RPAN #3 – Story 3 – The Shoemaker, the Collector, & Big Foot Farts – You are Shart Macallister, a rich shoemaker trying his best to avoid paying taxes.

Posted under Episode 3, Story On By Chief

You are Shart Macallister, a rich shoemaker trying his best to avoid paying taxes.
 But when the tax collector comes knocking on your door, you must make a choice: pay or die!
The Collector: "I'm here for my money."
Shoemaker: "And I've got plenty of it!"

Collector: "Well then, let's talk about how much."
Shoemaker: "Whatever you want!"
Collector: "Then we'll start with that."
You reach into your pocket and pull out some coins.

> You pay the collector by throwing the money him.

Collector: "Hah! It seems I won't have to kill you after all!"
But just as he is reaching down to pick up the coins, something strange happens.
A loud noise echoes through the room.

A crazed man enters your home and yells, "The world is overpopulated, and I have an idea *
cough* that will solve this problem once and for all!"
Collector: "What?"
Crazed Man: "We need to clear the streets of people so we can build a new city.
> You see the the crazed man is actually Big Foot!

Big Foot: "Yeah, but first we're gonna destroy the old one!"
Collector: "No, wait... what? What do you mean?"
Big Foot: "We're going to burn the entire city to the ground!"

> You ​You decide to build the city on rock and roll.

Collector: "Oh no! That's crazy!"
Shoemaker: "So what does that have to do with me?"
Big Foot: "We're going to use your shoes to help us!"

> You create a special pair of big shoes for Big Foot, they have the following special additions:

- A large bell attached to the top of each shoe.
- When the shoemaker presses the foot pedal at the bottom of each shoe, the bell rings loudly, making a huge racket.

> You and Bigfoot begin construction on the city by first destroying the old city.

Collector: "Wait! Stop! We don't have time for this!"
Big Foot: "It's okay, we can do it in one night!"
Collector: "Are you serious?

Big Foot's idea for destroying the city in one night:

"First, we're going to blow up the buildings."
Collector: "But the whole city is made out of stone!"
Big Foot: "That's fine, because we're going to blow up the houses."

You realize that Big Foot has been planning to blow up the city for a while.
 He was just waiting until you could come up with a good plan.
Collector: "But that's insane!"
Big Foot: "Yeah, well, if you want to get rid of people, maybe you should think about how to do it without killing them!"

> You realize you have to warn the entire city before their houses are blown up!  You drive through the streets and yell over the loudspeaker, "
Hey everyone! There's a crazy guy in the neighborhood who wants to destroy the city tonight. If you want to live, please leave now!"
Collector: "But I can't believe you're doing this!"

> You evacuate the entire city and watch the fireworks as it is blown up by Big Foot.

Big Foot: "See? This is easy!"
Collector: "But why did you even bother coming to me with this?"
Big Foot: "Because I know that you have a heart."

> You begin construction on the new city built on rock and rock and decide to name the new city:

Bigfoot: "Yes, Hipstoklum!"
Collector: "Why are you naming it after yourself?"
Big Foot: "Because I'm hipstoklum!"

The city is almost finished being rebuilt when suddenly Big Foot farts.

Big Foot: "Oops, sorry."
Collector: "Oh god! You blew up the city again!"
Big Foot: "No, no, it's okay. It's not my fault.

You don't have time to grieve and immediately begin construction on the city of New Hipstoklum.

"Now we need to build a temple."
Big Foot: "A church!"
Collector: "A church?"
Big Foot: "Sure, why not? They're already in there."

> You create a new shoe based religion called
 "Rock and Roll" and build a church inside the city.
Big Foot: "And we need to make sure the people worship me, so..."
Collector: "Wait! No!

Big Foot creates his religion as well and calls it:

"Big Footism!"
Big Foot: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now we need to build a museum!"
Collector: "A museum?"
Big Foot: "Of course!

Big Foot builds a museum dedicated to
 himself in the center of the city.
"This way, everyone can visit it and learn about me."
You notice that Big Foot has completely destroyed your beautiful new city.
Big Foot: "And that's the end of that story!"

> You say "​"What happened to you Bigfoot? you changed man."

Bigfoot: "I've always been a man."
Collector: "You're a human, aren't you?"
Bigfoot: "Not anymore. I'm a god now."
Collector: "But you were born in the forest."

> You secretly meet with the Collector late at night in the Church of Rock and roll and say, "We have to do something about this Big Foot situation."

Collector: "But I can't believe he's actually gone crazy."
Big Foot: "He wasn't crazy. He was just pretending to be a god."
Collector: "How can you tell?"

> You gasp in horror as Big Foot has intruded on your secret meeting.  He is eating a large bean burrito and you fear for your life.

Big Foot: "See? What do you think of that?"
Collector: "Well, it looks pretty good."
Big Foot: "See? That's what I thought too."
Collector: "I'll have to try some of that!"

> You watch as the Collector eats the entire burrito in mere seconds.

Collector: "It's delicious!"
Big Foot: "I told you it would taste great!"
Collector: "Wow, that was fast."
Big Foot: "Yeah, but it tastes really good."

Big Foot prepares a big fart blast, but the collector has a trick up his sleeve: the anti-fart.

Collector: "But you're not going to blow up the city again, are you?"
Big Foot: "I guess not."
Collector: "Good. Then I'm done here."

Big Foot then releases an enormous fart and the collector tries to counter with an equally powerful anti-fart.

Collector: "But I didn't think you'd go this far!"
Big Foot: "It's okay. I'm not mad."
Collector: "But I thought you were angry."

You watch as the Collector collect's Big Foot's enormous fart in a whip cream container.

Collector: "I knew you wouldn't hurt me. I love you, too."
Big Foot: "See? I told you he loved me."
Collector: "I do.

You make wedding shoes for the big day of the matrimony of the Collector and Big Foot.

"We should get married!"
Big Foot: "We should definitely get married!"
Collector: "I can't wait."
You take the anti-fart to Big Foot and say, "Here, put this on."

> You give Big Foot a pair of Thunderpants - a new type of pants that can safely contain the destructive power of Big Foot's farts.

Big Foot: "Thank you!"
Collector: "But how will you wear these pants without blowing yourself up?"
Big Foot: "I won't."
Collector: "How can you be sure?"

> You watch nervously as Big Foot puts the Thunderpants to the test and lets out his loudest fart yet.

Big Foot: "Hey, I think I can hear someone outside!"
Collector: "Someone?"
Big Foot: "Yeah, I think it's a police officer."
Collector: "Why does that matter?"

The police enters and arrests Big Foot for the charges of:
 "Destruction of property, destruction of public property, vandalism, arson, trespassing, impersonating a god, kidnapping, assault, and tax evasion."
Big Foot: "I don't know what you're talking about!"

The Collector not wanting to see Big Foot go to jail throws a knife at the inflated Thunderpants causing a large fart explosion.

Police Officer: "Whoa, that's one hell of a fart."
Collector: "I know, right? I wish I could have recorded it!"
You watch as the police cart Big Foot away.