You see a vehicle on the horizon. It is driving toward your farm. You have not had visitors in years and are worried that your troubled past has come back to find you. > You run away from home You flee your home, abandoning it all behind you. The thought of being alone for the rest of your life fills you with despair. Your mother dies soon after leaving you. Your father remarries and takes another wife. He becomes very abusive towards his children. They live in squalor and misery. You decide to market the hell out of your peanuts, you want your Dad's approval and you decide the only way to do it is to be the best damn peanut farmer in Peru. In the next few months you make several trips into the mountains to collect nuts. One day you find yourself face to face with two men who appear to be local peasants. Their appearance does nothing to reassure you. When they ask you what you are doing here, you tell them that you are looking for a place to hide some peanuts. You throw down the bag of peanuts and strike a fighting pose. You say, "I am Terd Durkins, King of Peanuts and master of kung fu!" > You fight! You will show these peasants how the real king of peanuts fights! You charge forward swinging your fists as hard as you can. You swing your fist so hard that the peasant farmers duck and dodge. One of them grabs your arm and throws you against a tree. You hit the ground hard and feel like you might die right there. the peasants are about to finish you off when they see your glowing eyes. They get scared and run off into the forest. > You escape! Time to go, time to go... You crawl away from the tree and continue to crawl until you reach the edge of the woods. You look around and notice that the trees are much taller than you are. You quickly climb up to the top of one of the tallest trees you can find. You sit down on a branch and wait for nightfall. You Your body begans to morph as night falls. You look at your reflection in a pool of water and see you have become a giant peanut, with a cane and a monocle. You walk over to the nearest house and knock on the door. A man opens the door. His name is John Smith and he looks just like your Uncle Ed. He asks you where you are going and why you are wearing such strange clothing. He tells you that he lives in the same town as you. John Smith invites you into his house for some tea. He says to you "Thank you for coming in. I'm just a blind old man with a lot of gold stashed underneath my bed." You agree and enjoy a nice cup of tea. After the tea is finished you begin to talk to John Smith about your situation. You say "Give me some gold, please." John Smith replies "No problem. Here, take this coin". You open your pocket and pull out a small green piece of paper. "This is just some advice from the wise Mr. Durkins. I don't know anything about peanuts or kung fu. If you ever need help, just give me a call". You say "Give me more gold, please." > You accept the offer "Yes sir, I'll be sure to remember you and call you if I need any help". You reply "Well good luck, I hope you find what you're looking for". Afterwards you leave John Smiths house and head back to the farmhouse. You enter the front room and find your Mom sitting in her chair reading a book. You say to her "I thought you were dead.". She smiles and responds "Oh no, I'm still alive, but I've been working on a new novel since you left last week". Your Mom begins to read the novel aloud while you watch intently. She finishes the first chapter and then proceeds to read the entire thing. Finally she stops and says "Now I think you understand the basic plot of the story". You say "That story is pretty mediocre, Mom, considering you abandoned me to write it." Your Mom laughs and says "Oh no, I never abandoned you, I was writing about you all along!". She continues to read "Eventually I got tired of waiting and decided to jump into action. I found you wandering through the wilderness and took pity on you. I told you everything would work out and I'd take care of you later. Well guess what?" You say "Hold on one second." to your mother. You then head into the bathroom and proceed to pull down your pants and inspect your peanut genitalia. You look very closely at your peanut cock and balls and then describe what you see out loud. Mom smiles and says "What an interesting display! Now I believe you, because you seem like a very caring person". After hearing your account of events, Mom goes back to reading her novel. Suddenly a large bolt of lightning strikes the window above your head and knocks you unconscious.
Terd Durkins, owner/operator of a remote peanut farm at the base of the Auzangate mountain range in the country of Peru
Posted under Episode 135, Story On By Chief