Valerie Chums, a professional harp tuner for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra

Posted under Episode 112, Story On By Chief

You One day, a mysterious handsome woman asks to see you after the concert. She asks you to become a roadie for her and tune her harps on the road.

The only catch? You have to be in Chicago during the week and play at night.

You compliment the mysterious woman on her strong jawline and say, "Let's get to work!".

> You accept "I'll do it!" you exclaim. The next day, you arrive at the studio. The mysterious woman introduces herself as Valerie, and says she has been playing music since she was little. She tells you that she wants you to join her on stage and help her with some tunes. You are skeptical, but you agree.

You call her Valerie 2 and then proceed to butcher your performance before admitting that you don't know how to play any musical instrument. Valerie 2 offers to give you lessons and you agree.

After two weeks of practice, you begin to feel more comfortable on stage. Valerie 2 notices your improvement and decides to let you sing lead on one of her songs. This gives you confidence and you perform better than ever before. Valerie 2 is impressed by your progress and lets you take over for her on other songs. Soon, you are performing all of her songs.

You ask Valerie 2 for a raise, and she says no. Furious, you take a giant mallet and smash one of the harps during a concert the following night. To your surprise, the audience loves it.

Valerie 2 is so happy that she invites you back to her place for more lessons. When you arrive, Valerie 2 shows you around her home and even takes you out to dinner. After spending time together, you realize that you really like each other. You decide to marry.

You and Valerie go to New Zealand for a couples harp workshop for your honeymoon.


You overlook the bay as the sun in setting and Valerie 2 reveals a deep secret to you...

You: What is it? Valerie 2: I'm pregnant! You: Oh my god! Are you sure?! Valerie 2: Yes! It's a boy! You: A boy?! But he looks so much like me! Valerie 2: Heh, well, I guess we're both girls now aren't we? You: No!

You agree to name the boy Harpo. Then you ask Valerie if she knows who the father is.

She replies that she doesn't know either. You: Well, I think it's about time you told us the truth! Valerie 2: (Sigh) Okay, okay, I'll tell you what, just come into my room right now and I'll tell you everything. You: Wait, why?

You continue.

Valerie 2: Because you're my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! And besides, I've always loved you Valerie. You: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So where is this room anyway? Valerie 2: In my bedroom. You: Really? Valerie 2: Really. Valerie 2 goes into great detail about the baby's birth.

You say "cut the shit. Who's the dad?"

Valerie 2: Well, I can't tell you that yet. You: Why not? Valerie 2: Because I still need to check his paternity test results first. You: Wait, wait, hold on. How long does it usually take for those things to come back? Valerie 2: Usually between three to six months.

You and Valerie 2 agree to go on the "Whimsy Thistle Show," which is the New Zealand equivalent of Maury Pauvich, to learn the paternity of your son Harpo.

When you arrive at the show, you find that it is indeed a popular program. There are many attractive women there. Some of them look familiar to you. You and Valerie 2 walk up to a pretty blonde woman named Debbie. She seems very friendly and chummy with you. Debbie: Hi, I'm Debbie. You must be Valerie.

You play Debbie's hair like a harp.

Debbie: Hey, I heard you were here! Valerie 2: Yeah, I am. Debbie: So, did you hear anything about our son? Valerie 2: Nope. Debbie: Well, I hope something comes out of this. Valerie 2: We should probably talk later.

You mumble to yourself "That's not the only thing that's been coming out of this" as a slight to Valerie 2's cheating on you a lot.

As you leave, you see Valerie 2 walking towards you. Valerie 2: Hey, I didn't mean to make you mad. I promise I won't cheat again. Valerie 2 leaves you alone and heads off to the bathroom. You follow her. Valerie 2: Look, I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have said anything.

You Whimsy Thistle calls you on stage. "Valerie and Valerie 2, the father of Harpo is...".

The announcer continues. Announcer: The father of Harpo is unknown. Suddenly, you get an idea. You run up to the microphone and shout "HARPO!" The crowd roars in approval. Valerie 2 appears from the bathroom and sees you. She smiles and hugs you.

You shout "HARPO!" in to the mic a bunch more times. You love getting the crowd excited. It's like a drug to you.

Suddenly, a man wearing a suit walks onto the stage. He has a big smile on his face. He holds a clipboard and a pen. He reads the names of everyone in the audience. Man: That was quite a turnout. Now, let's begin. He begins reading the names of people in the audience. Woman: My name is Mary.

after the man reads the names of everyone in the audience, he reveals that everyone in the audience has had sex with Valerie 2 and are the possible father.

Man: This means that Harpo is the father of two children. Woman: Wow! That's awesome! Man: Well, I don't care how awesome it is, I still gotta know who the father is. Woman: Well, I guess I'll tell you then. Man: Alright, alright, I'll listen.

You continue.

Woman: I met him when I was working as a waitress at a restaurant called the Blue Goose Inn. He was really nice to me. I thought maybe we could date. Man: Hmm, sounds like Valerie 2. Woman: Yeah, he was really nice to me too. Man: Hm, I'd say that's a 50/50 chance.

You realize the father is Bruce Spruce, world-famous chef and owner of the Blue Goose Inn.

Woman: Oh no! What if he finds out?! Man: No worries, we can keep this secret. Woman: But... Man: Just trust me. Afterwards, you and Valerie 2 kiss each other goodbye. Valerie 2: Thanks for letting me do this. Valerie 2 leaves the hotel. You head home.

You turn on the tv and watch the news. You see a store that plays a photo of Valerie 2 and Bruce Spruce getting into the Spruce Goose airplane on it's maiden flight. The news story goes on to report that the Spruce Goose and crash and everyone onboard is very dead.

You sigh. You: (Sigh) Fuck.

You break the news to young Harpo: "Please excuse, Harpo Spruce, but Bruce Spruce, who fathered youse, is now a cooked goose.".

You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh) You: (Sigh)