Tom Cruise Just Won’t Leave Me Alone

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You're Marvin, a guy who likes doing experiments involving drinks. You decide to mix twenty-four types of sodas and mix them together in the blender. You have no idea how it'll turn out, but your friends assume it'll be super gross. After the soda get blended together, you pour the drink into a large cup and start drinking it.
 As you do so, your eyes open wide with shock. It's not bad at all! The flavors are actually quite pleasant, even if they are somewhat weird. Your friends try some too, and everyone seems to like it.

You decide to name the beverage after your favorite superhero:
 Super Soda. You give each person a can of their own flavor. Some people don't want to take part because they think that they won't be able to tell what kind of soda is inside each can.

You sell the Super Soda at a local farmer's market.
 People seem to really enjoy it, as they buy up every single can you make. Word gets around about your creation, and soon enough, there are many fans of the product. One day, however, you hear rumors that someone has stolen one of your cans from the market.

You decide to make an example out of the thief in front of everyone.  On the one hand, this is for justice!  On the other, this is great marketing.  You discover the thief is a young man and you publicly humiliate him by
 having his face painted blue while he tries to escape. However, the police catch up to you before you can finish painting the villain's face.
The cops arrest you, but they release you later on.

The chief of police tells you that you did a good job finding the thief, but you can't just go around doing vigilante justice.
 He says that maybe you could start selling your creations under another name?
This doesn't sit well with you, but you reluctantly agree.
Your friend Mar
 decides to help you out. Together, you open a new shop called "Super Soda."

At your grand opening of Martin & Marty's Super Soda Shop, you get Tom Cruise, who you've hired to be the celebrity endorsement.
 He gives you a thumbs up sign, and then proceeds to chug down a glass of your product. This does nothing to improve his opinion of you, and he begins talking trash about your business.

To make a bad day worse, you get a cease and desist letter from Nestlé claiming that your product is just made from a mixture of their products.

It looks like you're going to have to change your name. What should you call your company?

Tom tells you that he didn't your drink, but he think it'd be a great acquisition for Scientology.  You tell Tom about the Nestle letter and he tells you that won't be an issue.  As a thank you to Tom for saving your business, you rebrand the soda as Cruise Cola.

In order to advertise the new product, you decide to hold a contest. Anyone can enter, but only those that are over 18 years old will be eligible to win. The prize is a free trip to Hollywood.

The contest involves making a video about how much Cruise Cola has changed your life.  You get many submissions, but the winning submission had the best video about:
 "How Cruise Cola saved my life."
Your movie trailer goes viral, and suddenly thousands of people are calling you to ask about buying the soda. You get a ton of orders and now you're able to pay off your debt.

Everything seems to be going great until you get a call from a representative at the Church of Scientology.
 They tell you that they received complaints that your product was being used to convert people to Scientology. They say that they need to come into your shop and confiscate any cans of Cruise Cola that you have left.

You immediately call Tom Cruise and tell him the Scientology is trying to steal your Cruise Cola business.
 Tom tells you that he'll help you out, but he needs to talk to you first. He calls you back and says that he's got a plan.
He says that he'll go into the shop with a fake ID and pretend to be a customer.
 If the church comes in and sees him, then they'll know that the real deal is still inside the store. Then, once the coast is clear, Tom will walk out and claim that he found the store and decided to keep the product for himself.

You nod and agree to the plan.  Tom comes in to the store with a fake ID that has the name:
 "Tom Cruise."
When you open the door, the two of them walk right past you. Once they're gone, you grab the cans of Cruise Cola and lock the door.
Later that night, you hear a knock on your door.

It's the Scientology repo men and they are here take the soda!  Just when you think all is gone, you hear something pop of the AC vents: It's Tom Cruise and he's dressed all in black.  Tom tells you that he has a bunch of experience doing impossible missions and this is the biggest impossible mission he's every had to take on.

Tom tells you that he needs to go to the church to prove that he owns the product.
"But if I don't show up at the church," he says, "then they'll know that the real Cruise Cola is still in the store."

Tom Cruise takes the soda to the Ukraine and attempts to soda launder it through shell companies.
 Unfortunately, the paperwork gets lost in the mail.
The next day, the police arrive to arrest Tom Cruise.
They tell you that they've been watching Tom Cruise for some time now. They say that they've watched him break into several different businesses and steal their product.

Tom Cruise is arrest, Scientology takes control of Cruise Cola, but at least you are free to start a new business.  You decide the cola business is too cut throat, so you decide to start a
 coffee business instead.
You create a new product called "Coffee Coffee."
Your friends and family love the new product and begin buying it in droves.
Your business is booming, but then one day you get a phone call from Tom Cruise.

Tom says he is enjoying his time in prison and when Tom asks what you are up to, you lie.

You tell Tom that you're starting a new business selling herbal supplements.
He says that he wants to help, so he contacts the warden of his prison and convinces him to let Tom out early.

You are shocked that Tom Cruise can just ask and get out of prison any time he wants.  Rich people.  You are scared the Tom is going to find you and catch you in your lie.

Then, you get another call from Tom Cruise.
He tells you that he has found the perfect place to sell your product.
He says that he's opening a new coffee shop and he wants you to be the manager.

You use a button that automatically opens locked doors and windows when you press it and enter your panic room.

You tell Tom that you can't leave the store because you're busy running your new coffee business.
He laughs and says that he's already got a buyer for your product.
Tom Cruise offers to buy your product outright.

You remind Tom of what happened last time and refuse.  You demand that Tom Cruise leave you alone.

You explain to Tom that you need to stay in the business of making money, not selling it.
You tell Tom Cruise that you will never again sell your product to him.
You tell Tom Cruise that you will continue to make more products and you'll sell them wherever you want.

You jump out of your seat when you hear a knock on your panic room door.  It's Tom!  He's right outside!!!

You open the door and he walks in.
Tom says that he came by to see how things were going with your new business.
He asks you why you won't sell him your product.

You tell Tom that the last time you were in business together, Tom went to jail and Scientology seized all of your assets.

You tell Tom that you're not interested in selling to him or anyone else.
Tom says that he doesn't understand why you won't sell to him.
You tell Tom that you're a businessman and you don't like to share your profits.

You realize the only way to stop Tom Cruise is to kill him.

So you pull out a gun and shoot Tom Cruise dead.
You bury Tom Cruise's body in a secret location and put a big sign over the grave.
The end.
This is my story about what really happened to Tom Cruise.


"I said no!"
You scream as you wake up in bed.
You're sweating and panting heavily.
You look around the room and see that you are back home.
In fact, everything looks exactly the same as it did before you left for work.

You look down and notice you are wearing a Super Soda shirt.

You quickly grab the remote and turn off the TV.
"That was close," you think to yourself.
You get up and walk into the kitchen.
Your mom is there cooking dinner.

You sit down and ask your Mom what is for dinner.  But as the person in the kitchen turns around you realize this is not your mother, it is Tom Cruise!

You watch Tom Cruise pour himself a glass of water and drink it down.
"Mom?" you say.
Tom Cruise smiles and hands you a bowl of soup.
You eat the soup and try to ignore Tom Cruise's creepy behavior.

Next time on "Tom Cruise Just Won't Leave Me Alone!":

Tom Cruise comes into your office and says, "Hello, young man. My name is Tom Cruise. I am here to take over your company."
You say, "No, I'm sorry.