No Sex in the City

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Rod Schaefer, a horror actor who's trapped in a snuff film about
 to be shot by the police. You're supposed to die on camera, but you manage to escape and flee into the woods where your girlfriend is waiting for you with an army of naked women. Your only problem now is that there's no way out except through this one narrow tunnel.

You see your girlfriend has prepared for this and lubes you up to be squeezed through the narrow tunnel to freedom.
 But when she does so...
Your body explodes!
The scream was barely audible over all the other sounds coming from inside my head as I stared at the monitor screen. My heart raced like it had just run a mile sprinting across a track field.

Your life flashes before your eyes:

* * *
Part 1 – The Tunnel
Your girlfriend Sara is screaming at you not to move. She doesn't know what happened yet, but you can tell something went wrong because her voice is getting more frantic and panicky.

You pick up a picture that shows Jason from AIPD stealing your wallet in order to pay off his gambling debt.
 He gave you back change, but he also stole your credit card number which is now being used to make purchases online.
Sara comes running into the room and grabs the computer mouse. You try to stop her, but she hits you with it instead.

Sara is too late to stop you.  All of the purchases have been made and already begun shipping.  Your packages arrive and you see that you have ordered the following items:

1) One (1) Enclosed Space Travel Kit.
2) One (1) Assorted Body Parts.
3) One (1) Assorted Dental Equipment.
4) One (1) Assorted Medical Supplies.

Sara asks you what you plan to do will of that stuff and you explain to her
 how you need to get home.
She tells you she has money saved up and if you give her some time to find a job then she'll help you get home.
But you know that once those things start arriving at your house they won't stop until they've delivered everything.

Sara tells you she knows of a way to get quick money, but it is pretty shady and not something you'd probably like to do.  Sara tells you that she knows a snuff film director and that he will take anyone that is willing to put themselves in danger.

You ask her why she would even agree to this and she explains that she needs money to pay off her debts.
You say that you don't want anything to do with this and that you don't care if you never see her again.

You think about it all night long and realize that it has come to this.  You have to do this for money, or else.  You call up Sara and agree to be in the film.  You say, "all these Items will surely help me win a Oscar. I haven't truly been successful until I win a Oscar"

You are given a script and told to read through it carefully.
Part 2 – The Tunnel
You sit down in front of the computer and begin reading the script.
It seems simple enough.

The script says:
 - DAY
We see Rod walking into the office area.
Rod sits down at his desk and starts to work on some paperwork.
He hears a knock at his door.
ROD: Come in!

Detective #1 walks in and introduces himself to Rod.
DETECTIVE #1: Hi, I'm Detective Richard Gage.
I'm here to talk to you about your missing friend, Jason Strickland.

You were supposed to meet him yesterday at 7PM.
ROD: Yes, we did.
DETECTIVE #1: Well, I'm afraid he didn't show up.

ROD: That's odd.
DETECTIVE #1: So, you two aren't friends?
ROD: No, we're not.
DETECTIVE #1: Why not?

ROD: We've never met.
DETECTIVE #1: Hmm... well, I guess that makes sense.
So, you wouldn't happen to know where he is, would you?

Jason Strickland bursts into the room and shoots Detective Richard Gage right in the balls.

ROD: Oh, shit!
Jason shoots the detective in the face and chest.
DETECTIVE #2: Whoa, whoa!
ROD: Shit, shit!

Jason uses CBT Tools on the second detective.

JASON: Hello, Rod.
ROD: What the fuck?!
JASON: I just wanted to say hello.
ROD: Jesus Christ, Jason.
JASON: It's okay.

Jason takes Rod to a underground fight club run by corrupt police officers.  Jason tells Rod that the only way he is walking out of here alive is if he kills someone in this room.

ROD: Wait, what?
JASON: I'm going to let you choose.  You can either kill one of these men, or you can go to jail.
ROD: Jail?

You scan the room looking for the weakest person there and see:

Detective #4.
ROD: Okay, so I have to kill one of these guys.
JASON: Good choice.
ROD: Which one should I kill?
JASON: Just pick any one.

You close your eyes and point: you are looking at the largest man in the room that looks very strong.  He notices you pointing at him and accepts your challenge.  You have to fight him one on one.

You look at each other and decide to start with a kick.
ROD: Okay, so I kick you in the nuts and then what?
JASON: Then I will shoot you.

Flashforward to the present.  So that's how you got in this situation.  Your head explodes, but somehow you survive.  Your girlfriend pulls you out of the narrow hole and presents you to the army of naked women.

They are all carrying guns and knives.  They tell you that they will kill you if you try to leave the tunnel.
You start talking with them and ask why they want to hurt you.

You ask them, "why are you doing this?"
All of the girls look at each other and say in unison:
ALL OF THE GIRLS: Because we can.
And that is why you are trapped in this hellish world with all these crazy naked women.

Next time on "No Sex in the City":

Sara goes back to her old life as a porn star and ends up being stalked by a stalker named Eric.
Thanks for reading!
"It's almost like I'm married."