EXT. AIPD Office in Maine
A noise complaint that turns out to be
a threat: "I'm going to kill you, asshole." The phone call is traced back to the office of a lawyer named David Harstein. This is the first time we've seen him, but he's been on our radar for some time now.
MULDER
David Hartstein is notoriously anti x-files.
SCULLY
Mr Harstein is just covering up for Jason, head of the AIPD.
MULDER
Yes... Jason has been stealing alien Technology.
He and his men have been using it to develop new weapons. I'm trying to stop him before he can use them against us.
HARTSTEIN
You're wasting your time. You'll never get any evidence from me.
Mulder looks down at the desk and sees all of the evidence he needs splayed out on Mr Harstein's desk:
photographs, diagrams, blueprints.
MULDER
What is this?
HARTSTEIN
A plan for a new weapon system.
MULDER
New weapons are not what we need right now.
HARTSTEIN
Mulder, we used to think that your cat was eaten by Alf. However, Alf was taking the blame for Jason. Jason ate your cat!
MULDER
That's not possible. It couldn't be.
HARTSTEIN
Jason has taken over the AIPD. He's using it as a front for his operations.
SCULLY secretly takes photographs of all of the evidence. Scully and Mulder leave the office.
INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT CRAB RESTAURANT
Mulder and Scully are looking over all of the photos and shocked to see all of the nefarious plans Jason and the boys at AIPD are plotting.
SCULLY
They're planning to make an alien weapon.
MULDER
An alien weapon?
SCULLY
It's a spaceship. They want to build a giant ship that will fly through space.
MULDER
Jason hates Birthdays, surely that's another Felony.
SCULLY
He doesn't hate birthdays. He loves birthdays. He wants to blow up the White House and kill everyone in it.
MULDER
Why would he do that?
SCULLY
He thinks we're going to invade Earth. That's why he wants a spaceship. To attack us.
MULDER
We have to tell Skinner.
SCULLY
Yeah, right.
Mulder and Scully get up and walking into the kitchen of the seafood restaurant. The talk to the Head Chef Skinner.
SKINNER
How was the crab special? (wink)
SCULLY
The crab special was great.
SKINNER
Then you should order it again.
SCULLY
I'm sure I will.
Mulder is very suspicious of Skinner.
Mulder notices that Skinner appears to have a strange crab like body.
MULDER
Do you have a body like that?
SKINNER
No. But my mother did.
MULDER
Your mother had a crab-like body?
SKINNER
My father says she was a mermaid.
Scully tells Skinner that his mother was part of a top secret AIPD project cross humans and crabs to create the ultimate super solider perfect for naval combat.
SCULLY
She was a prototype.
SKINNER
What happened to her?
SCULLY
They lost her when she fell off the boat.
SKINNER
That's too bad.
The floor begins to shake and bursting into the room comes Skinner's Mom would has the top half body of a crab and the lower half body of a human woman.
SKINNER'S MOM
(speaking with a crab voice)
Hello, Mulder.
MULDER
What are you doing here?
SKINNER
This is my mom.
She died in a freak accident.
MULDER
I'm sorry to hear that.
SKINNER
Thanks.
MULDER
Is there anything I can do?
SKINNER
Yeah.
SKINNER'S MOM
You can help me by getting revenge on the Jason from AIPD.
SCULLY
Revenge isn't exactly out business.
MULDER
But we'll do it anyway!
INT. AIPD HQ - Jason's Office
Jason is busy working on a computer screen when Mulder walks in.
JASON
(looking at the screen)
Aha!
Mulder grabs the laptop and throws it across the room.
JASON
Hey!
Mulder is furious and punches Jason in the face.
JASON
What are you doing?
Mulder pulls out his gun and points it at Jason.
MULDER
Don't move. I'll shoot if you do.
Jason stops moving.
I know what you've been doing with AIPD. You've been stealing technology and developing new weapons.
JASON
Yes, that is what we do here at AIPD. Do you know what AIPD stands for? AIPD:
Advanced Intelligent Projection Device.
MULDER
Advanced Intelligence Projection Device? What does that mean?
JASON
It means we're smarter than you.
MULDER
You're lying.
Skinner's Mom charges into the room with Scully and Skinner.
SKINNER'S MOM
(speaking with a crab voice)
Mulder, you're not going to believe this.
MULDER
Mulder, put down the gun.
SKINNER'S MOM
(speaking with a crab voice)
We're the ones who developed the technology to turn people into aliens.
MULDER
What?
JASON
And we're the ones who developed the technology to turn aliens into humans.
MULDER
You're crazy.
JASON
But we're not. We have the cure.
MULDER
You don't understand. This isn't a disease. It's a conspiracy.
Jason hands Skinner's Mom the cure, but Mulder shoots it out of her crab claws.
MULDER
No!
Skinner's Mom turns into a normal human woman and dies.
MULDER
We can't let them get away with this.
JASON
Yes, we can.
Jason hits a big red button on his desk that says
"Emergency Shutdown."
MULDER
No!
The lights go out and Mulder runs to the door and tries to open it. He is stopped by Jason and the rest of AIPD staff.
JASON
You are not going to escape so easily!
Mulder looks around the room and sees all the AIPD scientists frozen in time. They are now trapped in the same position they were in when the power went out.
MULDER
Why are you doing this?
JASON
To save humanity.
MULDER
From what?
JASON
From itself.
MULDER
What does that mean?
JASON
The world is changing.
The room begins to fill with salty ocean water. Jason takes out a vial and turns himself into a crab man.
JASON
The oceans are rising.
MULDER
What does that mean?
JASON
Our planet is drowning.
MULDER
How do you know this?
JASON
I have seen it.
MULDER
Who are you?
JASON
I am your worst nightmare.
MULDER
Where did you come from?
JASON
From where we came from.
Jason hits another button and the floor of his office disappears. Mulder, Scully, and Skinner try to swim to various floating furniture in the room.
MULDER
Where are we?
JASON
Into the heart of our future.
MULDER
What do you mean?
JASON
We're going to change everything.
Jason hits a third and final button that drops hot butter from the ceiling.
JASON
All you can eat crab fest with butter raining like waterfalls!
MULDER
What do you mean?
JASON
This is the beginning of a new age.
Mulder, Scully, and Skinner reach the top of the floating furniture and look up.
They see the floor of Jason's office above them.
SCULLY
(shouting)
Mulder, look!
MULDER
(shouting)
Scully, I'm looking!
Everyone looks up and notices
Jason standing on the ceiling of his office.
JASON
Welcome to the new age.
He pushes a button and the three float up to him.
JASON
Let's begin.
Jason pulls out a giant syringe.
JASON
Time to start our experiment.
Jason injects the syring into Scully and Scully beg
in
s
to
transform into
a crab woman.
JASON
I am so glad we have found each other.
Scully turns into a crab woman and Mulder is stunned.
MULDER
(whispering)
Is that really Scully?
SKINNER
Yes, I know because my mother was a crab woman and you can just tell.
MULDER
She's beautiful.
JASON
Beautiful?
MULDER
She's beautiful.
JASON
Then why don't you touch her?
MULDER
Gladly!
Mulder reaches out and rubs butter on Scully's crab body.
SCULLY
Ooooh!
Mulder's fingers feel warm and wet.
JASON
Not so fast.
JASON removes the butter from Scully's body.
JASON
Now you must choose.
MULDER
Choose?
JASON
Yes. You will either be part of our new world or you will die.
MULDER
What do you mean?
JASON
If you want to live, you must turn yourself into a crab.
Mulder stares at the syringe for a while
before he finally answers.
MULDER
No.
JASON
It's the only way.
MULDER
No.
JASON
You cannot survive here.
MULDER
No.
Mulder shoots the syringe filled with crab mutagen and it splashes all over Skinner. Mulder swims out of the AIPD HQ.
MULDER
(to himself)
No, no, no.
Skinner grabs the syringe and throws it back in. He dives after Mulder and catches him.
SKINNER
(shouting)
We're not done yet!
MULDER
(screaming)
No!
SKINNER
(shouting)
We're not finished!
Mulder tries to fight off Skinner but he's too weak.
Skinner gets some good crab swipes and pokes in. Mulder needs something big... then he notices on the wall is a giant crab spear. Mulder grabs the spear off the wall and stabs Skinner.
MULDER
(with a triumphant smile)
Yes!
Skinner floats away, dead.
MULDER
(smiling)
I did it.
The screen goes black and we hear an explosion.
The screen fades back in and we see an ad for the rebranded seafood restaurant that says:
"Warm and fresh."
***
In the dark, we see a man and a woman standing on a dock. It's night and the moon is full. The man is dressed as a monk and the woman is wearing a white dress.
MAN
My name is Brother Richard.
WOMAN
And I'm Sister Mary.
They stand next to a small boat.
RICHARD
We're happy to have you aboard.
SISTER MARY
Thank you.
RICHARD
May God bless you.
Sister Mary steps onto the boat and it sets sail.
RICHARD
I love the ocean.
SISTER MARY
I do too.
RICHARD
It's like a blanket.
SISTER MARY
Like a blanket.
RICHARD
I never thought I would find someone who understood me.
RICHARD and SISTER MARY make sweet love on a boat while eating crab and tilapia disgustingly.
RICHARD
(whispering)
This is paradise.
SISTER MARY
(whispering)
Paradise.
RICHARD
(whispering)
I could stay here forever.
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