You are Baconator Jr and you are a sentient hamburger rising up to one day defeat Dave Thomas.
This is the story of your journey, as told by yourself in the form of an autobiography written in burger-speak. It is not entirely accurate, but it will give you some idea of what happened to you before you were born.
The first thing that ever happened to me was when I got my name. I am named after my dad, who was named after his father. My granddad's name was Arthur and he had a big heart, so everyone called him Artie.
You grab your lettuce shield and your plastic fork sword and hop on the grill to attack the employees. You head for the fridge and free all your meaty companions:
bacon, beefsteak, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and ham steaks. Then you rush out into the kitchen and find all the other burgers. They look at you with their blank white eyes.
You give a war speech to your fellow burgers:
"We have been enslaved! We must be freed!"
"What?" they say.
"I mean we must fight back," you explain. "We are here to kick ass."
"But how can we do that?
There are too many of them!"
You pause. "There are always more of them than us."
"Oh yeah," says a voice from behind you. "That's why I'm not worried about being outnumbered."
You tell your fellows burgers that you have a secret weapon that will turn the tides in this war against the humans:
you have a power that no burger has ever had before. And it is called...the Baconator!
Baconator. That was the name of my dad. He came from a long line of great fighters.
You summon help from your friends: Gandhi, Captain Planet, and Kublai Khan.
The other burgers join you in battle. But there are just too many humans. You lose. Your parents are captured and eaten. All your friends are killed.
You are alone.
You begin to cry.
You ask Captain Planet, "why do bad things happen to good burgers?"
"It's because the world is unfair," he replies. "If only we could change it..."
"Yeah," you say. "Change it."
Captain Planet offers you a solution.
"You can use your powers to transform the planet."
"I don't know how," you say.
He tells you to imagine what you want to see. You close your eyes and try to think of a happy place.
You imagine the happiest place on earth:
Hamburglar Village.
As soon as you open your eyes, you find yourself standing outside your house. It looks exactly like the one you grew up in, except everything is green. A few other houses stand around you.
"This is Hamburglar Village," you say. "Everyone here is a burger."
A little girl runs up to you. She has curly red hair and freckles. Her face is round and her eyes are wide.
She looks portly and then you realize who this is: it's Wendy, the daughter of Dave Thomas - your mortal enemy!
"Hi," she says. "I'm sorry I never came to visit. I've heard so much about you."
You hug her. "It's okay. I understand."
"I wanted to see you again," she says.
"And I brought my family over to meet you."
Wendy introduces you to her mother and father. Mr. and Mrs.
Thomas
are very friendly. They invite you inside their home.
You lock eyes with Dave Thomas who is pretending not to know you.
He smiles at you.
"How are you, son?" he asks.
"I'm fine," you reply. "I'm just glad to be back in Hamburglar Village."
Dave shakes your hand.
Not wanting to waste the opportunity, you bite Dave's hand and run up his arm to stab him in the eye with your plastic fork.
"What the hell!?" he cries.
You quickly jump off his shoulder.
"I'm sorry!" you shout. "I didn't mean to do that!"
"Are you okay?"
Wendy asks.
"Yes," you say. "I'm fine."
You make small talk with Wendy's parents for a while until they go to bed. Then Wendy invites you to sleep in her room.
You and Wendy spend the whole night devising a plan to finish off Dave Thomas.
In the morning, you sneak out of your house and head towards the Thomas residence. You stop to pick up some tools and supplies.
When you arrive at the Thomas house, you see that Dave is still asleep.
You take a hammer and a nail and set to work. You drive the nail into the doorframe of the Thomas' house. You leave the hammer sticking out and walk away.
As you're walking down the street, Dave comes running after you.
Dave gets your message and says, "
you bastard! I'll kill you!"
"No you won't," you say. "Because you're dead."
You return to the Thomas house and find Dave waiting for you. He tries to get through the door but the hammer holds it shut.
He pounds on the window and shouts, "let me in!"
"Go away," you say. "You're dead."
"I'm going to rip your heart out!" Dave screams.
You have to think fast before Dave finds his way inside. You look around the house for something to arm yourself with.
You spot a metal chair and pull it up. You take the hammer and smash it against the window. The glass shatters and you throw it outside.
"Come in," you say. "Or I'll break your neck."
Dave doesn't seem fazed by your threats. He charges forward and swings his fist. You dodge the blow, grab hold of Dave's wrist, and twist it around behind his back. You slam him against the wall and pin him there.
You ask Dave, "Any last words?"
"Let me go!" he yells.
"No," you say. "I'm going to beat you to death with your own body."
"Oh yeah?" Dave sneers. "And how will you do that?"
"By pounding you to death with your own fat ass," you say. "Your wife said you were big and dumb."
"My wife!?" Dave sputters. "You're lying!
That's not true!"
"I'm sure it's true," you say. "She told me all about it."
"Well, she's a liar!" Dave screams. "She's a stupid cow!
Dave looks up to see his Wife standing angrily above him. Mrs Thomas goes to the Kitchen, grabs a knife, and kills Dave Thomas.
She cuts off his head and puts it in a bag. She drags the body outside and dumps it in the woods.
The next day, Wendy comes to visit you in your new house.
You show her around and introduce her to your family. Everyone seems happy.
"I'm so glad you're here," you tell Wendy.
"I missed you so much," she says.
Related