INT. HARDWARE STORE Mulder enters the hardware store wearing special glasses scanning the store for aliens. Mulder's face goes white when he realizes that everyone working in the store is an alien! Mulder turns to Scully to let her know, but notices that Scully is also an alien! SCULLY Something the matter Mulder? MULDER Scully... why didn't you tell me you were an alien?! SCULLY I thought I was clear about this. You can't trust anyone who works at a hardware store. MULDER But we're married! We've been through so much together! The manager of the Alien run Home Depot walks up and greets you. MANAGER How can I help you today? SCULLY We need to buy some household supplies. We're going on vacation. MANAGER Well, we have everything from water filters to shower heads. SCULLY (pointing) You mean those are alien shower heads? The manager looks shocked at first, but then realizes that Scully is also an alien. MANAGER Yup, finest alien show heads in the whole milky way! MULDER FBI! You aliens are to come with me... now! SCULLY I don't think so. The manager starts to panic as he sees that Mulder and Scully aren't buying anything. He grabs his gun and points it at them. MANAGER You are going to buy something and I AM GOING TO SELL IT TO YOU! MULDER What do you have in mind? MANAGER A nice alien head! It's the only thing I have left after the sale of all my other alien merchandise! Mulder nervously buys the last alien head from the shelf. Mulder notices it has the following strange alien features: 1. A small mouth. 2. Eyes on stalks. 3. No ears. 4. Skin that is black, green, and blue. 5. No nose. The alien head snaps to life. ALIEN HEAD Mulder & Scully, I should have known... SCULLY That's not our name! The alien head continues speaking in its own voice. ALIEN HEAD "It is a good day to die." SCULLY How did you get that thing to talk?! Mulder looks at the bottom of the head on notices he accidentally flick the on/off switch to on. Mulder turns the switch off and the head closes it's eyes. Mulder attempts to get a full refund for the alien head that threated their lives. MULDER I would like to return this Alien Head! MANAGER What seems to be the issue? MULDER It threatened to kill me! MANAGER Oh, well I'm sorry about that. That head was defective. It's just a prop anyway. MULDER No, it wasn't. It was very real and it killed me! MULDER Manager, do you have any adult diapers? I'm asking for a friend. MANAGER Adult diapers? MULDER Yes, adult diapers. MANAGER There's nothing here that could possibly fit an adult. SCULLY Why are you lying to him? MULDER Yeah, they are actually for her. Lots of poop in her pants. Really disgusting if you think about it! Scully rolls her eyes. The manager grabs a few items off the shelf. MANAGER Again, we don't sell diapers, but you can make your own diapers with these items! MULDER Thanks! SCULLY We're going to leave now. MANAGER Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. We don't carry toilet paper. Mulder was just biding his time. The FBI bursts into the home depot with alien catching nets. Mulder secretly called them as soon as he entered the store and everything he said was keywords to get the FBI to show up; even the stuff about the diapers. All the aliens are rounded up and taken to a secret underground bunker underneath Washington DC. Mulder looks at Scully. MULDER So what do you aliens really want with Earth? ALIEN 1 We came to steal your resources! SCULLY And we'll take it over one planet at a time. MULDER But why? ALIEN 2 To feed our hungry children! SCULLY Our young are starving. MULDER Your young? SCULLY All of us! ALIEN 3 We have a plan to get everyone off this dying planet! ALIEN 3 lists off the following steps to save everyone from their dying planet: 1. Destroy all the food on Earth. 2. Find new planets to colonize. 3. Kill everyone on Earth. MULDER What?!? ALIEN 4 We need to kill everyone because we're killing everyone! Mulder bargains for the lives of everyone on Earth by speaking to the one thing that any sentient creature loves: their children. MULDER I can give you everything you want! ALIEN 5 And I will destroy everything you love! Mulder is overwhelmed with the power of bargaining and tries to get out of the deal. Mulder realizes the only way to save himself and the fate of everyone on Earth is to kill the aliens. He knows that he cannot bargain with a child killer, so he decides to end the negotiation early. MULDER I'm not giving you anything! SCULLY Then we'll just take it! Scully shoots her alien pistol and begins turning FBI agents into piles of goo. MULDER Don't shoot! SCULLY Get down! MULDER Don't kill them! SCULLY They're already dead! Mulder gathers all the goo and tries to save the people that were killed. Mulder notices a weird alien tube and puts all the goo into in and presses a button. MULDER What's happening? SCULLY A bomb! MULDER Stop! SCULLY He's going to blow us up! The explosion knocks Mulder and Scully back. Mulder looks around the room: all of the aliens are dead from his jerry rigged alien dirty bomb. MULDER Well this looks like a mess. SCULLY It does. MULDER But I got the aliens to stop killing us. SCULLY Yeah, but you lost the war. MULDER What do you mean? Mulder hears a loud explosion outside. He rushes to the window to see thousands of alien craft destroying the capital. MULDER What are they doing? SCULLY They're taking over. MULDER How did they know we had the dirty bomb? SCULLY Because we told them.