Sold My Soul For A Trash Sausage

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Gerald, a garbage man. In order to make some quick cash, you decide to start selling things from the garbage can, including old food, ripped clothes and last week's newspaper.
 You use your bicycle cart as an impromptu shop front. Your first customer is Mr. Kowalski who has been complaining about his wife for years. He pays $5 for one of those special diet meals that she won't touch anymore.

Mr Kowalski buy a bunch of half eaten sausages from you for $20 and says, "Let me know whenever you have something delicious and I'll be there!"
 That night at dinner he eats two more sausage rolls. The next day when you go to pick up your money, Mr. Kowalski gives you $100 instead of the usual $10 tip.

You give Mr Kowalski your best garbage sourced cut of a meat:
 ″The whole thing! And don’t forget to put it on my tab."
Two days later, Mrs. Kowalski calls you and asks if she can come by with her shopping bag so you take it over.

You fill Mrs Kowalski's bag with your best vegetables.
 She gives you $50 in change and tells you not to worry about the bill because she will pay it every week. You are very happy with this arrangement and look forward to collecting her trash every week.

One day Mr and Mrs Kowalski show up to the bicycle cart at the same time.  Mrs Kowalski gets furious that her husband has been cheating on his diet with meat from the trash.  She notices a weapon for sale:
 a sawed off shotgun, loaded with bird shot.  She buys it and takes it home with her.
That night after dinner, Mrs Kowalski goes out into the garage and loads the gun.

Mrs Kowalski asks her husband to smell his breath.  He resists and she point the gun at him.  She yells, "LET ME SMELL IT! OR ELSE!!!"  Sheepishly Mr Kowalski complies and his wife smells the scent of rotten meat on his breath.  Mrs Kowalski goes in a furious rage.
  She grabs the shotgun and shoots Mr Kowalski right between the eyes, killing him instantly.
What do you think? Is this murder or self defense? Do you feel guilty about what happened to Mr. Kowalski?

You terrible about what happened to Mr Kowalski and you feel like you were to blame for helping him cheat on his diet.  You remember that one day searching through the trash you found a mysterious book that claimed it could bring people back from the dead.  You decide to give it a shot and attempt to revive Mr Kowalski.  Storms cloud swirl above and lightening strikes as you read the following incantation:

"I call upon thee, Lord of the Underworld, bring him back to life! Let him walk among the living once again!"
You wave your hand over Mr Kowalski's body and chant the words from the book.

Mr Kowalski rises up and looks around.  He can't believe it, he is back from the dead!

He thanks you profusely for reviving him.
Mr Kowalski asks if he can stay at your place until he finds a new job.  He says he will work hard and repay you in the future.

Mr Kowalski eventually finds a new job as a
 mechanic at a local auto repair shop.  One day, while he is working on a car, a customer named Joe comes in and starts talking shit about his wife.  Mr Kowalski doesn't like Joe and decides to teach him a lesson.

Mr Kowalski cuts the brakes to the man's vehicle and man perishes in a accident on the way home.  You hear about and feel bad and decide to bring Joe back from the dead as well.

You wave your hand over the corpse and chant the following incantation:
"I call upon thee, Lord of the Underworld, bring him back to life! Let him walk among the living once again!"

Joe snaps back to life, grabs a tire iron, and kills Mr Kowalski.

Mr Kowalski wakes up and screams bloody murder at you.
You are horrified by what just happened and start crying.
Mr Kowalski starts screaming, "What did you do to me?!

You are surprised that Mr Kowalski came back to life automagically.  You read further into the mysterious book and realize that you not only revived Mr Kowalski and Joe, but you gave them immortality.

You cry and apologize to Mr Kowalski for everything you have done to him.
You say goodbye to Mr Kowalski and tell him that you love him.
You hug him and kiss him and then he vanishes.

You realize where he vanish to and know you have to rescue him.  You go to the Underworld and attempt to free Mr Kowalski's soul.

You arrive at the gates of the Underworld and are told that you must pass a series of trials to enter the realm.
The first trial requires you to make a sacrifice.
You decide to offer up your own heart.

You see Mr Kowalski from the gate and yell, "Mr. Kowalski, if you forgive me for everything that I did, I'll buy you a subscription to AIPD. AIPD will make everything better."

Mr Kowalski is shocked to see you and he smiles and says, "Thank you.  But I'm already a subscriber."
You are confused by this answer.
Mr Kowalski explains that he was a member of the American Immortality Project Development Society (AIPDS
) and that he had been given an eternal life.
He tells you that he decided to give it all up when he learned about the dangers of using the strange book.
Mr Kowalski says, "Now that you're here, we should get going.

Mr Kowalski attempts to just leave the Underworld when suddenly the Lord of the Underworld bursts out from the ground and grabs him.  The Lord of the Underworld says, "Your going nowhere!  Your soul is mine!!!"

You hear the Lord of the Underworld say something else and you are forced to watch as Mr Kowalski is devoured by the Lord of the Underworld.
You scream and beg the Lord of the Underworld to let Mr Kowalski go.

The Lord of the Underworld says make me an offer for his life, and you say, "Ok, you can have my garbage cart!"

The Lord of the Underworld says, "That's not nearly enough."
You say, "How about my soul?"
The Lord of the Underworld says, "No deal!"
You ask the Lord of the Underworld what he wants.

He says, "I want your soul and your house. I also want the souls of your children and your grandchildren. And finally, I want your mother, father, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws, their spouses,
 and any other relatives who might be present. I want them all and every last one of your possessions.
You look at the Lord of the Underworld and say, "Ok, ok!  How about my soul and your car?

The Lord of the Underworld says, "Nope."
You say, "Well how about my soul and your car and a thousand dollars cash money?"
The Lord of the Underworld says, "Nope."

You say, "Ok, I accept your offer!  Take my family and my things, but please let Mr Kowalski go!"

The Lord of the Underworld says, "No deal."
You say, "Fine, take everything!"
The Lord of the Underworld says, "Deal."
You say, "Ok, now release Mr Kowalski's soul and let him go!!"

The Lord of the Underworld says, "Done!"
And then Mr Kowalski appears from the ground.
He looks around and sees you, his wife, and all of your relatives and he says, "Oh thank God!

Next time on "Sold My Soul For A Trash Sausage":

We learn that the Lord of the Underworld has some sort of vendetta against our entire family.
Mr Kowalski says, "Ok, so what is this 'vendetta' that you have against us?"