The Royal Advisor

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are King Beltran's right hand and most trusted advisor. Every day, you influence the kingdom with your wise words. No matter how hard decisions can be, he will always contemplate your advice. You find him rather naïve and soft-hearted, but he is a good listener.
You stand discreetly next to King Beltran sitting on his throne as he goes through the day's audiences with the populace, most are peasants asking for handouts or favors, but a few of them have something important to say. The King makes sure everyone is heard, and you make sure your advice carries weight.
The next person enters the throne room.
 She has long white hair, worn in a braid down her back. Her face is stern and she seems like a strong woman. You notice that there are two guards standing at either side of her entrance.

> You say "Please state your name and your business with the King."

"I am Princess Alicia from the northern islands. I seek an audience with His Majesty. If it pleases the King, may I sit?"
"Of course! Please do!" He motions towards the seat opposite his own.

> You ask "State your intentions.  Why do you wish to see the King?"

She says nothing for several moments before speaking up again. "I believe I've told you my father was exiled here because he didn't follow orders... But even if this were true, I would still want to know why he was sent away.

You inform Princess Alicia that her father is wanted for serial murders in the Beltran Kingdom.  You tell her he is nicknamed the "Beltran Butcher" and has gone into hiding.
 You explain that while no one knows where he really went, all indications point to the north.
Princess Alicia looks shocked by this news. "Then I must go after him," she says firmly.

> You interrupt Prince Alicia's request and ask, "Princess Alicia, you're hot and I'm single. You do the math."

Alicia laughs heartily, causing the guards to turn their heads toward her.
"It's not quite what you think," she says jokingly, then explains further: "My brother is dead, murdered just last month by bandits who attacked our carriage en route to visit Father.

King Beltran decrees that you must help Princess Alicia and sends you to the North to find her father.
 It should take about three weeks to get there, depending on the weather conditions."
This is unexpected information and causes you pause. Your thoughts drift to the young princess, and you wonder if they could become more than mere friends, though you don't let yourself dwell on such things.

You tell the Princess, "It's pronounced maths."

She giggles and says, "Oh, mathematics, yes. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
You laugh along with her, and together you decide to find some dinner. As you walk out of the throne room, Princess Alicia calls out, "Goodbye, Sir Knight!"

Princess Alicia sprints out of the castle and darts into the North.  Perhaps she is trying to warn her father that you are hunting him.  You take a royal steed and load up on supplies as you know this is going to be a dangerous journey.

You ride off in the direction of the Northern Mountains, hoping you will reach your destination within a week or so.
After riding for two days through difficult terrain and cold winds, you finally come across your first sign of human activity.
 You spot smoke rising from behind the trees ahead and immediately gallop forward to investigate. When you arrive at the camp, you are surprised to see it has been set up near the ruins of an old fort.

You rummage through the belongings left at the camp fire to try and figure out who could be staying in such a dangerous place as this.
 You discover a piece of parchment with the name "Germain" written upon it. You return to the campsite and show the note to the man sitting beside the fire.
He seems confused by your presence and asks, "Who are you?

You tell the man that you are an advisor on a royal mission from King Beltran to find the serial killer roaming these mountains.

The man seems unconcerned, but says, "I am Germain, the only survivor of the bandit attack that killed my wife and children."
"I am sorry for your loss, and I am here to offer assistance."

> You yell "Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!"

"No need for violence. I can make you a deal. We'll travel to the city where I live. I have many connections there. I can put you up for the night, and I promise you won't regret it.

You are weary, but you accept Germain's offer.  On your way to the city, you say to Germain, "Germain? Are you German? I love German D."

"I am, indeed. You've met my sister-in-law, Heidi. She is also my lover.
"We were attacked last month and lost everything we had worked for to bandits."

You console Germain, but then you suddenly hear a noise coming from the bushes.  It's bandits!
 You shout, "They're right behind us!"
As you run, you see the bandits approach. They surround you, and one of them reaches out to grab your horse's reins.
You swing around and kick the assailant in the crotch, and he crumples to the ground.

You put a dagger to the bandits throat and yell, "Who sent you!?"

One of the bandits says, "It was Beltran. He wants to kill you and take back the crown."
"What!? What did you tell him?"
"Nothing," says another.

You tell the bandit, "My life is a movie Bull ridin' and boobies Cowboy hat from Gucci Wrangler on my booty."

You pull the knife closer to the man's neck and ask again, "What did you tell Beltran!?"
"Well," says the bandit, "we told him you were goin' after the crown.

You slit the bandits throat and tell Germain, "We need to be on high alert."

You and Germain continue on to the town of Lausanne. You head straight for the local castle, and when you arrive, you knock on the door. After a few moments, a servant girl opens up and tells you, "Sir Knight, please wait there.

You wait and are shocked to see who greets you: it's 
he Beltran Butcher!
 You are immediately overcome with anger and turn to punch him in the nose.

grabs your hand and holds you back, saying, "Stop! Don't fight me. I'm not here to hurt you.

You tell The Beltran Butcher that King B is trying to kill you and capture him.

The Beltran Butcher laughs and says, "I'm sure you are mistaken. Why would the king want to harm his own advisor?"
You let out an exasperated sigh and say, "He's got some crazy ideas about the throne.

You hold up a bloody bounty signed by King B that you found on the bandit you killed earlier.

"This man is wanted by the royal guard. If you know anything, you'll tell me now!"
You give the paper to the Butler, and he takes it and looks at it.

You notice a tattoo on the butler of the Beltran Royal Guard and attack him - he is a secret assassin!

He tries to stab you, but you duck and hit him across the face.
He falls to the floor and you say, "I knew I could count on your help."
You grab the butler by the shirt collar and lift him off the ground.

The butler tells you his name is Humping and he does not work for the royal guard anymore!

"Then why do you have this? I thought you worked for the guards!"
Humping admits, "Yes, I used to. I quit and joined up with the army of Prince Adolph."

> You ask "Prince Adolph what?  What is his last name?"

"His last name is 'Fuck'."
"I am sorry to hear about your wife, but you should have known better than to join the enemy.
If you don't turn yourself in, I will have to put you down."

You nod your head and say, "I will join Prince Adolph Fuckdot."

You throw the butler to the ground, and he crawls away.
You are approached by a messenger from the castle, but you can't understand her because she is speaking French!
"Speak English," you say.

She says, "My lord, your friend, the king, wishes to see you in the Great Hall."
You enter and find a very large room filled with people. You look around until you spot your old buddy, the king.

"Germain," says the king. "Come over here. I've been looking forward to seeing you again."
You walk over to the king and he says, "Your majesty, my apologies.

You look confused, but the king informs you that you have royal blood and YOU are actually the true king of the north.

You inform the king that you are not interested in being king, and you would rather spend time with your new lover, Heidi.
"That's enough," says the king. "You are no longer welcome here."

You look down and see that Germain has stabbed you in the gut.  This was all a setup.  Your vision begins to blur and you feel your life slipping away... until you begin to tran

You're still wearing the same clothes as before, but now you have horns and bat-like wings on your back. You land heavily onto one of the benches and fall to your knees.
The crowd goes silent and you hear the queen whisper, "What is happening to him?"

You fly over to the throne and cut off the king's head.

The crowd cheers and the queen rushes to your side, saying, "You killed him! You murdered our dear husband!"
The Queen attempts to embrace you, but you push her back and tell her to get out of your way.

You bite the Queen's ear off and fly out the window.
 She screams and tries to run after you, but you slam the door behind her.
You sit on the throne and rule the kingdom of the North.
The End.
You head back to the inn and see that Germain
 is gone.
"Where did that kid go?"
You ask the Butler.
"Oh, yes sir. He left a little while ago."
The Butler tells you that he saw him heading towards the docks.

You fly towards the docks and see Germain boarding a ship with Prince Adolph Fuckdot.  You board the ship with them and say, "Where do you think you are going Germain?"

Prince Adolph says, "We are going to the city of Toulon to meet the other members of the Brotherhood."
You say, "I don't believe you. You are a traitor and I am taking you down myself."

You grow sharp claws from your hand and pierce through Germain's guts.  You look Germain right in the eye and say, "Et tu Germain?"

He cries, "No! No, I'm not! I'm sorry!"
"Shut up."
You grab him by the throat and pull him close to you. You rip open his chest with your claws and stab him several times with a dagger.

Prince Adolph bows before you trembling and offering you anything you want.  You tell Prince Adolph you only want one thing:
 his head!
You grab Prince Adolph by the hair and drag his limp body over to the railing.
You throw Prince Adolph's head into the water and watch it sink to the bottom of the sea.

Next time on "So Now Your Are a Demon King":
 you need to stop the war between humans and demons. You decide to invade the demon world and take their women for yourself. But first you have to capture the demon lord!
"Welp, let's go make some more babies!"