You are Richard Dick, an amateur fisherman. You are on your favorite pier just fishing peacefully when something bites your hook. As soon as you grab your fishing rod, you know this is not just a normal fish.
It's too big for any ordinary fish. A giant eel? No way! Your blood runs cold and your heart beats faster. You reel in the monster with all of your strength until it hits the water.
The monster pops out of the lake and you are shocked to see that it is
... a mermaid. She looks at you curiously before she swims away. The last thing you remember was being scared shitless by her appearance but now, after waking up from your nap on your bed, you feel totally fine.
You take your boat out to look for the mermaid and apologize and suddenly you are attacked by Carpberus: a gigantic three-head carp.
You have never seen one so big or fierce. He chases you around the lake and eventually he catches up with you. With his teeth, claws, and tail, there is no hope of escaping him.
You say out loud, "I'm German and everybody loves that German D, especially Jason from AIPD."
"Never mind," you reply. "Just get me back to shore!"
After another hour of fighting against Carpberus, you finally make it to the beach. There, sitting next to the pier, is a very beautiful woman who appears to be about twenty years old.
You ignore the woman and as she tries to get your attention. You rush to your Ford Pickup Truck and pull out a laser Sniper Rifle that's perfect for fishing for mermaids. You rush back to the lake and start firing away.
The first shot misses completely but the second hit its mark. The mermaid screams in pain and falls into the water. You don't stop shooting until she is dead.
Your truck has been damaged pretty badly by the battle.
You turn around to see the beautiful woman has destroyed your truck trying to get your attention. You yell, "Why'd you destroy my damn truck!"
She says calmly, "I'm sorry but I had to stop you from killing the mermaid."
"Well, why didn't you tell me that before?"
"I did. You were too busy trying to kill her."
You ask the woman what is her name and she tells you:
You walk over to Amy and try to hug her but she turns away.
"What do you want?"
"My name is Richard Dick. I live in New York City.
I am an American citizen and proud of it. I am a professional fisherman and love fishing. My truck is totaled and I need some money for repairs. How much will it cost to fix my truck?"
You ask Amy to give you what she thinks is fair for destroying your truck and she gives you
a smile and says, "I'll let you have this."
Amy hands you a check for $2,000.
"How did you know how much my truck was worth?"
"It's a gift from God."
Amy explains that the mermaid of the lake was her step mother.
Her real mother died giving birth to her and she was raised by her father. One day, her father took her out fishing on the pier and they both fell asleep. When she woke up, she saw a mermaid in the lake and tried to catch it.
The mermaid locked eyes with the father and they instantly fell in love.
They married right then and there and lived happily ever after.
You say, "God really likes you."
"Yes, he does. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go home and prepare for our wedding tonight."
You watch Amy walk into the lake. You immediately rush to the bank and attempt to cash the check.
Unfortunately, the check is counterfeit.
"Damn! It's a fake!"
You are furious and ready to fight whoever made the check. But instead, you hear a voice behind you.
Welcome to the Lake District. My name is Jason. We are here because we heard about the giant carp attacking you. Would you like to join us for dinner?"
You turn around to see a man dressed in black leather pants and jacket with a top hat and cape.
You join Jason for dinner. Jason's house is lavish and right on the lake. You finish your meal when you notice Cory from AIPD's clothes which are covered in the bloody remains of the mermaid tucked under the table.
Jason asks you, "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
"No, not really. What do you have in mind?"
"Would you like to come along with me to visit my friend at the university?
He's a professor and has an amazing collection of ancient artifacts and books."
You say, "Sounds good."
You go to the
and head to a lab where the tanks are filled with carp and various blurry photos of mermaids.
You ask Jason, "Where's your friend?"
He says, "Over here."
You enter the room and see a large man standing in front of a microscope.
"Dr. Franklin, it's so nice to meet you."
Dr Franklin tells you he has been studying the Carpberus and thanks to you he was able to obtain it's corpse.
"So, what can I help you with today?"
You say, "I have a problem. I just received a check for $2,000 from the government and I need to cash it."
"You mean a bribe?"
"Well, that is a federal offense. I suggest you take it to the local police station."
"But that would ruin my life!"
Then you notice a photo of Amy and ask, "What's this about Dr Franklin?"
"This is Amy. She's my fiancé."
You ask him, "How long have you two been together?"
"We've known each other since high school. I proposed to her when she turned 18."
You ask Dr Franklin a weird question:
"Do you think that mermaid really existed?"
"Oh yes, she definitely did. Why do you ask?"
"I was wondering if maybe the government had something to do with her disappearance."
Dr Franklin tells you the government is indeed involved and that mermaids were a genetic experiment from the 50s that was testing the effects of
radiation on fish. The experiments failed miserably and resulted in the mermaids becoming aggressive and attacking humans.
"I don't know why they disappeared. Maybe they all went back to the ocean."
You invite yourself to Amy and Dr Franklin's wedding and bring along a very special plus one: Ocean Man.
You are now a member of the Lake District. Every morning, you wake up to a beautiful view of the lake and every night, you return home with an even better view.
You tell Ocean Man, "Oh Ocean Man, I love you!"
You ask him, "Are you going to be my new best friend?"
Ocean Man says, "I'm already your best friend."
You say, "Really? That's wonderful!
When you fall asleep, Ocean Man brings out an army of mermaids that were related to the mermaid you killed. They take turns stabbing the shit out of you in your sleep.
You wake up to find the mermaids gone. You run outside to see Amy waiting for you.
She says, "Richard! Are you alright?"
You say, "I feel terrible.
I need to get some air."
Amy takes you by the hand and leads you to the water. You immediately start swimming away from shore.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
You swim faster and faster until you are far enough away from land that the mermaids can no longer reach
Amy shows you her mermaid extinction manifesto.
"Now we can live happily ever after!"
A Special Guest Appearance
By R.J. Beddoes
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you for your interest in my novel, The First Mermaid.
Next time on "The First Mermaid":
1) You and Amy get married.
2) Your wife gives birth to a baby girl who grows up to become the second mermaid.
3) Your daughter becomes a mermaid herself.