be fine. I've already sent out emails to everyone saying that the software was written by you and that you will be taking over the project.
Steve Jobs senses something is wrong and returns from the dead to sue you.
He points at you and says, "You stole my operating system! I'm going to ruin you!"
"Yes sir!" You say. "I will gladly pay whatever damages you request.
Hugh Jackman steps in front of you and says, "Not so easy, bub. Steve Jobs you'll have to defeat the X-men first!"
Steve smiles and raises his staff.
"Who wants to see some real power?!"
Everyone in the room falls to their knees and begs for mercy.
You look around and see the X-men smiling at you.
Jean Grey appears behind Steve and kicks him in the balls.
"Ouch! Jean, that hurt!" He cries.
"Sorry, boss," She says. "But we need to get these people to safety before the cops arrive."
Hugh Jackman punches Steve in the face and sends him flying through the air.
You and the X-men rush outside to see Beast ready to fly everyone out of here in the jet.
"Come on, Jack," He says. "Let's go home."
"Wait!" You shout. "What about the lawsuit? Can we fight that too?"
Beast grins and says, "Sure thing, Jack."
Beast shoots a supreme court case ruling missile at the Apple headquarters.
"I hope this works," He says. "If not, we may have to kill another person or two."
You and the X-men watch as the building crumbles down around Steve Jobs' feet.
Steve Jobs stands in the rubble and transforms into his final form.
"You can't escape me, Jack!" He screams. "I am The Master of All Media! I own everything and everyone in the world!"
He turns into a giant ball of light and flies away.
You know you have to go to the President of Google and ask him how to defeat Steve Jobs.
"Please, Mr. Schmidt," You say. "Help us stop this evil genius."
Mr. Schmidt frowns and says, "Well, Jack. I'm sure you've heard of the internet, haven't you?"
Mr Schmidt sends you a link to a site called "Let Me Google That For You" and it automatically searches Google for "How to defeat Steve Jobs". You see a post on Stack Overflow that explains in detail how to kill Steve Jobs:
"Here's how to beat him. First, you must create an operating system that will replace his."
You read the post and begin to laugh.
"Yes, I know," You say.
"That's exactly what I did."
You explain to Mr. Schmidt that you created a new operating system based on Darwinian evolution and gave it to the X-men.
"Wow!"
After one million years of evolution, your operating system has evolved to be strong enough to defeat Steve Jobs. Steve's final words:
"Fools! You cannot stop me!"
You tell Mr. Schmidt about the nuclear warhead that you created and used to destroy Apple's headquarters.
"Well, Jack," He says.
Epilogue:
Two months later...
You are walking down the street when suddenly you hear a voice cry out, "Jack!"
You turn around to see a woman running towards you.
"I'm sorry, Jack," She says.
It's the Storm from the X-men.
"I shouldn't have left you," She says. "I should have stayed with you. I should have helped you."
She throws her arms around you and holds you tight.
"I love you, Jack," She says.
You look into the dark sky as rain starts to fall. You look deep into Storm's eyes and say, "Looks like a Storm is about to cum." and wink.
Storm looks at you with shock and surprise.
"I'm serious," You say. "I'm not joking."
Storm blushes and says, "Oh my god! I think I might be pregnant!"
You hug Storm tight and cry tears of joy that you are going to be a father.
"This is the best day of my life," You say.
And then you both start laughing uncontrollably.
You look up into the dark sky and say, "Now we just have to figure out how to deal with the Hulk."
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