Mork Torkelson, professional men’s softball pitcher

You are in the top of the first, nobody on base, when you get a call from Tito's Pizzeria on Woodward. They need your help immediately.

You quickly find yourself at the stadium and make your way to the clubhouse where you meet up with Tito who is waiting for you. He tells you that he has been trying to contact some people that have connections with the Detroit Tigers about a job they need done but so far none of them have responded.

You are so nervous to meet with the Detroit Tigers that you chow down on countless pizzas. By the time you are finished, you have gained 600 lbs.

Tito comes out to tell you that he just heard about the game from his friend Billy Ray Cyrus. You ask him what job he needs you to do. He says that there will be a big announcement at 7:30 PM. He also mentions that you should wear something flashy since it will probably be televised. You agree and go back to the clubhouse.

You wear your finest table cloth to the announcement.

When you arrive, you see a man wearing a black suit standing behind a podium. This is the mayor of Detroit, Coleman Young. He looks like an old guy because he has a cane in one hand and a walker in the other. He waves to everyone and then turns to you. "I am pleased to welcome you all here tonight to witness the unveiling of my newest project".

He pulls on a curtain, revealing an ice-cream stand. Billy Ray Cyrus is standing there holding up a milkshake. "Introducing the Achy-Breaky Milkshakee!" Billy Ray says. You waddle to the front of the line and suck down so many of them you gain 4,200 pounds.

The crowd goes wild. "Now I know this might seem like a lot of weight loss, but remember this is just the beginning" Mayor Young continues. "My goal is to get you all off the streets and into jobs. We can't wait around here anymore! Now let's take a look inside the new park we have here".

You feel a grumble in your stomach. Billy Ray Cyrus reveals the milk shake was full of alien monster eggs. You are pregnant, full of aliens.

> You keep going Mayor Young starts talking again. "So what happened?" he asks. "We got rid of those monsters," you say. "Yeah? Well how come I didn't hear about that? How did you convince the rest of the world to accept such a thing as normal?" "Well, it wasn't easy".

Your morbid obesity crushes most of the alien eggs. But you have one alien child, in front of the mayor, and it starts feasting on your fat cankles.

The mayor laughs and gives you a thumbs up. "Good job kid", he says. "What about me?" "Oh don't worry, I'll take care of you". Mayor Young takes a seat next to you and begins feeding you more milkshakes. You begin to lose consciousness. When you wake up, you are strapped to a bed in a hospital room.

You are spitting out alien babies like a softball pitching machine. Singer Michael Bolton is standing in front of you, swinging and hitting each blob of baby with an aluminum softball bat. "Great form," you think to yourself.

You are in the hospital room of a young woman named Brenda, who is a nurse. She has a clipboard in her hands and she is writing down everything you say. Her eyes are glazed over and her mouth is wide open. "Is this really necessary?" she asks. "It seems like every week I wake up and have to administer injections to a patient".

You say "Uh, isn't that your fucking job, Brenda?"

Brenda shakes her head. "No, no, not my job. My job is to give birth to a person". Brenda writes down your name and puts a pen to her forehead. "This is gonna hurt like hell," she says. "But if you just hold still, I'll write your initials on your forehead".

Brenda spends the whole day climbing your fat body to get your forehead. She writes her initials and plants a flag in your fat neck.

Brenda leaves to go home. In the morning, the doctor comes in to check on you. "Are you ready to start your treatment?", he asks. "Yes, yes, I'm ready". The doctor walks away and you fall asleep.

The nurse walks into the room and asks "Are you ready to begin your electroshock weight loss treatment?"

"Yes, yes, I'm ready". The nurse walks away and you fall asleep. In the morning, Brenda comes to visit you. "How much longer are you going to stay awake for?" You say "Until I die". Brenda nods and smiles. "Okay, I guess we're both ready then".

You begin the treatment and lose five pounds. The procedure is considered a big success.

Brenda is happy. You are sad. You wish you could just lie down and die.

You look outside the window and see a young boy and his father playing softball in the park next to the hospital. You shed a single tear and then grow the determination to lose all the weight and play softball again.

In the summer of 1999, you finally reach your goal of losing 500 pounds. Your mother is proud of you. "That's great!", she says. "At last you've reached your potential!". Brenda is also proud. "Boy, you sure are a hard worker. You should be able to pick up any job now".

You become a bouncer at Golden Corral. Surprisingly, you continue to lose weight despite working at an all-you-can eat buffet. Soon, people stop calling you "Mork Porkelson".

It becomes known as "Mork Torkelson Park". Mayor Young is impressed. He says "I knew you had talent, but when you started losing weight, I thought you were going to puke from hunger". You work at the park until the summer ends. Then you move back to the city where you live happily ever after...

one day you are being wheeled down the sidewalk in a wheelbarrow. You see a burning building and look up. There is a person about to jump out of the window. You wheel your barrow up to the building in order to break the person's fall!

You land on top of him and save his life. He thanks you profusely. "Thanks for saving my life". Suddenly, you feel something hit your chest. It hurts so bad. You turn around and see a man wearing a pink shirt holding a gun to your head. "Don't move," he demands. "Or else..".

You continue.

"or else what".

You realize the man is from the Susan G. Komen Foundation for Breast Cancer Research. He is jealous of all the attention you are getting. You slap the gun out of his hand with you loose body skin.

"Look, it's not my fault. They didn't pay me enough money". He doesn't understand. He says "Well, maybe they will now!" Suddenly, you feel another bullet hit your heart. This time, you do not survive.

You wake up in a hospital bed. The nurse tells you that you have an a heart transplant with an elephant donor.

Now you are free to enjoy your new found freedom.

You marry Brenda.

Congratulations!

You honeymoon in Bermuda.