you are Cory, a new teacher at a highly prestigious Private school called AIPD academy, your fellow teachers Jim and Tony are talking gossip about the kids on their class. just then Principal Jason walks in and shouts " what are you doing?!?! you should be preparing for class". Jim says " it's still lunch break, we have 5 minutes left". Principal Jason tells everyone to go back to their classrooms. He then goes over to Jim who is sitting at his desk with a big grin on his face. Jim says "Eat my shorts" as he points to the pair of shorts that are hanging off the end of his chair. The principal looks at Jim and asks "what are you doing? Jim explains that he is airing out his balls. The principal says that Jim should just go to the bathroom like a normal person. Jim replies "but I'm not normal, I have tiny balls" You stare at Jim and he catches your glare. You quickly away and go back to your hoagie. He whispers to you "don't worry, I'll save you some bread" you smile and exit the room. After school you meet up with your friends. You tell your friends you like your new job, but you really hate your boss. Jim's boss is a real bitch. He works at a grocery store and he is forced to wear an annoying belt that won't stop beeping. The rest of the week goes by quickly. You're in the bathroom at work when Jim enters to use the urinal. He says to you... "Hey, I saved you some breadsticks for lunch." "The coffee at work tastes like shit!" Jim lights up a joint and offers you a toke... "Hell yeah, pass that over here." "No, I don't do that anymore." You see a bulge in his pants and he tells you... "Hey, check this out." you get really close to see what he has to show you. "Are you getting a boner?!" You are shocked to see what he did. You get home, and find your Dad waiting for you on the couch. He says... "Son, I heard you got a job at that new pizza place. You know I don't like you working there." "Oh, Dad. I'm legal now, just let me enjoy it. > You tell your Dad about seeing Jim's boner. You laugh and feel a little awkward. You start to explain the story to your dad, but he just doesn't get it. You know he likes Jim, but he just doesn't think he's right for you. Your Dad's new partner, The Sex Lizard, overhears your conversation and says, "I think that may have been the point." You don't really know what to say and are about to laugh nervously when your Dad says, "That's enough. you say "Go eat some flies you cold-blooded whore" at the Sex Lizard. The Sex Lizard gets angry and walks away. Your Dad says you need to learn some manners. > You storm out of the house, but first you take the lightbulb out of Sex Lizard's heat lamp. You walk outside and see a pizza delivery car coming down the street. You decide to flag him down and hopefully get a job with better working conditions. You flag him down and see Jim driving the pizza delivery car. He hands you some breadsticks. "Here's your breadsticks." You get a strange feeling and throw the breadsticks in the nearby bushes before the police come. You look at Jim and say "What the fuck is this shit man?" Jim tells you the breadsticks were filled with cocaine and he already has two strikes; he begs you to hide them. You hide them in the one place you know the police won't look: your butt. "Hurry up, they'll get soft if they sit in there for too long." You can barely walk straight and think "I'm really gonna pay for this later." The police show up and immediately search your butt. They find the cocaine and you are taken away in a squad car. The next day, you are charged with drug possession and placed under arrest. Principal Jason visits you in jail and tells you he is disappointed you squandered your second chance. He says he will do the best he can to get you out of jail, but it may take awhile. You spend the next year in jail. You use your one phone call to Jim and ask, "Come pick me up." as you are released from jail. He drives up in a car you don't recognize. "What's this?" "Your bail, courtesy of Grandma Mavis." He says it's a hand-me-down from his Mom. Jim says "I'm gotta make a stop" and drives into the bad part of town. He gets out of the car and goes into a shady looking building. He comes out a few minutes later and drives you to his place, where he says you can stay for awhile. Someone knocks on the door and you open it to see who it is. It's the pizza delivery girl. She says, "I have a pizza for..." and sees you, then says "...um...nevermind." "What is it? It's for me." says Jim. "Oh, I have a pizza for J. Sempowski at this address." "That'd be me." "I can see that." The girl passionately kisses Jim and then leaves. "Who was that?" "Just an old friend." A few months later, you find out she was actually Jim's girlfriend. Jim forces you into a life of butt-smuggling. You're not just good, you're one of the best. People know to go to you for high-quality cocaine that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. You start working at the private school again part time. You use a portion of your money to get them a new fossil for the museum. You find out the fossil was actually very rare and worth a butt load of money. The school building a new wing and names it after you: the Sempowski Wing. Your Dad and Grandma Mavis die of old age. You give the eulogy for both of them. Your Mom lives to be 100, but eventually dies of natural causes. Jim approaches you at your mother's funeral and asks you for a favor. "I need you to smuggle something very important for me." "What is it?" He takes out an old photograph and shows it to you. "It's the last photograph of Pablo Escobar with his sister." "Why do you have it?" "My family took under the table as a favor to a friend." You agree and shove the picture somewhere safe. You catch a bus to Mexico. You and Jim meet with a group of peasants in a small village. They paid $10,000 for the picture. The peasants thank you and ask if there is anything they can do for you in return. > You say "Give me as much cocaine as my butt can hold." The peasants bring out a block of baking soda and a bottle of water and start mixing them together as if they were going to make cake for a kid's birthday party. The peasants cut the mixture with pure cocaine and pour it all into you butt. They say, "phew" when they're done. You sit on the bus in agony with a cocaine-inflated butt. A police officer comes up to you and taps you on the shoulder. The cop asks you for a stick of gum as you sweat nervously and yell at the voices in your head to shut up. You arrive back in town with the world's most incredible case of diarrhea and a pocket full of money. you find the nearest garbage can and unload your horrid stream of waste and baggies of coke. You put all the baggies in a big plastic bag and go back to Jim's house. Jim is kissing his girlfriend on the couch when put the stinky plastic bag on the table. "I'm done, Jim." He looks in the bag and says, "You're the best." He pays you $200 for your troubles. You use your $200 for a modest welcome home party that you throw for yourself. You become known as the first person to smuggle a butt load of cocaine out of South America. The moral of the story: You're the man.