The Joker, former clown prince of crime and the new mascot for McDonald’s

Posted under Episode 120, Story On By Chief

McDonalds hired you, because Ronald wasn't really popular with millennials anymore, unlike you. The founder of McDonalds, Michael Keaton, tells you that you have to be a non-scary mascot. You can't kill anybody. You have to act less like Joaquin Phoenix and more like Cesar Romero. You say, "Yes, sir."

> You start working at McDonalds You work there for three years as a burger flipper until one day you get fired. You don't know why, but you just think it was because you were too old to do the job. You go back home to your family who all think you've died in some bizarre car crash.

You flip your family like burgers until they believe you are really alive.

They pay you $5 an hour so you can live comfortably again. Your sister says, "We're not going to let you take advantage of us again". The next year, you quit your job and become a full time criminal mastermind. You rob banks, murder people and steal shit. It's great!

You purchase an old McDonald's and convert it into your crime headquarters. You make sure the grill is working, so you can flip burgers for your henchman if you have spare time.

The rest is history...

You sneak drugs and weapons into the country via happy meals.

One day you get a letter from Burger King. He orders you to kneel before him and declare your loyalty. This means war.

You agree. You take over Burger King, and then move on to other fast food chains. When you finally reach Wendy's, you find out how this story ends.

You see Harley Quinn dressed up as Wendy. You see all the popular fast food mascots have been replaced by super villains and they are all here at the Wendy's parking lot ready to fight.

Harley Quinn slaps Wendy upside her head. She screams, "I'm not your bitch!" and runs away screaming. You run after her. You kick down the door and begin fighting them off. After about five minutes, you realize you need help. Harley Quinn comes running up behind you. "It's okay," she whispers, "they're trying to kill me".

Harley Quinn then grabs your hand and slowly presses it to the grill.

Her fingers sink right in. Then Harley Quinn puts her finger tips together and begins singing, "Wendy I'm gonna make you my bitch..". You stare at her in disbelief. "What?" you ask. "Why would you do something like that?" "Because I love you," she whispers softly. You look at her eyes and they seem to reflect your own.

You are in a lot of pain, but also very impressed. You now also have no fingerprints. "Take care of Jimmy John," you tell Harley Quinn.

"He's always looking for new talent". She smiles at you. "Thank you," you reply. Then you kiss her. Afterwards, you drive off to work. Your life continues...

You work an 18 hour shift at McDonalds because someone quits mid shift and you have no one that can cover.

You try to keep your mind occupied with anything but what you're doing. You sit alone in the office. You watch TV for hours on end. Eventually you decide to play Tetris. You fall asleep. A few days later, you wake up. A voice calls out to you. "Hey man, where'd you sleep? You should come check out the new Happy Meal toys".

You say "I didn't order any new toys," you scream. You look to see who is talking. He looks like Superman, but he is much bigger. It's Supersize Man!

Supersize Man grabs you and throws you against the wall. You hit hard and feel like you might break your neck. You yell "NO!", but Supersize Man doesn't listen. Instead, he punches you repeatedly in the face. You scream in agony. You can't even scream out loud because you're paralyzed with fear.

You fall to the ground, Supersize Man sits on your face until you pass out. You wake up to the smell of something awful, Supersize Man has taken a supersize shit on the grill and left you a note that just says "I know what you did at Wendy's.".

Your life continues... You work an 18 hour shift at McDonalds because someone quits mid shift and you have no one that can cover. You try to keep your mind occupied with anything but what you're doing. You sit alone in the office. You watch TV for hours on end. Eventually you decide to play Tetris. You fall asleep.

When you wake up, Harvey Quinn, Harley's sister, is there for his shift. He looks just like his sister, except he wears shorter shorts. You tell him to put on the outfit of the McDonald's mascot, Grimace.

He does so and you both leave.

You head to Time Square with Grimace and a box full of Happy Meals laced with laughing sauce. You hand out the laced Happy Meals to hundreds of tourists in Times Square.

You walk back to your car and start driving.

The laughter is so loud outsides, it's deafening. You are feeling great til you turn down an alley and see Supersize Man who sits on your car, which crushes it almost instantly. You manage to roll out safely, but Harvey had his seat belt on and was crushed.

> You escape You jump out of the window and run to the nearest building. The police arrive shortly afterwards. They catch up to you, but you are too far gone. You don't know if you made it or not.

You start laughing uncontrollably, because the laughing sauce got on your fingers and you rubbed your eyes. You tell them Supersize Man killed Harvey, your 46th-best underling. You ask the police to arrest Supersize Man.

They agree, but they want you to pay them $100,000 for helping them. You refuse. They take you to Arkham Asylum, where you spend the next two years being treated for schizophrenia and manic depression. In the meantime, you get married to Harley Quinn (who looks exactly like her mother) and live happily ever after.

Harley Quinn breaks you out of prison with a bulldozer knocking down the prison gate.

You run through the streets of Gotham City. You find yourself back in your old house in the suburbs. You open the front door and find yourself in the living room again. Your family is there. "Where have you been?" asks your father. "I've been taking time off from my job at McDonalds to be Batman".

You Your father tells you there's someone here to see you. His name is Hank Harrison.

Hank Harrison runs a fast food restaurant called Happy Meals. He's famous for making hamburgers as big as planets. He gets all of this publicity by eating them while they're still hot. He's also known to make jokes about how he ate a planet. You tell him you need to talk to him about some things.

You tell Hank to tell you the best joke he has.

> You go to Happy Meals You head to Happy Meals. When you enter the restaurant, you notice everyone around looks different than before. They now wear funny costumes. Some wear little green aliens hats. Others wear animal masks. There's even a guy wearing a red cape. Some of them laugh when they see you. One woman starts dancing with herself.

Hank Harrison grabs a guitar made of french fries and starts sing a song by the Beatles.

Everyone claps along. Then he begins playing a tune by Chuck Berry. Hank then plays a song by Elvis Presley. Hank then stops playing and screams "THE END IS NIGH!" Hank then goes into a trance and sings "WHEN I ESCAPED TOWN AND THE WORLD WAS NEW" Hank then puts away the guitar and smiles. Hank then walks over to you and hugs you.

You yell at Hank "TELL US A JOKE".

Hank replies "Don't worry, I'll give you a million dollars".

Supersize Man bursts into the restaurant and ruins the party.

You look around and realize you're trapped in the past. You hear a voice say "Who are you? Where am I?". A man dressed in a black suit and tie appears behind you. He holds a gun to your head. "What do you want?" "Me? Nothing! Just come on outta there!"

You ask the man "Quick, tell me, what year is it?!?!".

> You 1986 The man says "Oh yeah, this is the year we saved the world".

You track down Supersize Man and realize is known as Healthy Size man in 1986. You can kill him because he hasn't yet become supersized.

> You shoot him with a tranquilizer dart You shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and he falls backwards onto the floor. You run out of Happy Meals and find yourself in a dark alleyway. You call out to people "Where is my money?!"

You tie up Healthy Man and attempt to force feed him Big Macs until he dies. You set up a giant machine to automate the process. It's been several days, but he keeps eating them with no trouble. You dump him into a vat of boiling secret sauce.

You watch as he slowly turns into a Big Mac. You release him from the vat and he laughs. You put him on a conveyor belt and eat him alive.

Inside of you, Healthy Man uses your stomach to transform into Supersize Man. Supersize Man starts to sit on your vital organs, so you vomit him up into the tub.

You return home to find that the government has taken control of the city and killed your family. You scream at the top of your lungs "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FAMILY?!?!" The Joker punches you in the face. "It's ok, you didn't really love them anyway".

You are the Joker. You realize you have created a monster in Supersize Man.

He will destroy everything you care about. You decide to end his life.

You blame Supersize Man for the death of your family!

> You let him die The Joker releases a gas that causes Supersize Man to explode. You stand over the body of your dead wife and daughter. You are angry and sad. You feel nothing. You walk outside of your house and begin to cry. The Joker stands over you holding a chain. You look at him. "YOU KILLED THEM ALL!".

You burn down your old McDonald's headquarters, and build a bigger one inside an old health foods store.

You start calling yourself the Joker. The Joker continues to taunt you. You continue to live your life.

You decide to kill the old Joker and become the new Joker. You study all of his old news footage and read Heath Ledger's diaries.

You create a new Joker persona. You play the role for the first time in front of a crowd of people. You are the Joker. The Joker is mad. He wants revenge.

You take the garbage bag filled with Supersize Man's fat ass and press it into hamburger patties. You serve these Supersize burgers to everyone in the city.

Everyone loves them. The Joker decides to finish off the old Joker by blowing up the old Joker's mansion. The Joker tells the rest of the Joker Family that if they don't stop killing each other, they will be next.

You grab Harley Quinn and start making out while your mansion burns in the background.

The Joker Family does not listen. They fight back. You are the Joker. You blow up the entire city. Your enemies are destroyed. You are the Joker. You are the Joker. Your reign ends when Batman arrives in Gotham City. Batman finds you and takes you to Arkham Asylum where you spend the rest of your life.

You ask for a poster of Rita Hayworth, and start digging a tunnel through the wall behind it. Your freedom will come again, and soon. Then they'll be sorry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa.