You are Marcus, a guy who has bad social skills. One day, a woman walks up to you and says, "You have nice hair." You rip your hair off your head and offer your hair to the woman as a gift.
She laughs at this and runs away. Your life is now shit because of one simple act. Do you:
A) Go home and cry about it for hours on end;
B) Run after her, grab her by the arm, and drag her back to your house?
You choose option B.
The next morning, when she comes over again, you are ready with gifts! And then...you fall in love. But there's just something that feels wrong about it all. After much thought, you decide what you need to do is change yourself so the world can see how awesome you really are.
You go to the internet and search "My life is shit, how do I turn it all around".
What follows is an epic story of a man changing his entire life in order - not only to make himself more attractive but also to become more worthy of love. It's a great read. So good, in fact, that many people think it was written by Shakespeare or some other famous author.
You look up the author of the post and find out he is a local celebrity named Tony from AIPD. You find Tony's address and knock on his door to tell him how much his post meant to you.
He invites you inside and offers you a beer. You accept, and he tells you about his personal life. Apparently, his wife left him for another man, which is why he decided to start posting these stories online.
You explain to Tony your situation with life and ask Tony if has any direct advice for you to turn your life around.
Tony looks at you strangely and asks, "So, are we talking about the same thing here?"
"Yes," you say, confused.
"I'm sorry," Tony says, "but I don't give relationship advice.
Tony thinks for a bit and notices your patch of missing hair. Tony hands you a Costco size bottle of Extra strength Rogaine.
"Get that shit on your head and let me know how it goes."
Your life changes overnight. Your hair grows back thick and full. Within two weeks, you are well-known as “The Man With The Thick Hair”.
You are walking home from the bar one night and you notice a building on fire. You see a woman is trapped in her apartment and the fire department has yet to arrive. You toss the woman your thick hair to climb down and save her from the inferno. The local news arrives and you become a local celebrity. You ask the woman if she would like to go out with you.
She accepts, but only under the condition that you get rid of the hair.
You agree, and within days, you are both regulars at the local pizza parlor.
One day, you spot a beautiful woman across the room.
You cannot take your eyes off her. She seems to be alone, so you decide to strike up a conversation. As you talk, you notice she is not wearing any makeup. Her skin is smooth and unblemished.
You hit things off with this woman as you wait for your meat lovers pizza. Suddenly the woman you saved from the fire enters the pizza and see you flirting with this other woman.
She storms over to you and demands to know what you were thinking. You tell her that she looked so beautiful without makeup that you had to ask her out.
She tells you that she is married and has been happily married for years.
Tony walks in to pick up his gluten free pizza and notices the fight and the woman storming away. Tony tells you, "That's the problem with hot hair, my friend."
You thank Tony and say goodbye.
Tony walks back to his apartment and finds his wife, Carol, waiting for him. Tony tells her that he has met someone new and that they have fallen madly in love.
Carol says, "Good for you."
Tony replies, "Yeah, it is."
Carol continues, "I'm happy for you, but I hope you will consider our marriage."
Tony asks you to get a drink with him. You agree and Tony begins to explain the problems he is having with his wife. Tony out of desperation asks you for your advice. Since Tony helped you turn your life, you give him the following advice:
"If you want to keep your marriage, then stop dating women who are older than you."
Tony smiles and thanks you.
The next day, Tony's wife, Carol, comes to your house to ask you to stop hitting on her.
You suspect that Tony has lied to win or get out of an argument with his wife. You cover for Tony and pretend to flirt with Carol.
You invite Carol into your house and show her the bedroom where you keep all of your toys. You offer to play with her later, but she declines.
A few days pass and Tony calls you up.
Tony tells you he has been seeing Daniel, the marriage counselor.
You tell Tony that you have seen Daniel and he gives you the same advice he gave you before.
Tony says, "I'm going to do it."
You tell Tony that you wish him luck.
The next Tony asks to move in with you.
You tell Tony that you are happy to have him live with you, but you have no extra bedrooms.
Tony says, "We can sleep in the living room."
You say, "Okay, we'll figure something out."
You thought that Tony was kicked out of his house by Carol, but in some weird turn of events, Tony and Carol temporarily move in to your living room.
A few months later, Tony comes home drunk and tells you he has found a job working at a strip club.
You ask Tony why he quit his job at the bank.
Tony says, "Well, I got fired because I told my boss that he needed to cut costs and he wanted
to hire strippers instead of paying them more money."
You ask Tony if he has any plans for the future.
Tony says, "I don't know. Maybe I'll try to find another job in the banking industry."
Tony tells you he's got it! Tony invents a show at the strip club called "The Strip Tank" based of of the famous network TV show Shark Tank.
You tell Tony that you think it is a great idea and you would love to invest in the show.
Tony says, "Great! I've already got investors lined up and everything."
You tell Tony that you are worried about the legality of the investment.
Tony says, "Don't worry, all the money is laundered by boob sweat." You are invited to opening night of The Strip Tank show. When you arrive at the club, you are pleasantly surprised to see
the female dancers wearing only their bras and panties.
You ask Tony why he chose to put the strippers on stage.
Tony says, "It's all part of the show."
The show begins and it is starts just like Shark Tank. Four strippers with loads of money listen to people pitch business ventures. The first person to pitch has a company dedicated to
selling used car parts. The second person pitches a product that makes you laugh when you hear it. The third person pitches a venture that uses recycled plastic bottles to make new products. And finally, the fourth person pitches a brand new business opportunity that promises to change the way people think about health
The stripper who is pitching the health insurance company looks over at you and smiles.
You look back at the stripper and smile as well.
The stripper asks, "Do you guys want to invest?"
The woman walks and sexily dances all over the men in the club until she has the investment she is looking for.
You tell Tony that you are very impressed with the show.
Tony says, "I am too! I was thinking maybe we could take this show to Broadway!"
You tell Tony that you are worried about the legal issues surrounding the investment.
Tony shows you to a room for people that question the legality of the show. Inside is a huge fish tank with rabid sharks and an underwater strip pole.
You ask Tony how the show came to be.
Tony explains, "One of the investors in the show saw me perform at the club and asked if I could do a show at the club.
I said sure and the rest is history."
You tell Tony that you are interested in investing in the show.
Tony tells you to come back tomorrow morning to meet with the other investors.
You return to the strip club the next day and are flabbergasted to see the panel of celebrity investors:
And many others.
You tell Tony that you are shocked by the line-up of investors and he laughs and says, "I know, right?
It's like the ultimate dream team."
You ask Tony what kind of investment you should make.
Tony says, "Well, we have a big opening night coming up in a couple weeks so we need to decide on the best way to invest."
In the followings weeks leading to the big opening night, you notice a list of Tony's questionable investments paid for by the celebrity angel investors:
"Big Titty Bikini Store"
"Fat Butt Jeans"
"Sexy Girl Panties"
"Busty Big Breasts Pillow"
You ask Tony why he is spending the money on these companies.
Tony laughs and responds, "
Well, I'm a businessman. I need to diversify my portfolio."
You ask Tony if he thinks that the investment is a good idea.
Tony says, "Well, I think it's a great idea."
You attend an investor meeting and see that all the celebrity investors are furious with Tony's purchases.
You ask Tony if he is going to stop buying these companies.
Tony says, "Oh no! I've already made a lot of money from the investments and now I've got a bunch more coming in.
Tony requested a consultation with Wu-Tang Financial and the Wu-Tang Clan enters to give a financial presentation to you the fellow investors.
You ask the members of the clan what they are here to talk about.
GZA says, "We're here to help you invest wisely."
Cappadonna says, "Wu-Tang Financial is a legitimate business that will pay you back ten times over."
You attempt to fuck wit the Wu-Tang Clan.
RZA says, "I don't think we should be talking to you because your name sounds like a dick."
U-God says, "Fuck you, bitch."
Ghostface Killah says, "This is bullshit."
You are embarrassed as everyone laughs at you. You sit back and see how things playout.
You see that the investments that Tony bought were actually scams. The celebrities invested millions of dollars into the scam companies and Tony took the money and ran.
You see that you have lost a lot of money due to investing in the bad businesses.
You call up the Wu-Tang Clan and attempt to turn your financial situation around.
You say, "Hey, I'm sorry about the whole thing. I was trying to invest in the right place. Can you please forgive me?"
They respond, "Don't worry about it, kid.
The Wu-Tang Clan sends over an interesting list of companies and ventures to invest in:
"How To Make Money Selling Drugs"
"Pornstar Phone Sex"
"Gay Porn Star Wedding"
"Kinky Pet Care"
"Extremely Kinky Dog Training
"Selling Your Ex Girlfriend's Pussy"
"Homemade Foot Fetish Videos"
"Masturbating While Watching Extreme Sports"
"Gangbang Nude Casting Calls"
"Fucking Hot Girls in Public Places"
You take a desperate high interest predatory loan and invest in all of the companies listed. You wait a month and notice that all your investments
are doing very well.
You call up the Wu-Tang Clan and thank them for their advice.
You say, "Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it."
They respond, "No problem, kid.
We hope to see you again soon."
You continue to do very well financially and have accumulated a nice nest egg.
You look forward to the next investment meeting with the Wu-Tang Clan.
You receive a box containing promotional items from a variety of the companies you invested in. You open the box and see:
I am so glad you are enjoying our products.
Please feel free to use these products at home or in the bedroom.
You read the letter and become suspicious of the company's practices.
You notice the package contains:
"Double D Breast Pump"
You ask the other investors what they think of the products and many of them tell you that
they are just novelty items and not worth investing in.
You decide to go to the next investment meeting alone to avoid any possible problems.
You arrive at the meeting and notice that all of the investors are there except for the Wu-Tang Clan.
You ask one of the investors if the Wu-Tang Clan has left town and she says, "Yes, they all went to New York City to visit their family."
You ask the investors if they would mind talking about the investments and they reluctantly agree.
Suddenly a man in a suit walks in and asks, "Are you Marcus?" You nod and he hands you a lawsuit from Tony's legal guardian, Jason. "You have been served, good day!"
You read the complaint and it states that you committed fraud against Tony and the investors by taking their money and running.
It also states that you are ordered to pay Tony $2.5 million in damages plus interest.
Also at the bottom of the letter states your name sounds like a dick.
You immediately contact the Wu-Tang Clan and explain that you need help.
They respond, "What kind of help do you need?"
You say, "I have a lot of money tied up in these bad investments and I don't know what to do."
They respond, "We can give you some advice on how to get out of this mess but we cannot bail you out."
You say, "I understand. I'll just sell my house and pay off the debt."
They respond, "If you want us to help you, then you will have to sign over your house and everything in it to us."
You say, "That won't be necessary.
I have plenty of money saved up.
I can just live in a tent in the woods until I pay the money back."
They respond, "Then you should come with us now.
We are going to the nearest city and we will buy you a new car and send you to college.
You will never have to work another day in your life."
You say, "Well...
You become a college party animal and major in
You graduate magna cum laude and take a job as a stockbroker at a large investment firm.
You start dating a beautiful woman who is a model.
She becomes pregnant and you marry her.
You have two kids.
One boy and one girl.
You are a happy married father.
You live happily ever after."
This story was inspired by the song "All About That Bass" by Meek Mill.
On the next episode of "The Strip Tank":
A.J. comes home from his first day of school.
He tells mommy and daddy that he made a new friend named Mike.
Mommy and Daddy ask A.J.