NYE Story #9

Posted under NYE Story #9, Story On By Chief

You're in a barren wasteland, and there's nothing but landfills and toxic waste. Luckily, you have an organic burrito to eat for the night, but the Reunion are coming after you. You need to get out of here as soon as possible.
> You go digging through a landfill looking for parts to make a bicycle.
The first thing you do is run back to your car and grab some food from the convenience store. Then you start searching through the garbage dumpster for parts that might be useful.
> You find some old bike tires when you a voice behind you.
"Looking for a fix?"
It's the bum, standing right behind you. He looks like he just woke up, and his eyes are bloodshot.
> You say "How did you become a bum?"
"A lot of people ask me that," he says, scratching his scraggly beard.
The bum hands you a Desert Eagle for your pocket lint which he proceeds to eat. You keep digging through the trash when you find an old, beat up Mountain Bike.
"Hey, it's a Mountain Bike!" you say.
"It sure is kid," the bum says.
> You begin to ride your mountain bike over the trash dunes.
You ride your mountain bike over the trash dunes looking for your house which you find.
> You see your house has been burned down by the Reunion.
The burning wreckage of your house sits in the distance, but you have no other place to go. You get off your mountain bike and walk towards it.
> You see a couple Reunion members outside your house. you cock your desert eagle.
You approach your house, and see the last two members of the Reunion looking around your house. They're obviously looking for you, no doubt to finish the job.
> You take aim at the Reunion members with your Desert Eagle.
You take aim at the two men. One is kneeling and looking under your porch while the other is standing behind him, looking around for danger.
> You shoot one man in the head blowing brains all over the front porch.
KABOOM! You shoot one man in the head, and he falls instantly. The other man turns around to see you standing there with a gun pointed at him. He looks terrified.
> You shoot him in the balls and say, "See you at the next reunion."
You shoot him in the balls, and he falls to the ground and curls into the fetal position. You laugh and spit on him. "See you at the next reunion," you say.
You feel a sudden wave of nausea and pain. You begin to fall to the ground, but before you do you hear the sound of a gun going off behind you.
you turn to see that you've narrowly dodged a shot from an unseen assassin.
You point your gun at the man, and he raises his hands. You don't stop to think, you just pull the trigger. You shoot the man in the heart, and he falls to the ground.
You hear a car screech away from the scene.
> You walk up to the dead assassin and pull of his mask to find.
It's Don Papalardo, the leader of the Unione Corse and an all around dangerous man. You recognize him immediately. He also happens to be your father's best friend.
You realize that your father sent the assassin. This hits you like a ton of bricks. You always thought your father loved you, he was happy for you when you became a cop and supported you the whole time.
you see a large flatbed truck arrive with a single wall on it. you know what's about to happen before it does, but it shocks you all the same. "OH YEAH!" yell's the Kool-Aid man as he bursts through the wall. You find yourself ducking even though you know the Kool-Aid man is 3 feet away from you.
You attempt to sweep the Kool Aid Man's legs. He might be made of paper mache but you don't want to take any chances. You hear the satisfying sound of his body making contact with the ground.
"That wasn't very nice,"
The Kool-Aid man releases a torrent of aid on you. a small amount splashes on your arm and burns severely. You run for the front door, but the flood of Kool-Aid follows you. You slam the door shut and lock it, only seconds before the Kool-Aid man begins to soak his way through the door.
You run into the basement and find your secret weapon that will defeat the Kool-Aid man.
"I've got more flavors than Kool-Aid,"
You pull the trigger on the brand new 1983 Thompson seedless grape Super soaker.
You pump the Kool Aid Man full of seedless grapes - HIS ONE WEAKNESS: ACTUAL FRUIT JUICE! The Kool-Aid man explodes in a wave of purple goo.
You send a threatening text to your father that says "There will be no Kool-Aid at the reunion."
You drive to the reunion in a vegetable state of mind
You arrive at the reunion and park your car. You head inside to find out who will be playing this year.
You look at the marquee and see who is playing:
"This is the best reunion ever," you think to yourself. You then realize your man-breasts are swollen and begin lactating.
The moral of the story: You should have worn a bra
You survived your high school reunion. If you chose incorrectly, well then that's sad, but at least you tried.