You are in the middle of a race with one of your patients, Jack Benson, who suddenly has a heart attack. You sing a song about how great you are while you revive Jack and he stares at you in disbelief. "What the fuck man? What the hell did you do?" You look down at yourself and say "I saved your life". Jack looks confused for a moment before saying "No, I mean what the hell happened? How did you just save my life?" You say "Isn't it enough that I saved your life?" He says "Yeah, but why did you do that?" You reply "Because if you don't win this contest then you're going to die". He replies "But why me?" You reply "Because you were the only one who had the skill to beat my time". He says "So you didn't really want to help me right?" You say "I am in search of a protégé that will finally provide me with a challenge. You are the only option right now. I will keep you alive until you defeat me" Jack smiles as he says "Well let's get started then!" You smile back and begin walking towards him. After some small talk you both start running around the arena. You quickly catch up to Jack who is still running ahead. You both stop when you reach the center ring where you notice several other contestants. A man wearing wrinkle-free khakis steps to the podium. "Welcome to the ultra-competithon!" he screams. The crowd roars. The man then explains the rules of the game. The announcer then begins announcing the contestants' names. The man continues on explaining that there will be an infomercial after each round. You give Jack another adrenaline injection before the start of the first round. > You enter the ring You walk into the ring and see Jack sitting near the front, a couple rows behind you. A few people stand by the entrance to watch. You feel nervous as you approach Jack. You have never been in such a big place before. It feels like you've stepped into a different world. "Hey, can I sit next to you?" Jack tells you to fuck off. You realize you gave him too much adrenalin. He grabs your arm and pulls you closer to him. "Come on, we need to cheer each other up". You nod. Jack starts shouting at the crowd. "HEY! Do you hear that?! HEY! DO YOU HEAR THAT?!" he yells. The crowd starts chanting "HELLO JACK!". You look over at Jack and smile. "That was awesome". You say. The first round competition is how long you can hold a rotisserie chicken maker above your head. You put chicken grease on your arms and hoist the chicken maker. "Set it and forget it," you tell yourself. You run through the crowd cheering everyone on. Your opponent is a woman. She runs through the crowd yelling "GOOD LUCK WITH THE COOKING!" She wins the second round. The third round is a man and woman fighting each other. They both throw knives and hit each other. The man falls backwards and hits his head on the ground. You tell jack "prepare for round four. This is the true test.". You enter the ring and you are immediately attacked by the audience. People grab you and pull you from side to side. You scream out in pain. "Get off of me!" you shout. One guy grabs you and throws you against the wall. You fall unconscious. You wake up in a cold sweat. You try to move, but you are unable to. You revive yourself with one of those infrared wands you bought off an informercial. You check yourself over. You aren't bleeding anywhere or bruised. You shake your head and sigh. You decide to go for round five. You take a deep breath and prepare yourself. You begin the match. You jump up and down and yell at the top of your lungs. "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO WIN THIS RACE!" You begin to chant. You set out on the Oprah-thon: All contestants must pick up a free gift every 10 yards and scream like a maniac about it like Oprah just gave it to them. The first one to make Gayle cry wins. You finish the last two rounds screaming about how you won't lose and how you'll show everyone how tough you are. Your opponent in the final round is a girl. Her name is Donna and she is a little shorter than you. She seems very excited about her victory. You tell her to calm down. You see her smile and wave at you. You see Doctor Oz walk into the stadium. He is your hero. He walks up to Donna and puts his arm around her, then gives you an evil smile. You know what he wants. He wants you to come with him. You say "No way, Oh-Zay," you tell Dr. Oz. He is furious, but Donna looks at you in a new light. Dr. Oz stares at you and then turns to Donna. "Now, I think you know what this means. We're going to do something special for our winner tonight. And if you don't like it, well I guess you should just stay home". Donna looks at you confused, but then she nods. "Okay, okay, I'm coming". You see a box wrapped with a ribbon being lowered from the top of the stadium with a rope. It lowers into Dr. Oz's arms. He smiles at you. "I want you to open this box. Inside is...a present", he says. You look down at the box and see a small gold bar. "This is worth $10 million dollars". You stare at the box and suddenly a loud noise comes from inside it. The sound is so loud that you almost drop the box. You open the box and it is a gold-plated version of Gwyneth Paltrow's head. "Go to the Goop website!" she screams at you. You turn to Donna. "What did you do?" She answers you. "I told you not to trust him, right? Well, I thought he would be trying to trick us into giving him money. But he didn't even get a chance. I mean, what kind of crazy person doesn't get a chance to win a billion dollars?" You throw OxiClean at Dr. Oz. He turns into Billy Mays! You continue to fight Dr. Oz as he transforms into every cartoon character ever made. Eventually you knock him out with a couple punches to his face. You and your friends celebrate your victory. You all hug each other and sing "Happy Birthday" to each other. Afterwards, you sit together and talk. "So, what now?" you ask. You see oprah flying through the stadium on a high wire. She soars like a majestic eagle before landing. She says "Now you deal with me". "Well, we could work together, or..". you start to say, but Opra stops you. "Don't worry about that. We got this. Now, let's get back to my contest". You say "What is the contest?" > You win You say "The contest is to find me a husband". Opra says "Oh, no, I can't marry you. That's too much power for me to have. Besides, I don't think I'd fit in anyway. I am a woman after all. I wouldn't be able to stand up to the men here". You sense Oprah's sarcasm and dislike it. You feel bad for her. Then again, she was probably hoping for some sort of romantic comedy scenario to happen. Oprah continues "Look, I understand that you need someone to help you in your quest to become a supermodel. So I will give you a choice". She holds up a card. "Here is a card". You open the card, which is a Valentine's day card. A dove flies out in a puff of smoke. "Something is wrong," you say to yourself. You throw OxiClean on Oprah, and she screams. Here makeup melts off, revealing she is ... magician David Blaine! "Hello". He says. "How may I assist you today?" Oprah says "We need to go to the bathroom". David blushes. "Uh, I don't really know where the ladies room is. Where is it?" Oprah says "It's upstairs. There's a sign over there saying 'toilet'. Is that a problem?" You say "Oprah, why do you have a sign that says 'toilet' in your house? That's weird, even for you." David looks at you and laughs. "Well, I suppose it is strange. Anyway, we'll take the stairs. Do you mind walking downstairs?" You nod. "Sure, whatever. Let's go!". David leads you to the women's restroom. When you enter, you hear a bunch of grunting noises. "That's odd", you say. You bang on the stall and yell "WHO'S IN THERE?!". Nothing happens. "Maybe they're playing hide and seek". You leave the restroom. A few minutes later, you return. "Hey, I found them!", you shout. "Where are they?", Oprah asks. You point to the door. "They're hiding behind the toilet seat"., you say. Oprah walks over to the stall. "Why aren't they moving?", she asks. Oprah knocks down the door with her caboose. Stedman is in there, naked for some reason. He is watching Dr. Oz videos on YouTube. "Whoa, wait, hold on", Oprah says. "Let me just get you a towel", she says. She goes back to stedman's lap and undoes his pants. "Hmmm, I bet these things were expensive", she says. Stedman has an erection. "I bet they were", he says. Oprah grabs his balls and start to squeeze slowly but very strongly while staring into his soul. "Ohhh, you're getting hard", she says. "I'm glad. What if I gave you something else to look at instead?". Stedman starts to moan and squirm around. "Please, please, please, keep stroking me", he pleads. You continue. "Stroke harder, Stedman, stroke faster", you say. Stedman begins to groan loudly. "Strodght harder, Stroke faster", you say. Suddenly, Stedman stands up from his chair. "Owww...!" He yells. "What happened to my penis?!" "It's gone", you answer. You turn and see Oprah finishing off Stedman's penis. "That was only two Weight Watcher's points," she exclaims. Then, you hear a loud explosion followed by a bright light. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!", you scream. At first, you thought it was a missile hitting the building. But then you realize it was a nuclear bomb. It went off right near the top of the stadium. The sky turned orange, and the ground became molten lava. Oprah/Blaine creates a psychic forcefield and protects the four of you from the explosion . "Thank God", you say. "I thought I heard a big boom". "Yeah, I guess so"., says Oprah. In fact, it wasn't a missile, but rather a nuke. It killed everyone in the area including you. Your body melted instantly. However, you survived. You realize you have been absorbed into Oprah's undergut. You are doomed to walk the earth watching everything that goes in and out of her, if you know what you mean. You can only hope you survive long enough to find a way out of this hell.
Wendell Hearth, a doctor that competes with his patients to see who is more healthier
Posted under Episode 78, Story On By Chief