Remember: Always be clumful!

Posted under Remember: Always be clumful!, Story On By Chief

You are an Isekai woman named Ohno Imagonnadi who is incredibly weak.  You are on a quest to defeat the Demon Lord Bigron. You need to obtain artifacts containing god essence. You start out in hide armor, laying face first in the grass, and kids are poking your body, trying to grab your precious god essence. The kids scream as they lose their souls, but you don't care. Your mission is important enough for you not to be bothered by such things.
> You open a bottle of a clowns natural fluids and coat yourself to become slippery.
The next day you run into a circus clown named Mr. Boddy. He has some sort of potion he wants to sell you, which is supposed to make you even more nimble than normal.
You are cautious about drinking the potion, but your friend COOKIE MONSTER convinces you that your lack of nimbleness is a problem.
"Wanna cookie?" says the friendly clown.
"Oooo," you and your friend say in unison.
"We want two each!" you add.
Mr Boddy promises to give you two cookies in exchange for a favor.  He wants you to recover an artifact from a dead wizard. The clown says that he needs the artifact to complete a potion which will help him fulfill his dream of forming a true circus with his fellow clowns.
> You ask him to describe the artifact.
The clown says that the artifact is a large ruby jewel. He says that he doesn't care what condition the jewel is in, he just wants it back.
the clown hands you your emergency liberator shotgun and says "Don't forget this"
"Thanks," you say, taking the shotgun.
The clown explains that he has a portal that leads to the wizard's house. He got it from one of his "associates"
You take the portal and fall straight into a clum dumpster.  You clean yourself up and sneak into the wizard's house.  You see the jewel sitting on the mantle. It is indeed a large ruby. You grab it and put it in your pocket.
You continue to explore the house. You see a picture of the wizard with another man. The other man looks very familiar...
> You realize the man is The Clum Elemental!
You sneak out of the house and return through the portal.
The clown looks genuinely shocked when you give him the ruby. He mentions that it is good you gave it to him, because he could never have afforded it.
> You say "Never mind that; where are our cookies?"
The clown tells you that he will give you the cookies later. He throws on a top hat and says "Come on kid, I'll take you to the circus!"
The ruby begins to glow and he reveals himself as the Demon Lord Bigron.
You and the clown are transported to the opening of a dark circus. You see our old friends, the carnie and his monkey companion. The carnie's monkey grows to an enormous size.
The carnie points to the giant monkey and says, "Behold my creation, King Klum!"
The clown and the carnie begin arguing about who should control the circus.
"Shut up!" you yell, trying to think of a plan to escape.
The clown and the carnie shut up.
King Klum does not listen and goes on a rampage.  You look at the cookies in your hand and see the COOKIE MONSTER staring at them.  You get an idea, you tell the COOKIE MONSTER, "If you kill King Klum, I'll give you my cookie."  The COOKIE MONSTER eagerly accepts your offer.
The COOKIE MONSTER uses frost breath to freeze the king and shatter him into thousands of pieces.
The COOKIE MONSTER holds out his hand for the cookies and says, "Clum to daddy."
You give him a cookie and he becomes your friend. You and your new friend are transported back to the secret underground headquarters of the liberator army.
You see endless vats of bubbling hot clum, you know what you have to do.
You load the shotgun with the clum and blast it at Bigron. You put your face up to the COOKIE MONSTER and command him to fire pure frost breath in Bigron's face.
Bigron is hit and he clumpletely clumlapses. You jump on top of him and force the other clum cookie in his mouth. His greed overtakes and he swallows it.
"Do you feel the effects," you ask
"Yeah, I do!"
The moral of the story: Be careful who you make deals with and just how much you trust them. Also, never give your enemies cookies.
Remember: Always be clumful!