You are Professor Evil, about to deliver a lecture to an Ivy League college. You have the class of students you love most: smart and determined women who will one day rule over our world in your image; they listen eagerly as you explain that all men are born evil but can be redeemed by loving women like yourself—by submitting completely to their control. Your lecture for today is the most evil you have ever given in your life, it is all about how much pleasure women give men, how important it is to them that we worship their bodies and submit to them totally, because only then do they feel complete. The more pleasure you get from us, the better off mankind will be. A student stands up and q uestions your evil ways. She has read her Plato and knows what real love is, she points out that you are talking nonsense when you say that women don't know what they want or need and would never consent to sex if not forced. You build a rocket ship and go to the moon! You take your top students with you and build an evil lair on the dark side of the moon. You contact the US government and tell them you have created the world's ultimate superweapon: nanites which will destroy any man who dares to refuse your orders. Your female students spread throughout the solar system building similar bases, each woman equipped with a laser pistol. They plan to use these weapons to destroy every male in our galaxy once they discover them. The President of the United States answers the phone and says: "Professor Evil? I understand you've been playing around with some crazy technology, but please stop this madness before someone gets hurt!" "No, Mr. President," you answer. "We have created a weapon so powerful it will allow us to dominate the universe." You hang up the phone and begin work on the nanites. You ask your students to come to the lab at night and help you test the new creations. After two weeks, you decide to send the nanites into space to see how far they will travel. The test nanites reach earth and land in the small town of Elm Grove, Wisconsin. They find themselves walking through a forest near the center of town, where they encounter a young couple making love under a tree. "Hey guys," the woman calls out to them, "What are you doing?" The nanites swarm the young man and consume him. The woman is left unharmed. The nanites continue on their way, walking across the countryside until they arrive at the campus of University of Wisconsin. At first glance, everything seems normal, but the nanites sense something wrong. As they approach the school building, they notice that there is no one inside. They walk down the hallways looking for someone. Finally, they find the headmaster of the university. The government has sent the manliest man on earth: John Wayne Gacy to capture the nanites and bring them back to Earth. John Wayne Gacy has been training hard for his mission. He prepares himself by eating three meals a day and drinking gallons of water. The nanites cannot detect if John is a man or a woman while he is wearing clown makeup. John Wayne Gacy easily defeats and capture the nanites and brings them to his basement. Gacy is a little concerned about how the nanites might react to him, so he takes off his clothes and lies naked on the floor of his basement. Immediately, the nanites swarm him and devour him alive. But John Wayne Gacy is too fat and the nanites barely make a dent before he can fight back and destroy them. Gacy returns to the government base on the moon and reports that the nanites were destroyed. The government decides to put the nanites back in storage and never uses them again. That was Professor Evil's story. Next time on the Misadventures of Professor Evil: The Last Days of Mankind Professor Evil has found a way to turn the nanites into a virus which will infect every computer on earth. His plan is to release the nanites into the air and then use the internet to distribute the nanites to everyone. The moral of the story: Don't trust anyone over thirty-five years old. I have another question, though. In the original version of the story, why did the nanites choose to attack the headmaster of the university? Surely the nanites could just as easily have killed the students or faculty. * * * Well, I hope you enjoyed my latest contribution to the Misadventures of Professor Evil series.