NYE Story #3

Posted under NYE Story #3, Story On By Chief

You are a disciplined monk visiting NYC. No matter what happens, you must decide between two reactions. Give a shit, or take a shit. 

"I'm not going to do that," you say. "It's just too much."

"That's the spirit!" she says. "Let me show you how it should be done."
> You beg her to show you the ways of shit giving.
You beg her to teach you and she agrees. She shows you how to give a shit like this, but only if it is for someone who deserves it.
> You she gives you a warm turn and says you must visit the Empire State Building and give the shit to the homeless man at its peak while it stay warm.
You take her warm shit to the top of the Empire State Building and find the bum, but he is a sitting duck. You give him a look of disgust and toss him the shit.
You surprise the bum who turns around and gets hit straight in the face with the shit.  The bum stumbles backwards and falls off the top of the Empire State Building. As you watch him fall, you realize you now have to be the new bum of New York City.
The end.
> You say "Shit."
The bum gets up and says, "Now that was some good shit. Thank you." He then points to a black man sitting next to him who looks startled by the sudden appearance of the first bum.
> You start your day as the new bum of New York and are visited by a man with a warm poop. You begin to give him your hobo wisdom when he begins to wind up a pitch.
The man takes out a bottle and says, "This here is the elixir of life. I can only show you, but you may not take a sip."
"Thank you for showing me,"
> You take your first prophetic shit off the Empire State Building. The people crowd around to read its wisdom.
You take your shit and fling it off the Empire State Building. It falls down to the streets below and lands in front of some random person walking along the sidewalk.
The shit splatters onto the sidewalk and forms a note that reads: "Son, your wife is a whore."
The random person looks up in shock and says, "How did you know my wife is a whore?"
you drop another shit next to the man and it says "I see all"
The man looks up to the sky and says "This person knows all."
You drop another shit, it reads "Everything."
The man looks around and says, "Where are you?"
you eat a large meal of White Castle and prepare to predict the future of the entire city with your next shit. Your guts grumble and groan as the hot sludge flies through your colon. A torrent of waste  pours from the top of the building and the message splattered on the street says: "Everyone's favorite movie is Coming to America."
Your reputation in this city grows from this point forward. Everything you shit predicts the future and you become a famous prophet.
Tony, whose world has just been turned upside down, becomes your devout servant. He brings you food and gold. He begs you to tell his future. You oblige and predict that he will soon meet a red-head girl. Your reputation spreads and people from every nation come to your tiny village.
you know your anus can only handle so many prophecies and you will need to train Tony as a new Shitsayer. His training is intense, Oatmeal and sugar-free gummy bears every day to create the most potent putty.
You become decrepit, your back hunched over and skin wrinkled from years of eating nutrient poor food. One day the great Shitsayer dies.
On your death bed, you reach over and pull Tony close and ask him to make his first poop prophecy.  Tony launches a shit from the top of the Empire State Building and the message reads: There is nothing of worth in this world.
Tony goes on to shit in the street, spraying messages of doom on bathroom walls and subways. He becomes famous and rich, even writing a bestselling book.
The End
You have reached the "Shit-sayer ending."
Thanks for playing!
The moral of the story: Some apartment rats can live long and prosperous lives.
Some can even become great leaders of men.
The end.