NYE Story #7

Posted under NYE Story #7, Story On By Chief

You are "three-finger" Tony, a self-taught hobby-pyrotechnician. 
It is New Year's Eve, and other people have already started their fireworks.
The sky is alight and alive with the rockets bursting into multi-colored rain and sparkles. It is adorned by the beautiful flowers drawn by the exploding fireworks.

This is the time. The world shall watch in awe!
You roll out your newest creation of home-build pyrotechnics in a wheelbarrow, and light the fuse. You then set it off. A bright flash envelops the entire night sky, and all that can hear its sound are those who live within your range of hearing.
> You hear screaming as people yell they've gone blind.
A loud scream echoes through the streets, and you turn around to see what caused this.

There stands a woman with her face covered in blood from an eye being torn apart by a large knife.
You know the woman: it is Ellen DeGeneres, who has just gatecrashed your house without an Invitation. You say "Fuck" in your mind. The celebrity screams even louder and turns around to face you. The knife is still stuck in her eye.
Ellen screams, "Is this enough for people to forgive me now?"
She pulls out the knife, blood spurting from the eye.
You scramble for the fire alarm to call the firemen and then...
... you feel the sudden pain in your chest, and then, darkness.
> You wake up to a fireman giving you mouth to mouth.
"It's a good thing your smoke alarm is very sensitive.
> You say "Not as sensitive as your tongue."
"What's the last thing you remember?"
"A celebrity gatecrashing my house without an invitation."
The fireman shakes her head in disappointment.
You turn on the TV and see Ellen is doing NYE show with Ryan Seacrest.  Ellen turns to the camera, as if only speaking to you, and vows to finish the job of killing you.
"The sonofabitch didn't learn, so it's my job to finish the job on him," the celebrity says.
A victim of celebrity violence, you die in January 2017.
Before your death you construct the worlds largest firework to be set off at your funeral, in the hope it will distract the devil and allow you into heaven.
It works and St Peter stands in amazement of your fantastic firework.
"I'm letting you into heaven, but be careful up there, there's a heatwave on."
The moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.
You have been killed by Ellen DeGeneres, this is why you should not meet your heroes.