Star Wars Episode X: Don’t Look In My Garage!

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You can't fall asleep and have been tossing and turning for hours. You decide to look out of your window and you notice something unusual outside. Your next door neighbor is frantically transporting large garbage bags from his garage to the trunk of his car. He finally closes his trunk and goes back in. Curiosity gets the better of you, so you keep watching. When he comes out again, he's wearing completely different clothing.
 It looks like a tuxedo but it doesn't fit him right; there are too many wrinkles and buttons missing. The man runs into his house and when he returns, all of his clothes disappear except for one pair of pants that fits perfectly.

You think to yourself, "How strange." and open a whole fridge filled With Spag Bols in a Can that are out of date.
 You hear some kind of noise coming from downstairs and peek down the stairs. A naked woman with her hair tied up in pigtails is making weird noises while dancing around on the kitchen floor. She seems excited by whatever she's doing as well.

You notice the woman is holding something and you say, "Oh look! It's Qui Gon Jinn's lightsaber. Oh wow... I see a jar labelled 'sperm of the last jedi' how curious..."

The woman starts singing:
"Hey hey hey hey, hey hey hey hey,
Who's your daddy?
I am the last Jedi,
He's the only one left now.

And I'm gonna be his slut!"

You say, "I like how Spag Bols taste, but they make me poop. I already crapped myself today."

She laughs and says, "That was funny! Come dance with me!"
So you get up off the couch and follow her into the kitchen where she grabs your hand and pulls you onto the floor.

You hear a noise outside.  You run to the window and notice your weird neighbor is
 walking away from his house. His tuxedo is gone and he's dressed in black leather. He's got a long sword strapped to his side.
Your eyes grow wide as you watch him walk towards the highway.

You suspect your neighbor of being a highlander.  You run outside with your lightsaber and challenge him to a fight by the side of the highway.

He swings his blade at you but misses. You swing your saber through his legs and knock him unconscious.
You drag him inside the house and throw him into the bathtub. You turn on the shower and start washing him down.

You level up and obtain the following Jedi powers:

* The Force is strong with you.
* Your mind is strong.
* You are quick on your feet.
You are no longer able to move because you are so turned on by what you're doing.

The woman from earlier enter the bathroom and sees your injured neighbor sitting in the tub.
 She says, "Look at this mess! I'll have to clean it up later."
You respond, "Yes please! I want you to clean it up."
She replies, "You know, if you had just asked nicely, I would have cleaned it up for you."

You realize that you were insensitive and try to apologize to the woman.  As she storms out of the house, you ask, "Hey, what is your name!?"

She turns around and says, "It's not important."
You say, "But I need to know who you are. You're the first person that's ever helped me. Please tell me your name!"

She turns around and reveals that she is a sith lord named
 Darth Malgus.
You say, "Wow! That's awesome! My name is Luke Skywalker and I am the last Jedi! And you're my friend!"
Darth Malgus asks, "What is a Jedi?"

You say, "That's not important, hey can you teach me the ways of the sith?"

Malgus tells you, "No, you must learn on your own."
You say, "Okay then, how do I become a sith lord?"
She teaches you the way of the sith and you begin to practice.

You train for months and learn the following new skills:

* Your body is stronger than any other.
* You can kill with the force.
* You are an excellent warrior.
You return home to find Darth Malgus has vanished.

You run outside and look around and notice your neighbor has healed up and is actively killing someone in his garage.

You rush over and stop him from beating up his wife.
You say, "What the hell!? What happened to you!?"
He says, "I've been training hard to become a sith lord."

You notice a weird smell coming from all the many garbage bags piled up in your neighbors garage.  You use your force powers to tear them open and see that they contained:

* A large pile of human skulls.
* A large pile of female genitalia.
* A large pile of male genitalia.
You say, "This isn't right! Who did this!?"

While you are distracted by the contents of the trash bags, your neighbor knocks you out.

You wake up in a cell in the darkside of the galaxy. You feel great and ready to take on the universe.
You are taken to meet Darth Vader.
Vader says, "Hello Luke.
 I am Darth Vader."
You say, "I'm sorry, but I don't remember you."
He says, "I am your father."
You say, "Oh shit! You're my dad!?"

Darth Vader takes off his helmet: it is your neighbor!

Your neighbor says, "I thought I was your father. I tried to save you from the dark side."
You say, "But you're a good guy! Why would you ever try to kill me!?"

Your father looks confused.  He knows that you have seen the skulls and horror he kept in his garage.  Your father says, "You know... I killed all those people."

You say, "I know, I saw them. But you weren't trying to kill me! You were just trying to be a better person!"
Your father says, "You're right.
 I didn't mean to kill anyone. I was only trying to help you. But now I think it's time for you to die."
You say, "Wait! Can we talk about this!?"

Darth Vader chops off your hand.

You scream in pain


You scream and ask, "But why all the dicks and vaginas?  Why did you collect all those human remains?"

Your father says, "I was only trying to show you that there is another way. There is a path for everyone. I wanted to make sure that you could choose your own destiny."
You say, "But I chose the Jedi way!
 I became a Jedi!"
Your father says, "I'm sorry son. I just couldn't let you continue down the wrong path. I love you too much."
You say, "No!
 Wait! Don't leave me here! Please! I don't want to be alone!"
You hear a voice say, "Help him, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
A ghostly image appears next to you and says, "My boy.

The ghost of Obi-Wan shoves Vader off a bridge and into the bottomless pit below.

You say, "Thank you, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan says, "Don't thank me yet. I still haven't saved your life."
You say, "What!?
 What do you mean?"
Obi-Wan says, "I mean I have to go back to Naboo."
You say, "Naboo? What is going on!?"
Obi-Wan says, "There is a prophecy that foretells the end of the Sith.

Next time on "Star Wars Episode X: Don't Look In My Garage!":

"We need to get to Naboo as soon as possible."
You say, "Wait! What are you talking about!?"
Obi-Wan says, "I need to tell Anakin Skywalker something."