You are T.J MacTeady, a member of a research team in Antarctica who encounter some crazed Norwegians. Upon visiting the Norwegian camp, you discover a grisly sight. while searching through the destroyed camp you find a lone sled dog. you return to camp and through testing discover the "Thing" that destroyed the Norwegian camp is a shape-shifting creature that assumes its victims form. You think of the dog just as you hear a crash coming from the kennels. The dogs are dead.
A few days later you receive a letter from your wife. She has been killed by the Thing.
Lars Bronzeballs, a crazed Norweigan, thinks this is just a trick by the Thing. He wants you to help him kill the Thing so he can take its place.
Your mission: To stop Lars from killing the Thing, or at least prevent him from taking over the expedition's base camp.
> You rush to Scientist Milford Wimley's office to devise a way to fight the Thing.
You find Milford alone and lock the door behind you. You tell him what is going on.
Milford starts going nuts and destroying the radio equipment. You ask him, "what the hell are you doing?!"
He replies, "We must quarantine the camp! To prevent the Thing from escaping!"
You realize he has gone insane. You begin to leave but he grabs you and throws you to the ground.
Suddenly, Tony, a guy who has been dressing up as the Thing to prank easily-scared people, bursts through the door. He rolls a snowball and hits Milford in the head. He falls unconscious.
You tell Tony to guard the door while you escape through the window.
You run back to the camp and enter the rec area.
> You gather everyone in the rec room to test their blood.
You call everyone into the rec room and lock the doors. You tell everyone there that they must all submit to a blood test. They don't like it, but they comply.
You nervously one by one test each person's blood at the camp. You get to Miflord's and discover he has been replaced by the Thing. It attempts to escape through the window but you manage to kill it.
After the blood test, it's official: everyone is human! You didn't think it could be done, but everyone is back to normal again.
You see Michael Chiklis, Tony's cosplaying partner who is dressed as the Thing from the Fantastic Four, arrive on a snowmobile. He is angry.
"So it's all out in the open now, is it?" he asks.
You see Michael Chiklis explode, he turns into 10 horrifying creatures: 1 giant, 2 medium, and 7 small.
Your death toll rises as the creatures begin to tear apart the camp.
You have lost.
As a scientist, you try to name the 10 Things:
Thing 1: The Thing (the original from the Fantastic Four)
Thing 2: Mr. Blobby
Thing 3: The Blob
Thing 4: Boba Fett (from Star Wars)
Thing 5: The Michelin Man
Thing 6: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
Thing 7: The Russian Matryoshka Dolls (the smaller ones fit inside the big one)
Thing 8: The Red Devil (from the movie Child's Play)
Thing 9: Evil Clown
Thing 10: The Balrog (a monster from the Lord of the Rings)
You take solace in the fact that you now understand the Thing's origins.
> You see the 11th thing which is a beautiful woman thing. You decide to seduce her by leaning in with a kiss.
Suddenly, a beautiful woman walks into the room.
You are mesmerized by her beauty. She smiles and pulls you into an embrace. It feels wonderful.
All the the Things surround you and join in a big group hug. You feel great until you start to become assimilated by the Thing.
This image will forever be burned into your mind:
You have lost.
In the tradition of the great Carl Sagan, this is Hayden Planetarium. You are the Star Gazer. You stare in awe at the beauty of our solar system and the universe beyond.
You enter Mr Blobby's world.
You are a giant pink mass that moves slowly towards Smileyville.
You can sense all the people in Smileyville below you. As you move, you leave a thick layer of slime that coats the town.
You assimilate everyone in Smileyville except for one. You hesitate because you recognize your wife. You decide against assimilating her.
You are the Blob.
You are a huge mass of tentacles with a single eye in the middle.
> You ask your wife "Am I still fuckable?"
"Hayden! It's me, your wife."
"You are very fuckable."
You continue to embrace her and then...
She throws acid in your face melting it.
You have lost.
The moral of the story: love is not enough.