You are a survivor named Greg. You have just been bitten by a zombie! (Sorry, Greg!) You know you will turn in about three days. Before then, you intend to live it up as much as possible! Your bucket list includes the following 10 post-apocalyptic activities: 1. Eat some brains. 2. Get drunk on blood. 3. Take your clothes off and run around naked. 4. Find a girl with big tits and fuck her senseless. 5. Try out for an X Games competition. 6. Play some video games that require guns. 7. Watch movies like The Hunger Games or Dawn of the Dead. 8. Go skydiving without a parachute. 9. Build a time machine. 10. Buy all new stuff—stuff you don't need yet but really want. After reading this book, I bet you can do at least eight of these things before turning into a walking corpse! And if you don't get eaten first... well, maybe we'll meet again sometime. Maybe not. But hey, now you've got something to look forward to besides being dead. So give yourself a pat on the back and keep going. You shamble by a hospital and notice a dumpster filled with brains. You decide to cross an item off your bucket list and grab the juiciest brain you can find. It is surprisingly delicious and doesn't make you feel weird at all. As you devour it, you reflect on how strange life would be if everyone was always hungry and never satisfied. You wonder what your parents must have thought when they saw you eating brains. You enter the hospital and it is completely deserted. You notice a Bucket of Blood that's just lying on the floor of the Hospital. You drink some of it and cross another item off you bucket list! Now you're getting pretty good at this game! As you wander through the empty hospital, you hear moaning coming from one of the rooms. Curious, you peek inside. There you see a woman chained to the wall, covered in blood. You close the door and run further the down the hall kicking off all your clothes and finishing another item on your bucket list. After a few minutes of running around nude, you spot a nurse's office and go inside. Inside you see a female nurse sitting behind her desk. She looks up at you and smiles. "Hi there," she says. You notice her big tits and ask, "By chance, would you know how to build a time machine?" She laughs and tells you, "Sure, I could show you how to build one." "Great!" you say. "I've been thinking about building one for a while now." The nurse grabs a phone and calls someone. A mysterious van arrives and drops off all the parts required to build a time machine. You notice the list of parts include: a giant hourglass, a small cannon, a large bell, a bottle of water, and a box of matches. You take the parts and head outside where the van is parked. The driver gets out and hands you the instructions. The instructions are surprisingly simple, you read it and it says: 1) Put the hourglass on top of the cannon. 2) Put the bell on top of the hourglass. 3) Fill the hourglass with sand until it runs out. 4) Light the match and throw it into the bottle of water. 5) Wait a minute. 6) Throw the bottle into the air. 7) Grab the cannon and aim it at the sky. 8) Pull the trigger. 9) Enjoy! So you follow the instructions. You put the hourglass on top of the cannon. Then you place the bell on top of the hourglass. Just as you are about to finish building the machine, you trip over a bucket of zombie turds. You fire the cannon accidentally and are thrown randomly into a time portal and you have no idea where you will end up! Greg, It's me, Sarah. I'm sorry I couldn't call you earlier. I had to go away for a while. But I'm back now and I'm ready to help you defeat the zombies. You escape the time vortex and look around. You have been sent into the past... the year is 1845. You quickly realize that you have ended up in the middle of a war between the North and South. You spot a Union soldier named Jack who has just finished fighting. He notices you and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" You look down and see the that your foot is stuck in a bucket and that your skin looks mighty diseased and is starting to rot off your body. You tell Jack, "Nothing." He looks at you and says, "Bullshit. What the fuck did you do to get so fucked up?" You tell him, "I was bitten by a zombie." Jack asks, "Are you fucking kidding me? Jack tells you that his parents were zombies! Jack tells you his grandmother knows the cure to zombism! Jack tells you that he will show you the way to the secret zombie hideout! Jack takes you to his house and shows you the ingredients needed to make a vaccine against zombism. You look at the ingredients list: 1) A bullet from a zombie's gun. 2) Some blood from a human victim. 3) An infected person's brain. 4) Salt from a graveyard. 5) A piece of cloth from a zombie's clothing. 6) And finally, a needle. You look at Jack and say, "How the hell am I supposed to make this?" Jack replies, "You can't. It's impossible." Jack Grandma enters and says, "Actually, I have all of the ingredients in my medicine cabinet!" You watch as Jack's Grandma makes the vaccine and shoots it into your arm. You begin to feel weird and immediately experience the following symptoms: • Your arms and legs start to rot off. • Your teeth fall out. • Your eyes turn red and your vision becomes blurry. • You become unable to speak. • You gain superhuman strength and agility. • You smell like rotting flesh. • You lose all sense of touch. • You have uncontrollable urges to eat people. • You grow an extra pair of arms and legs. You are beginning to think that just becoming a zombie might have been the better option. You write on a piece of paper and ask Jack's Grandma if there is a cure to this horrific after effects from the vaccine. Jack's Grandma tells you, "Yes. But it's only effective if you find a zombie and suck their brains out." You laugh and say, "Yeah right." She laughs and says, "No, really. You head outside at night are prepare to hunt for a zombie. It's 1845 though, so there hasn't been an outbreak, yet. This is going to take some skill to find a zombie. You head to the once place that is guaranteed to have a zombie nearby: the local saloon. You walk inside and are greeted by a huge man wearing a cowboy hat. He greets you with, "Welcome to the Lucky Seven Saloon. Howdy pardner!" Your vision isn't too good and you mistake the large man for a zombie and begin to nibble on his head. "Hey, stop that! Don't eat me!" The man yells. You apologize and say, "Sorry." The man says, "My name is Frank. What's yours?" You tell him, "I'm Greg, and I'm looking for a... zombie... brain" Frank says, "Oh, you mean Doc. He's down in the basement. Follow me." You follow Frank downstairs and he stops before a door. He knocks three times and then opens the door. Doc tell you that he has a Zombie brain that you can eat to heal yourself, but first you have to do something for Doc. You ask, "What is it? I'll do anything to get back to normal!" Doc tells you, "I need a favor." You say, "Anything." Doc asks, "Can you go out into the street and see if any zombies are coming?" You nod and leave the room. You return and notice that Doc has transformed and is wearing women's lingerie. You hear the Doc singing, "In just 7 days, I can make you a man!" You laugh and say, "Haha, I don't think so." Doc turns around and says, "What?" You say, "It's just funny because you're dressed like a woman now." Doc tells you to put on this gold speedo and oil yourself up. You agree, but fail to see how this will cure you. You stand in front of a mirror and slowly start to rub oil on your body. You then grab a hold of the speedo and pull it over your head. You are stunned when you look in the mirror! You have become a woman! You are still horny, so you drop the speedo and take off your clothes. You are shocked to see that your cock is now a nice size D. Doc tells you to get in the tank and you will be cured. You start to climb the ladder into the tank, but are interrupted by the sound of a motorcycle. You look and see a man with a head wound fly out of the freezer riding an awesome motorcycle and singing: I've got a head full of dynamite, So I blow my brains out every night. And I'll ride my Harley till the end, Cause I know my head's gonna explode. The Doc screams and chases the motorcycle man around the room and eventually kills him with a hatchet. You hop down and see Ben Frankenstein appear behind you. You turn around and see that the Doc is no longer wearing lingerie and is now wearing a white lab coat. Ben tells you that you have to give him a brain to save your life. You agree. He grabs you by the hair and pulls your face close to his. He whispers in your ear, "I am going to fuck you until you beg me to stop!" You try to resist, but he is much stronger than you. Doc stops Ben and tosses him into a vat of acid. You scream as Doc begins to fuck you hard and fast. You are soon screaming for mercy. Doc finally releases your cock and you cum on his stomach. Doc says, "Now we have to wait three days for the cure to take effect." You wait 3 days and on the 3rd day , you wake up to find that you have returned to normal. You thank Doc and leave the Lucky Seven Saloon. * * * Tiffany: Greg, you are so lucky!