AIG X-Files Ep 2 – Mulder enters the hardware store wearing special glasses scanning the store for aliens

Posted under Story, X-Files On By Chief

INT. HARDWARE STORE
Mulder enters the hardware store wearing special glasses scanning the store for aliens.  Mulder's face goes white when he realizes that everyone working in the store is an alien!  Mulder turns to Scully to let her know, but notices that Scully is also an alien!

SCULLY
Something the matter Mulder?
MULDER
Scully... why didn't you tell me you were an alien?!

SCULLY
I thought I was clear about this. You can't trust anyone who works at a hardware store.
MULDER
But we're married! We've been through so much together!

The manager of the Alien run Home Depot walks up and greets you.
MANAGER
How can I help you today?

SCULLY
We need to buy some household supplies. We're going on vacation.
MANAGER
Well, we have everything from water filters to shower heads.
SCULLY
(pointing)
You mean those are alien shower heads?

The manager looks shocked at first, but then realizes that Scully is also an alien.
MANAGER
Yup, finest alien show heads in the whole milky way!
MULDER
FBI!  You aliens are to come with me...
 now!
SCULLY
I don't think so.
The manager starts to panic as he sees that Mulder and Scully aren't buying anything. He grabs his gun and points it at them.

MANAGER
You are going to buy something and I AM GOING TO SELL IT TO YOU!

MULDER
What do you have in mind?
MANAGER
A nice alien head! It's the only thing I have left after the sale of all my other alien merchandise!

Mulder nervously buys the last alien head from the shelf.  Mulder notices it has the following strange alien features:

1. A small mouth.
2. Eyes on stalks.
3. No ears.
4. Skin that is black, green, and blue.
5. No nose.

The alien head snaps to life.
ALIEN HEAD
Mulder & Scully, I should have known...

SCULLY
That's not our name!
The alien head continues speaking in its own voice.
ALIEN HEAD
"It is a good day to die."
SCULLY
How did you get that thing to talk?!

Mulder looks at the bottom of the head on notices he accidentally flick the on/off switch to on.  Mulder turns the switch off and the head closes it's eyes.  Mulder attempts to get a full refund for the alien head that threated their lives.

MULDER
I would like to return this Alien Head!
MANAGER
What seems to be the issue?
MULDER
It threatened to kill me!

MANAGER
Oh, well I'm sorry about that. That head was defective. It's just a prop anyway.
MULDER
No, it wasn't. It was very real and it killed me!

MULDER
Manager, do you have any adult diapers? I'm asking for a friend.

MANAGER
Adult diapers?
MULDER
Yes, adult diapers.
MANAGER
There's nothing here that could possibly fit an adult.
SCULLY
Why are you lying to him?

MULDER
Yeah, they are actually for her.  Lots of poop in her pants.  Really disgusting if you think about it!

Scully rolls her eyes.  The manager grabs a few items off the shelf.

MANAGER


Again, we don't sell diapers, but you can make your own diapers with these items!


MULDER
Thanks!
SCULLY
We're going to leave now.
MANAGER
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. We don't carry toilet paper.

Mulder was just biding his time.  The FBI bursts into the home depot with alien catching nets.  Mulder secretly called them as soon as he entered the store and everything he said was keywords to get the FBI to show up; even the stuff about the diapers.  All the aliens are rounded up and taken to a secret underground bunker underneath Washington DC.  Mulder looks at Scully.

MULDER
So what do you aliens really want with Earth?

ALIEN 1
We came to steal your resources!
SCULLY
And we'll take it over one planet at a time.
MULDER
But why?
ALIEN 2
To feed our hungry children!

SCULLY
Our young are starving.
MULDER
Your young?
SCULLY
All of us!
ALIEN 3
We have a plan to get everyone off this dying planet!

ALIEN 3 lists off the following steps to save everyone from their dying planet:

1. Destroy all the food on Earth.
2. Find new planets to colonize.
3. Kill everyone on Earth.
MULDER
What?!?
ALIEN 4
We need to kill everyone because we're killing everyone!

Mulder bargains for the lives of everyone on Earth by speaking to the one thing that any sentient creature loves:
 their children.
MULDER
I can give you everything you want!
ALIEN 5
And I will destroy everything you love!
Mulder is overwhelmed with the power of bargaining and tries to get out of the deal.

Mulder realizes the only way to save himself and the fate of everyone on Earth is to
 kill the aliens. He knows that he cannot bargain with a child killer, so he decides to end the negotiation early.
MULDER
I'm not giving you anything!
SCULLY
Then we'll just take it!

Scully shoots her alien pistol and begins turning FBI agents into
 piles of goo.
MULDER
Don't shoot!
SCULLY
Get down!
MULDER
Don't kill them!
SCULLY
They're already dead!

Mulder gathers all the goo and tries to save the people that were killed.  Mulder notices a weird alien tube and puts all the goo into in and presses a button.

MULDER
What's happening?
SCULLY
A bomb!
MULDER
Stop!
SCULLY
He's going to blow us up!
The explosion knocks Mulder and Scully back.

Mulder looks around the room: all of the aliens are dead from his jerry rigged alien dirty bomb.

MULDER
Well this looks like
 a mess.
SCULLY
It does.
MULDER
But I got the aliens to stop killing us.
SCULLY
Yeah, but you lost the war.
MULDER
What do you mean?

Mulder hears a loud explosion outside.  He rushes to the window to see thousands of alien craft destroying the capital.

MULDER
What are they doing?
SCULLY
They're taking over.
MULDER
How did they know we had the dirty bomb?
SCULLY
Because we told them.