Philip Hug-a-bee, a bank guard with a passion for bee husbandry

Posted under Episode 94, Story On By Chief

The bank has recently received a large shipment of gold, which needs to be protected. You say you have a great plan. You take the gold outside and tie it to a hang-glider. Your great idea turns out to be a dumb idea, because the wind starts rising, which makes the hang-glider, along with the gold, fly away.

What do you do?

You summon your army of bees to carry you in pursuit of the hang-glider. You fly to a remote mountain, where the hang-glider has crashed into the trees.

You find that there is nothing but a dead hang-glider and some broken branches. You think about what to do next.

You see a wolf with a gold bar in it's mouth run away into a cave.

You think that this might be a good opportunity to go after him. But then you remember that you have no weapons and he will probably catch up to you soon. He may even kill you before you can escape. So what should you do?

You Call the wolf of wall street. You tell him to come to the mountain and talk to the wolf for you.

"Wolf! Wolf! Where are you?"

The wolf comes running, your friend is truly the wolf whisperer. But the gold is missing from it's mouth.

"Wolf!" you call again, but still no answer. Suddenly, a huge beast appears on top of the mountain. It looks like a giant spider, but much bigger. It grabs you by the neck and begins biting your throat. "Wolf! Wolf! What happened here?" "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened, it was all dark".

The wolf saves you from the spider. The wolf of wall street says you are now infected with spider venom and will turn into a half-spider, half-man -- but not a spiderman, because that would be a copyright violation.

He tells you that you need to get back to his castle quickly and you mustn't eat anything except honey. Then he asks you if you want to become a hero.

You order the bees to fly you and the wolf of wall street back to his pretentious castle. The wolf runs there, because he hates bees.

> You go to the bank It takes several days to reach the bank. You climb down the mountain and walk through the forest for many miles. Finally, you arrive at the bank. There is an old man standing near the entrance. He notices you and smiles. He is very kind, but you are too scared to approach him.

It's actually Winston Wolfe from Pulp Fiction. He approaches you and says...

"Hello, Mr. Smith". "Pleasure to meet you sir". "So how did you get in here?" "Oh, I just walked right in". "Well, that's quite a feat, considering that you're covered in spiders and they've been known to crawl inside houses".

You Confess your problems to the Wolfe and ask him to fix them.

"How did you know my name?", you ask. "Because I am a vampire", he replies. "And I'm here to help you?". "Yes, yes, I know, I'll trust you". "Great, now let me get straight to business. How did you get bitten by the vampire hunter, werewolf or whatever the hell it was?"

You Tell him about the hang glider and how the wolves stole your gold.

"Ah, so that's what happened. Now I understand why you were looking for me". "Okay, well, I guess we'll start getting over here". You walk to the bank with the wolf. After a couple hours, you finally reach the bank. You enter the building. Inside, there are two men sitting at a table.

It's Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield. They are dressed in beach clothes and ask where this giant mountain spider lives.

You explain everything to them. The bank manager explains that he knows nothing about such creatures. "We don't deal with vampires", he says. "That's for the police". "Why doesn't the bank care?", you ask. "Because they're vampires and the police deals with vampires. We don't need to worry about them".

You use you bees to fly Vincent and Jules to the mountain to face off against the spider.

After a few minutes, the spider shows up. The spider is really big. It looks more like a dragon than a spider. The spider bites the bank manager. A bunch of blood splatters on the walls. Suddenly, the wolf appears. He shoots a burst of silver bullets at the spider. The silver bullets hit the spider, but the creature regenerates.

You see the spider is holding a copy of "Charlotte's Web" with one of his legs. You threaten to spoil the ending. This cause the spider to plug his ears. Now is your chance to attack!

> You shoot a bullet at the monster's head You take out your revolver and fire a bullet at the monster's head. You blow out the spider's brains. Suddenly, the wolf rushes towards the bank manager. He knocks him to the ground. He gets closer to the bank manager. The bank manager screams for mercy.

You say "Why do you care?", the bank manager screams. You tell him, "The police deals with that. We don't need to worry about you".

> You shoot the bank manager! You shoot the bank manager in the stomach. His body falls onto the floor. The bank manager tries to crawl away from the scene of the crime. Meanwhile, the wolf has gotten closer to the bank manager. The wolf leaps upon the bank manager. The bank manager attempts to pull the gun from his hand. Suddenly, the wolf stops moving.

You realize the bank manager and the wolf have killed one another. Before you have time to process this, another wolf appears and tells you to follow him into the mountain.

You follow the wolf into the mountain. The wolf leads you deeper and deeper into the mountainside. Eventually, you find yourself in a cave. In the middle of the cave is a large, black rock. The wolf points to the rock. "This is the home of the Spider King", he says. "I can show you where he keeps his treasure".

You As you walk farther into the cave, you realize there are wolves everywhere. There are four old wolves in front of the rock, three males and a female. "Welcome to Wolf Tank," one of them tells you. "Pitch us on why we should give you your gold back.".

You explain your situation. One of the wolves goes to talk to the bank manager. The other two go back to their cave. You sit down next to the rock. The bank manager starts talking to you. He seems nice, but you are still not sure if he will be able to help you. "So, you want to sell your gold back to the bank?"

You say "yes"

He goes back to his cave to check. When he comes back, he asks you a question. "Do you think you could survive in the wild without food or water?" You reply "no". "Then you would probably die in the cave. But you might live in the wild. Do you have any idea on how you'd survive in the wild?"

You say "I would kill and eat the nearest person. Like a bank manager, for example."

He laughs. "Good, good. Then you'd probably survive in the wild too. Good luck". "What's your name? Why did you come here?" "My name is Walter. My friend called me here because he wants to make money. What's yours?" "I am Mr. White".

The wolves return. "Here's our offer," they say. "We'll give your gold back in return for a 20 percent share for the first year, then 5 percent after that."

They leave. You know you won't get all of it. You look at the gold coins. You count them. There are 12 gold coins. You count them again. There are 9 gold coins. You count them once more. There are 8 gold coins. You count them once more. There are 7 gold coins.

You realize you are illiterate and an idiot. You hire the bank manager to manage your gold.

> You agree to sell the Gold You decide to sell the gold to the bank. "Okay", you say. "I'm selling my gold to the bank". The bank manager nods. "Well, I guess you are going to have to pay me some money now"., he says. "No, I don't have enough money to pay you".

The bank manager grows furious. He sprouts six additional legs and make whatever sound an angry spider would make. He is the spider king, reborn!

He grabs you by the collar and throws you against the wall. "Get up!" he yells. You stand up slowly. "Now what do you want from me?" You continue to stare at him. He growls. "You're lying!", he snarls. "I'm telling the truth!". He walks over to you and punches you in the face.

You tie a hang glider to him and watch an updraft carry him out of the cave and then crash back into the mountain breaking all of his legs.

The bank manager looks at you and smiles. "Thanks for helping me", he says. "I hope you learned something today".

The crash has broken open the bank manager's exoskeleton. He sheds his old shell and emerges bigger than before. You scream and stand on a chair, but he skitters down the mountain and turns his gaze upon you.

He bites your neck.

Jules and Vincent emerge from the cave with golden guns and unload their clips into the Bank Manager.

You say "What are you doing here?" the bank manager roars. "Say what again, motherfucker!" Jules screams.

"What are you doing here?!?" "Oh yes, I was just passing through. I heard about your misfortune and decided to lend a hand"., the bank manager says. "Don't worry, you'll see your fortune soon enough. It always does". Suddenly, the bank manager feels a sharp pain in his chest. He collapses onto the ground dead.

Thousands of baby spiders the size of pandas that look exactly like the bank manager erupt from the bank managers corpse. They are all carrying gold bars.

Vincent and Jules run away screaming. "It's the spiders", you say. "Yes, it is", the bank manager's widow says. She takes her son Vincent by the arm and runs inside the cave. Meanwhile, the spiders crawl off and hide under rocks, stones and trees.

You run after the widow and touch her arm. You say you are here for her if she needs to talk or whatever.

She gives you a smile and tells you to follow her. You follow her into her house. Inside, there is a little girl who looks about ten years old. She is dressed in a pink dress and holds a parasol. She waves you goodbye and disappears upstairs. She leads you downstairs where there is a table covered with jars filled with red liquid.

You realize she is a vamspider, half-vampire, half-spider. You are kind of into it.

The vampiric vampire woman explains that she is the wife of the bank manager. "But why didn't you tell me this sooner?", you ask. "Because," she replies, "the bank manager had a habit of stealing things from other people and never paying us back".

You hold a gun to the widow's head and inform her the bullets inside are made of wood. You order her to summon the panda spiders back with the gold, or you will do what you have to do.

Meanwhile, Vincent and Jules are trying to escape. "Hey, we've got the gold!", Vincent shouts. "Let's go!" You grab Vincent and drag him outside. "Come on, let's go!", you shout. You run ahead while Vincent follows behind. You hear a gunshot and see Vincent fall on the ground.

You turn and see the widow holding your gun, which you dropped. She shot her own son. Shit is getting real. You scream for Jules to take cover.

Suddenly, the Widow shoots Jules. Blood splatters on the walls. "I can't believe you did that", she exclaims. "We were friends". Then, she notices you. Her eyes widen as she realizes that you are the one responsible for killing her husband. She begins to cry. "Please, spare me", she cries.

You pull a can of Raid bug spray out of your cargo pants pocket and hold it behind your back. "There, there," you say to her comfortingly, as you walk toward her. She moves to bite your head off, but you spray her with the Raid first.

The Widow falls backwards and crawls on the ground.

You hear a sound from the sky and you and widow look up. It is a giant wooden shoe. It lands on the widow, smashing her to bits. A head pops out of the shoe. It is Mr. Wolfe. "A wolf is always on the hunt," he tells you.

"Now, you too".

You cower thinking that he is going to kill you, but he doesn't. Mr Wolfe drops a duffle bag in front of you. You open it and it's all your gold!

"Here you go," Mr. Wolfe says. "Enjoy".

You and Mr. Wolf drive the giant wooden shoe to a junkyard, where they will destroy the evidence. You are free. "Mr. Wolfe, it's been a real honor. Thank you," you tell him.

"Well, now what are you going to do? Go to jail for robbing a bank?"

You both laugh and go home.

> You decide to stay alive Your life has changed forever. You feel like you are still dreaming. The world around you seems unreal. But then, something catches your eye... On a balcony, above the streetlights, sits an enormous spider. It is so huge that its legs are touching the roof.

You say "Here we go again!" and web sling towards the giant spider. Fade to black.