Undercover Columbo

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Martin, a cook for a fast food place. While preparing a meal, your jewelry necklace falls into the food.
 You take it out and put it on again but when you go to eat it is gone. Where did it go? Your boss wants an answer before he fires you!
What's in store for Martin?

Then it hits you.  You ate the necklace.  You now need to poop it out and clean up before your boss finds out.
 But how can you do that without him knowing? Will this be easy or hard? Can you find another way around the problem? What if someone sees you pooping? Do you have time to spare?

You look around the kitchen and see a pot of coffee.  Coffee always seems to make you shit, so you drink the whole pot and sneak away to the employee bathroom.
 You open the door just as you hear someone enter. It's one of your co-workers from across the room, she was walking by at the same time. "Hey," she says with surprise.

It is your coworker Carla who you have a crush on.  But she can't see you like this or she will never date you.  You tell Carla, "Can I get some privacy please?"
 She gives you a funny look but leaves the bathroom quickly.
You feel safe because there are no windows in the bathroom. Now what should you do next? Should you sit down or squat over the toilet?

You decide that pooping in the toilet is too dangerous because you might flush the necklace and lose it forever.  You squat on the floor and begin to clench.
 Clenching helps a lot. The pain comes later. First, you try not to think about anything. Then you try to relax and empty yourself completely. This usually works pretty well. But today something goes wrong.

The necklace is causing a blockage and nothing is coming out.
 You start to panic. You reach down to pull it out but suddenly the pressure stops and you feel relief. The relief lasts only a second though because then the pressure starts back up again. After several minutes of this, you finally manage to push out all the jewels.

You thoroughly wash the necklace in the sink and return to work.  When your boss asks, "Where is the necklace, damn it!?"  You hand it to him.  He smiles, but then he starts to smell it.
 His smile vanishes and he tells you that he has decided not to fire you after all. In fact, he decides that he likes you so much that he wants to give you a raise!
"That's great!"

Your boss keeps smelling the necklace, something is off, but you want to get your raise before he figures out what really happened.

"I'll have to call my jeweler."
He takes out his phone and calls the jeweler. The jeweler says that he can fix the necklace right away.
"Excellent," says your boss.

You asks your boss, "How much of a raise am I getting?"

"A $10,000 raise."
You say, "I can't believe it! Thank you very much sir!"
But your boss still smells the necklace.  Something is definitely wrong.

Carla walks by and you blurt out, "Carla!  Damn, did you fart?  It smells like shit in here!"

She looks at you strangely and then laughs. "No, I didn't fart. It's the necklace."
"Oh, the necklace," you say. "Yeah, that's what it is."

You try to change the subject and say to your boss, "$10,000? That's it? I deserve way more than that and so does Carla."

"No, you both deserve $10,000 each," says your boss. "I'm giving you a bonus. Here is your check for $20,000."
You ask, "Are you sure?"

You take your bonus money and purchase a replacement necklace that you will swap with the tainted necklace when you go into work early tomorrow.  You arrive at work the next day and notice your boss is in his office with the jeweler.  They are both suspicious and smelling necklace.

"Martin, come in here please," says your boss.
You walk in and see the jeweler holding up the necklace.
"Look at this," he says. "It's totally broken."

The jeweler asks you to smell it and asks, "Martin, what do you think this smells like?"  You lie and say, "I don't know, what do you think it smells like?"

The jeweler asks, "Do you want to tell me what really happened?"
You answer, "Yes, I do."
"Well," says the jeweler, "I think you swapped this necklace with the original one and ate it.

The jeweler tells you his named is Lieutenant Columbo.
 He says, "Now, why would you do such a thing?"
You answer, "Because I wanted to get fired."
Columbo says, "You were trying to cheat me out of my money?"

You answer, "Yes, I was."
"And why would you want to do that?"
You answer, "I hate my job and I wanted to get fired so I could collect unemployment."

Next time on "Undercover Columbo":

* * *
Your boss tells you, "I've decided to promote you to Assistant Manager."
You ask, "What?"
"Yes, you're going to be assistant manager.