Roger Rodriguez, major league baseball pitcher

Posted under Episode 101, Story On By Chief

You are pitching in the final inning. You are about to throw the final strike when you coach calls timeout. He walks out to the pitching mound to give you a motivational speech.

> You listen to him You look around and see that the entire stadium is watching you. They want to know what this man has to say. You nod your head slowly, taking it all in. The crowd is silent as they wait for you to speak. "I am here today because I have something to prove," you begin.

You continue.

"My name is Roger Rodriguez". "I believe that we can do better than what we've been doing so far this season. We're not winning enough games. We need to be playing more exciting ballgames". The coach looks at you with a mixture of disappointment and respect. "It's true. It's true. We haven't played many exciting ballgames lately".

You Throw the ball at the next batter and hit him in the butt. You pound your chest and scream "USA! USA!" The crowd goes wild.

You walk back onto the field. The coach stands up from his seat and begins walking towards you. "Well?" he says. "We don't play much fun ball anymore". You shake your head. "No. We just aren't playing enough fun ballgames. If we keep putting off playing them, we won't get any practice before we go on the road again".

You attack the rival team for no reason other than to make the game more interesting. It clears both dugouts and the fight lasts for several hours.

Eventually the opposing manager comes over to you. "Hey boss, we had a real good time last night". "Yeah, well let's try it again", you reply. The next day you face off against another rival team. This one has a lot more talent. You win easily and take the lead in the standings. Your teammates congratulate you. "That was awesome!"

You celebrate with your teammates by having a contest to see who can get the most pussy in one night.

The following week, the opposing manager comes over to you. "Hey boss, we're really starting to turn things around now". "Yeah, but we still have a long way to go". "What do you mean?" you ask. "Last night we beat a pretty good team, didn't we? We should be able to do it again".

You pick a fight with the mascot.

Your team wins the next three games and you feel like you are getting closer to being a champion. Then the opposing manager comes over to you. "Hey boss, we really need to start playing some fun ball games". "Yeah, but I'm starting to think that I'm starting to lose my edge". "Well, there's only two weeks left until the playoffs".

You visit sick kids in the hospital and promise them you will make the playoffs by maximizing fun.


You promise one of the sick kids that you will hit a home run just for him. You pinky swear.

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You Before the game starts, you get word that the sick kid you pinky swore with had to have his pinky amputated. Freed from the pressure of keeping your promise, you hit three home runs, and your team score 9 out of 10 on the Fun Scale.

After the game, you sit down to eat dinner with your family. A young girl sits across from you, her eyes wide open in shock. She tells you she watched you hit the home runs and then the boy in front of her told her how you promised to hit the boy in front of him with a bat if he did what you said.

You say "A promise is a promise," you say, as you hit the boy in front of her with a bat. If he wasn't a sick kid before, he definitely is now.

You After the game, you watch the little girl cry. She doesn't understand why you would hurt her friend. She asks you "Why did you do that?" You respond "Because I love you". You After the game, you look at the little girl. Her eyes fill with tears. She hugs you and cries. You tell her "Don't cry, sweetie".

You Your team makes the fun playoffs. Your opponent in the first round has a roster full of former YouTube pranksters. It will be tough to have more fun than them.

You In the third round, you face the team known as The Boring Boys. They have been called boring because they lack excitement. However, they have done everything right so far and are ready for their big moment. They prepare to face the Boring Boys. You As soon as the whistle blows, you throw your bat at the ground.

You run over to the other team's coach and pull down his pants. The crowd loves it. 10 out of 10 for fun.

You In the fourth round, you face the team called The Fun Guys. They've got all the skills, but not enough fun. You kick the ball into the goal every chance you get. You score 8 goals, while the rest of your team scores only 2. You In the fifth round, you face the team called The Funny Boys.

You catch the ball and throw it through the hoop.

No one can stop you. Everyone loves you. You In the sixth round, you face the team called The Fucking Idiots. They're too stupid to know when to quit. They give up after each loss. They suck! Their fans hate them. You score 9 goals, while the rest of your team scores only 1.

You advance to the World Funnies, the championship series of your league. You are an underdog against the other team, which is known as the Self-Haters. The series will come down to whoever can score the most touchdowns. This is baseball at its finest.

> You play fair You play fair. You don't try to cheat or anything like that. You score the most touchdowns and you win. You In the seventh round, you face the team called The Unfunny Fans. They're fucking terrible. They give up after each loss. They suck! Their fans hate them.

You read the schedule and read all the other teams names out loud.

You score 15 touchdowns, while the rest of your team scores only 5. You advance to the final round where you face the team called The Dumbass Fans. They're too dumb to know when to quit. They give up after each loss. They suck! Their fans hate them. You score 18 touchdowns, while the rest of your team scores only 4.

But you lose, your 18 touchdowns don't hold up to their 144 winkle fun girl points. It's half time, you go to the locker room feeling awful.

The next day, you wake up. You feel better. You still have a lot of work to do though. Time to play some baseball again. YOU ARE THE WORLD'S MOST FUNNY BASEBALL TEAM!

You head out onto the field and grab a microphone to warm up the crowd with your comedy. You tell them several jokes and do many vaudeville bits.

"I'm going to pitch a fastball!" "That was a strike!" "This guy is so fat, he looks like a baby seal". "We should call this one a no-no!" "Here comes my daddy!" They love it. They laugh, clap and cheer.

You do the "who's on first" bit.

You start warming up the crowd with your act, until finally, the time comes for you to take the mound. Your teammates line up behind you. You walk out to the mound and stand there waiting for the cue. Your teammate calls out "Go!". You swing your bat and hit the ball towards the plate. It goes straight! Your teammates scream and applaud.

You take a shit on home plate. "Be sure to clean your plate," you tell the umpire. He immediately retires because you are so funny and having so much fun.

Your team wins the tournament, and you become the world's funniest baseball team. Congratulations, you have won the world championship! You win the world championships for fun!

You Your team's city throws you a championship parade. You invite all the sick kids from the hospital, although only have of them have survived.

They march in step with you. Then, they all ride in a limo. And then, you all fly away on a jet plane. You are the WORLD'S FUNNIEST BASEBALL TEAM!

You play and joke on all the kids in the private jet and tell them "We are going to crash!" Then you laugh at their fear.

You are the WORLD'S FUNNIES! You win the World Championships for fun!

You hold a press conference when you land. While you are talking to the media, you send the sick kids on a scavenger hunt to find their medicine.

When they return, they are cured. You win the World Championships for fun! You play golf with the president of the United States. He asks you if you want to see his mansion. You say yes. You drive over to the mansion. Inside, you find a bunch of money.

You ask the President "What is your name?" and smile.

He says "My name is what?" and tells you his name is "Bobby". You say "Nice to meet ya Bobby" and shake his hand. Then, you both leave the mansion. You are the WORLD'S FUNNIEST BASEBALL TEAM! You are on a boat sailing across the ocean. Suddenly, you hear a noise outside the cabin.

You feel something inside your pocket, it's one of the sick kids life saving medicine containers. You rush back to shore, but it is too late. Everyone stops laughing at you and starts throwing rotten produce at your everywhere you go.

> You get rid of the medicine You throw the container into the sea. You are now the WORLD'S DUMBASS FOOTBALL TEAM!

You retire in shame to your funny farm, where you grow bananas so people can slip on the peels.

Your Mom comes to visit to cheer you up, she slips on a banana peel and breaks her back.

She dies. You think about how sad that must be. Then, you remember you got rid of the medicine. Now you are the WORLD'S FUNNIES! You are the WORLD'S FUNNIES! You win the World Championship for Fun! You are the WORLD'S FUNNIES! You win the World Cup for Fun!