You are Geronimo Rider, a researcher at the SCP foundation. You have been tasked with uncovering the secrets of SCP-7108 "the butter orb"
, an object contained in a special containment chamber within your facility.
The Foundation has determined that this anomaly is not only dangerous to those who come into contact with it but also potentially destructive if released.
You run your stand battery of tests on "the butter orb" and find out the following:
1) The orb appears to be composed entirely of butter. 2) It can move freely through space and time, but only by using energy from objects around it. 3) It appears to be able to change shape depending on the source of its energy.
You are working late one evening when you notice "the butter orb" take the shape of Paula Deen and say to you, "
I need to get home."
"What?" You ask, confused.
"I am hungry," she says, as if reading your mind. "And I want to cook dinner for my husband tonight."
"Ok, well we'll see what happens next," you reply.
This makes the butter creature angry and the buttery Paula Deen breaks out of containment and waddles to the kitchen consuming all the butter and oils and growing in size and power.
The butter creature is sent back to her prison, but the Paula Deen is left behind and grows even larger and stronger than before until she is a towering monster of pure mass and power. She then proceeds to devour everything in sight and begins a decades long campaign of destruction against the world.
You have been hard at work to get Paula Deen back into the SCP facility alive and subdued. You corner as she is about to consume another butter factory and reveal your troubled past.
"Back in my day we called that 'The Great Butter War' and boy were we wrong," you tell her. "Butter was used as fuel for artillery during the WW2 era and the Germans had a lot of it. But they weren't the only ones who used it.
You tell Paula that the US has a stockpile of weapons grade butter at a facility called "I can't believe it's Area 53". Paula falls right for your trap and begins to roll her fat ass right for Area 53.
When she gets there she finds herself surrounded by thousands of buttery soldiers, armed with guns made of butter, and butter tanks. You try to convince Paula that the buttery troops are here to help her, but she refuses.
Many men are lost to the monster that is Paula Deen, but it gives you time to setup your containment grid. You've found the one thing that can trap Paula:
cheese. You place one large chunk of cheese on Paula's belly and her body melts in lust for the delicious treat. She is trapped, but not before she has eaten every soldier in the area.
You create a 20 ft thick jail cell made entirely of cheese and ship Paula and the cheese containment cell back to the SCP facility.
Paula Deen now walks around the facility like she owns it. You go to the cafeteria and see Paula sitting at her desk eating lunch. You walk up to her and ask her how she likes her meatloaf.
"Very good," Paula says, licking her lips.
You are promoted for capturing Paula Deen and given the honorary SCP title of
You find yourself in the middle of a meeting with Dr. Jackson and his staff when an ominous voice says, "Time to gather the cows."
The moral of the story:
don't mess with the cowgirl.
"Alright, let's get started," Dr. Jackson says.
"How do we get the cows in here?" you ask.
"Easy," Dr. Jackson says. "We just need a few cows."