Normand Bermshire, a hardened cop in need of a vacation

Posted under Episode 97, Story On By Chief

Your friend warns you that this is a bad idea. You ask why. Suddenly, the volcano starts erupting. Your friend says it's time to go. A shaggy-looking old man says, "Don't worry. The lava tastes like mayonnaise." Your friend rolls her eyes, but you think the old man might be right.

> You continue... You walk through the forest toward your house. It's only about half an hour before you reach it. When you arrive, you see a large wooden door with a padlock on it. You look around and see no one in sight. As you approach the door, you hear the sound of a small engine. Inside is a tiny car.

You get into your Nash Metro car. You back it out of the garage and begin to drive it around the island looking for people to save from the volcano.

The car soon comes across a couple who seem happy enough with their lives. They have two kids, they're both healthy, and they've been married for several years. There seems to be nothing wrong with them. Still, there is something odd about them.

You do a double take, it's Elon Musk and Grimes. You don't have enough room for everyone, but you have to pull over and help them.

"What happened?" You say. "We were driving along when we saw a bright light," Grimes explains. "A flash? What kind of light was it?" You ask. "It looked like a star, but much brighter". "Didn't anybody else see it?" "No, but we didn't stay long because our children started crying".

You Berate Elon Musk for having weak children.

Grimes explains that he took his family home, but then heard news of the eruption. He knew if he stayed any longer, he would be trapped with the rest of the dead. So he left his wife and kids behind, and drove off. He doesn't know where he is now, or what became of him.

You Explain to Grimes that the volcano gods are angry, and that one of her children must be thrown into the mayonaise-tasting lava to appease them. Ask Grimes to choose which child will be sacrificed.

She says she can't make such a choice; the gods want all three. Grimes chooses the boy. Elon Musk screams as the lava engulfs him. You watch as the car drives away from the island. You wonder if you should try to stop it, but then decide against it. Elon Musk dies screaming, and the car disappears into the clouds.

You Set up a stand where you sell lava rocks that contain burned-up bits of Elon Musk's children.

> You go home... You return to your home. You sit down at your computer and check your email. It's lunchtime, so you open up Twitter to see what's going on in the world. Nothing interesting. Then you notice a tweet by Elon Musk: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tweeted that... I just got excited and thought it was funny.

You remember your police training and make a car out of bamboo and reeds and chase after Grimes.

You run after her, but she escapes into a nearby cave. You follow her there, and find her hiding in a hole. She tells you that Elon Musk sent her a message saying he wanted her to sacrifice herself to appease the gods. She told you that she couldn't do it, and that she'd rather die than harm anyone.

Grimes tells you that her children were androids built by Elon Musk. She also tells you she doesn't bathe regularly, which is how she got her nickname.

You tell Grimes to kill herself. She asks if you really mean it. You tell her yes. Grimes takes out her cell phone and calls Elon Musk. Elon responds. Elon Musk: Hello? Grimes: Yes, Mr. Musk? Elon Musk: [Sigh] Grimes: Please, sir. I'll give myself to you. Elon Musk: No.

You realize the real Elon Musk is in space. Grimes shows you the location of a secret rocket, and you go to space to confront Elon Musk.

Elon Musk: Grimes! Grimes: Oh, Mr. Musk... Elon Musk: Grimes, please! Grimes: Why? Elon Musk: Because you've always loved me, and I love you. Grimes: But you wouldn't hurt me... Elon Musk: Well, maybe if I had a bigger penis... Elon Musk: I'm not doing anything!

You push Grimes into the lava.

Elon Musk: (crying) I'm sorry, Grimes. Elon Musk: Please, please, please let me live. Grimes: Elon, Grimes, please... Elon Musk: Please, Grimes, please... Grimes: Elon, please, please, please... Elon Musk: Please, Grimes, please... Elon Musk: I'm sorry, Grimes, I'm sorry...

Elon pulls Grimes from the lava.

You wake up in your bed. The sun is shining through the window, making you feel warm and comfortable. You quickly look around to make sure you aren't alone, and then you notice the note on your desk. Written in red pen is the name "Normand".

You Read the note.

Dear Normand, I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing because I think you need some advice. The last time we talked, you said you weren't interested in a relationship anymore. Since then, things have changed. My own feelings towards you have changed too. After all these years, I still haven't found someone worthy of my affections.

You read the return address on the letter to find out who wrote it.

You walk outside and see Elon Musk waiting for you. Elon Musk: Hey, Normand. Good to see you. What brings you here? You're not supposed to be back yet. You explain everything to Elon. Elon Musk: That's great, but I can help you more directly. I'm an expert on volcanoes.

You inspect to Elon's forehead to see if he bears the scars of a terrible childhood beating. The scars are there, proving he is not an android.

Elon Musk: Alright, alright, calm down. I don't want to hear any more about your past. Just tell me what you need. You ask him to show you the way out of the hotel room. Elon Musk: Okay, let's get started. The two of you exit the hotel room. Elon leads you through a series of rooms filled with ash, rubble and lava.

You ask Elon if he can swim in lava.

He says he can. Elon Musk: So, we're going to climb up to the top of the mountain? You're going to jump into lava? You start to climb the mountainside when Elon stops you. Elon Musk: This isn't safe, come on we need to get out of here. You turn around and begin climbing again.

You reach the rim of the volcano. You grab Elon by the shoulders and shake him. Tell him he has to do something to stop this volcano, dammit.

Elon Musk: Normand, come on! We have to save our planet! You say nothing as you continue to climb. Suddenly, you see a bright light in the distance. You gasp and fall off the side of the mountain. You land right beside the edge of the crater, where you wait patiently for the explosion to end.

You see Elon trapped in lava and arrest him.

You try to free him, but he won't budge. Elon Musk: It's okay, just hold on. Suddenly, a large boulder hits you in the head. You scream in pain and fall unconscious.

You feel a soft pair of lips pressed against yours and you regain consciousness.

A beautiful woman smiles at you. You smile back and kiss her passionately. Suddenly, you feel a sudden coldness press against your chest. You open your eyes and see yourself being turned into a statue. You scream and struggle, but you cannot break free. You watch helplessly as your life flashes before your eyes.

You see Elon standing outside you room and waving goodbye. You become a statue in front of the Elon Musk Commerative Active Volcano museum. Tourists question your shocked and angry expression and kids graffiti you with penises daily.

The End