Sully O’Kelly, a dinosaur tamer from the tough neighborhood of South Boston

Posted under Episode 83, Story On By Chief

You are invited to Matt Damon's house to tame a dinosaur he was given as a wrap gift from the makers of "The Martian.".

> You go with Damon and his friends! You decide that you want to stay at Matt Damon's house for a little while longer so you can get used to this place. When you arrive there is a party going on in the living room and it seems like everyone has come over to watch some TV or have a drink.

You discuss high school basketball coaching techniques to Ben Affleck, who explains that that was just one of his movies roles. He says he thinks you are an idiot.

Ben Affleck: I'm not an idiot. Sully O'Kelly: (hiccup) Matt Damon: That's because you're a dumbass.

You take a swing at Matt Damon, but you miss then fall over and fall on the glass coffee table that shatters into a million pieces.

Everyone laughs. Matt Damon: Hey, let's all go out for drinks tonight. Sully O'Kelly: What? No, no, no, no. We gotta stick to our training. Matt Damon: Oh, come on, we'll go to a bar. We'll find someone to play tag with.

You got out with Matt Damon and his friends to Doulihan's a popular irish bar where minorities are not made to feel welcome, even though they say anyone is welcome. You hear a rumbling noise coming from outside, then hear a woman scream, "Where did a stegasauras come frome?!".

You look outside and see a huge creature stomping around the front yard. It looks like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Everyone runs inside. Later... Matt Damon: So what do you think of my movie? Sully O'Kelly: It sucks. Matt Damon: Well, I guess it wasn't bad. You: Yeah, it sucked.

You say "You are not a good actor. You play the same character in every movie which is just you. You are not an actor, you are a fool. Now let's raise this dinosaur."

Matt Damon: This is a really great idea. Why don't we call him Stego? Sully O'Kelly: Okay, how about Stig? Matt Damon: How about Stig?

You go out into the street and try to calm down Stig, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. "Do you like apples," you ask Stig.

"Yes", Stig replies. "What color are they?" You continue. "Red", Stig answers. "How big are they?" You ask again. "Twelve inches", Stig responds. "Are they sweet?" You ask again. "No", Stig replies. "They're sour"., you say. "That's right. They're sour"., Stig says.

You say "Alright, the dinosaur has been trained. You can ride him now Mr Damon."

Afterwards, you go back to your trailer to sleep off the hangover. You wake up and realize you forgot to eat breakfast. You go downstairs and see that Matt Damon is eating cereal. Matt Damon: Hello, Sully. Sully O'Kelly: Hi Matt Damon. Matt Damon: Where are you staying today?

You say "I am staying here for at least the next 6 months. I have to keep an eye on your dino training. I will be moving into the pool house."

Matt Damon: Great, thanks for letting me know. Sully O'Kelly: See ya later. Sometime after you finish your training, Matt Damon comes by your trailer. Matt Damon: Hey, Sully, you ready to go? Sully O'Kelly: Yes, yes, I am. Matt Damon: Good, let's go.

You arrive on the set of Jurassic Joe, a crossover movie about G.I. Joe fighting dinosaurs.

The cast includes Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins, Nick Robinson and Omar Sy. You sit on the edge of the pool looking out at the jungle. There are several other actors and crew members watching you. At first you wonder if you should leave, but eventually you decide to stay.

You immediately start acting like the director and tell people what to do. Everyone is pissed off, but Matt Damon loves it.

The scene goes well. Later, you are taken to a trailer where you meet Claire Dearing, the actress playing Claire Dearing, the wife of John Hammond. She is played by Judy Greer. Clara Dearing: Are you okay? Are you sure you didn't catch something? Do you need any help? You: Nope, I'm fine.

your face begins to swell from some sort of allergic reaction

. The rest of the day is spent trying to get better. Later, you are told you are going to a place called the Lost World. It is a theme park built entirely of bones. The only thing left there is a skeleton holding a rifle. You begin to cry. Clara Dearing: Don't cry! You can do this! You will be a hero!

You wipe your tears away like a big boy and go to the Lost World.

When you arrive, you see a bunch of other kids. One is dressed as a pirate. Another is dressed as a cowboy. A third is wearing a pink tutu and riding a horse. You recognize them as the children who were living in the trailer when you arrived. You also notice that one of the children is missing part of her ear. You quickly run over to her.

You inspect the missing ear and say "definitely a dinosaur bite. Yessir.".

Clara Dearing: Oh no! He bit you! What are we gonna do? Matt Damon: We'll find another kid to take his place. Later, you and the others are shown a video screen where you watch footage of the past events. Clara Dearing: These movies make us seem so evil. Matt Damon: That was before the internet.

You Matt Damon asks you to train Stig the dinosaur to bite the girl's other ear so they look even.

Later, you are left with the decision of whether or not you want to become a professional monster hunter.

next monster hunter

: You think about all the things you did wrong that night. You can't believe you fell for that. You had such high hopes for yourself.

You hear a knock on your trailer door. You open the door and see a monster standing in the rain.

He looks very angry. Monster Hunter: What the fuck are you doing in here?! You're supposed to be hunting monsters! You're supposed to be saving the world! This isn't working! You: (sigh) Look...look...don't shoot...(Sob!) ...it's just me. I'm sorry I broke your heart.

You While the monster is wiping away his tears like a big boy, you shoot him with your dino-gun.

After he falls down, you pick him up and throw him against the wall. You then proceed to beat him up. You continue beating him until he cries and begs for mercy. Then you kill him. Monster Hunter: Why did you do this to me? I thought you loved me. Monster Hunter 2: You don't love anyone anymore.

You say "You can't hunt monsters without becoming one."

You walk around the woods and look for more monsters. Monster Hunter 3: You've found more than enough. Monsters are everywhere. They're everywhere in the forest, in the mountains, in the ocean, in the sky. All of them are hungry. And now, they're all coming back to you. Monster Hunter 4: You can feel their hunger.

You go to see Old Thaddeus, your monster mentor. He tells you that if all you see are monsters, maybe you're the monster.

You ask him how you can stop it. Old Thaddeus says that you have to fight them all, but you have to learn how to control yourself. You agree to this plan.

Old Thaddeus tells you about a monster refugee camp on the edge of the dessert. He hands you a map and say "You know what you must do"

> You follow Old Thaddeus's instructions. You head into the wilderness and soon come across a large group of refugees being held prisoner by an army of dinosaurs. They are all screaming and begging you to save them, but you refuse. You decide to free them, but you are suddenly attacked by dinosaurs.

You say "I should have never come here to Cookie Island."

You slay many of the dinosaurs, but you soon realize that you aren't strong enough to fight them all. They overwhelm you and devour you. You lie dead on the ground, surrounded by hundreds of bloodied bodies. Your last words are "I'm sorry..".

You say "not really. Hah"

> You try again. You manage to survive the onslaught of dinosaurs, but you still haven't learned to control yourself. You continue to attack the dinosaurs, but you continue to lose control. Soon you fall unconscious. You wake up in a dark room. There is a man standing behind you. He has long blond hair and wears a black suit.

You The man tells you, "Are you ready to be a real monster hunter now??

!" You look at him and say "Yes" The man smiles and says "Well let's get started then!" A few days later you are taken to a small arena. It's filled with cages made out of wood and metal bars. In each cage stands a ferocious looking creature. They are covered in scales, sharp teeth, claws, horns, spikes, etc".

You walk into the center of the arena and the cages holding the spikey monsters are opened. The battle begins.

Monster Hunter: The first thing you notice is that you are fighting alongside a human. He is dressed in a black suit and carries a pistol in his hand. He points the gun at you and fires several bullets at you. He hits you in the chest and you collapse onto the floor. You begin to bleed profusely from the wound and scream in pain.

You scream, "How do you like them apples?" and Stig rumbles into the arena. He stomps all over the man with the gun.

Stig yells at you, "So, you wanna play with these kids? Well I ain't playing with you". You stand up and start firing at him. He ducks down and kicks you in the face. You roll off the arena floor and land hard on the ground. You scream in pain as Stig continues to fire.

You press a button on your Rolex, and Stig explodes in a hail of dino-flesh. You say a silent prayer thanking the government for pioneering animal bombs using mini horses.

The humans run out of the arena while you continue to fight Stig. You continue to blast him with bullets and missiles. Eventually Stig runs out of ammunition and blasts you with a burst of electricity. You yell in pain as the lightning arcs through your body. You crawl away from the arena and find yourself alone in the jungle. You turn around and look at the trees.

You have never realized how beautiful the light is that filters through the leaves. You are bleeding heavily and see you life begin to flash before your eyes.

Suddenly, you hear a voice calling to you. You look up and see a tall, pale figure wearing a black cloak. He looks at you and speaks. Monster Hunter: The man calls himself "Master Ebon" and he appears to be a very old man.

You Master Ebon tell you, "Oh, I'm not here to save you. I just like watching people die.".

He walks towards you and grabs you by the throat. He pulls out a silver bar and drops it in front of you. He asks, "What would you have me do?" You reply, "Kill him". Master Ebon stares at you for a moment and then says, "Very well, kill him".

You continue.

> You kill Stig. You grab the silver bar and drop it on Stig's head. As he falls backwards, you pull the bar out of his skull. You feel a rush of energy go through your body and you laugh maniacally. Monster Hunter: The next day you awake in your cabin. You are exhausted and hungry.

You turn over in bed and see Stig's head. You scream and scream and scream and scream...

> You eat Stig. You take a bite out of Stig and gulp down some meat. Suddenly, you feel much better. You look at Stig's body lying on the floor and smile. You say "Goodbye Stig..". and throw Stig's corpse against the wall. You sigh and lay back down in bed.