You are Brother Gregory a 14th century monk serving in a small parish in rural Scotland. For the last three days, you and your two fellow monks have been hearing strange cackling noises in the night that stop suddenly outside the main door. One night you hear nothing and settle down to bed when you see some dark liquid trickle underneath your door.
You get up in the morning but there is no sign of any damage or anything unusual on the floor. The next day you hear more laughter coming from nowhere at all, this time accompanied by weird music like a harp with broken strings and singing voices...
You listening intently and write down the lyrics:
"I was walking through the wood, I heard such sounds as never were before..." Your head starts to hurt so badly it feels like someone's sitting on your chest. You stagger into church where they tell you that yes indeed, these songs are from Satan himself who has somehow got inside the monastery and is
trying to lure people away from God. They give you holy water which burns your skin horribly. A few nights later, you again hear the laughing in the night, but this time there is an odd smell hanging over everything, rotting meat maybe?
You go outside to investigate and the smell and sound gets louder and smellier until you are face to face with Satan himself jamming in the forest.
He looks like a tall thin man with black hair and eyes staring right back at you with evil intent. His clothes appear to be made out of decaying flesh and he stinks like something dead. He laughs at you with his mouth full of sharp teeth and then just vanishes without saying another word.
You look around and notice Satan has left something behind. It appears to be a musical instrument:
a harp with only one string remaining attached to the body of the harp. The other end dangles limply from its peg and seems to have caught in the branches of a tree. You grab hold of the harp and pull it free, noticing that the fleshy strings have torn apart leaving
the metal frame exposed. You try strumming the harp and find that the single string vibrates slightly in your hand.
The following morning, you hear the same laughter coming from nowhere at all and the song begins once more: "I was walking through the wood, I heard such sounds as
never were before..." You can't help but feel guilty about what happened last night and you decide to take the harp with you to church for safe keeping. When you arrive, the others ask if you found anything strange or suspicious in the woods.
Jayson, a evil Demon disguised as a Birthday hating Twitch Streamer named Jason, tells you that the harp has special powers:
anyone who touches it will fall asleep and forget everything that happened while they slept. If you don't want to sleep, then you must play the harp and make sure that you always keep it close to you.
You play the harp and it sounds like ass.
The melody is horrible and you begin to wonder why it was given to you in the first place. Then you notice that you are getting tired and start to nod off. As you do so, you lose control of the strings and the harp falls to the ground.
When you wake up, you realize that once you start playing the harp, you have to keep playing to stay awake. Satan appears in your room and say, "Holy shit you're terrible!"
You are horrified because now you know that the harp is evil and you must destroy it immediately.
You go outside and look for the harp, but it has vanished. However, Satan reappears and says, "Well done!
You've destroyed my favorite toy. Now you will have to join me in Hell."
Satan then disappears once more and leaves you alone in the forest. You walk home feeling very confused. On the way, you pass a village and you see a bunch of women gathered around a well.
You know this is the Well to Hell. You've never seen it before, but the women try to lure in. You try to resist and come up with an impromptu song:
"Oh no, please don't let me go to Hell, I'm not ready yet, I need some time to think about it..."
However, they continue to beg you to go to Hell.
You continue to sing:
"Please don't send me to Hell, I'll be good from now on, I promise I won't sin anymore, I just need some time to think about it..."
You realise that you are starting to feel sleepy and the women become more persistent.
You remember back grade school you used to kill at Karaoke and so you breakout a cover of
"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.
You finish singing and you are completely exhausted. The women leave and you fall asleep.
The next day, you get up and the harp is gone.
In place of the harp you notice Cory from AIPD's favorite t-shirt:
"This shirt makes my nipples hard."
You laugh and put the shirt on.
You return to the village and see the women still there. They tell you that you are now their slave and you will be forced to work them until you die.
You agree and you are dragged into the forest.
You find yourself walking down a dirt path. There are a lot of trees here and you can barely see the sun. You follow the women until you reach a large wooden house.
You open the door and see a large barracks filled with cackling women. As soon as you enter, a large fat grotesque woman hands you an apron and a list of chores:
Sweep the floor
Clean the toilets
Scrub the floors
Launder the laundry
You are terrified and you cannot imagine doing any of these things.
The day passes by quickly and you barely get 3 of the chores done. The large woman returns and scolds you for not completely the list.
She says that you will be whipped if you fail again.
As you leave the building, you see Cory standing outside. He asks you how it went. You say, "Not too bad."
Cory hands you an anti thot microphone.
You turn it on and the voice of a young girl says, "Hi everyone, welcome to my channel. I am your hostess, Lola. Today we are going to talk about the latest rumors surrounding the missing persons case.
You realize you have the anti-thot microphone set to reverse
psychology mode and you feel silly.
You are approached by a few other women and you are told that you are now in charge of the kitchen. You start cooking and you notice that it tastes awful.
You tell your home automation system, "Siri, set Rumba to get off its Ass and do some Real fucking work!"
The music stops and the lights dim. You hear the sound of a dance club coming from the speakers.
A woman walks into the kitchen and she is wearing a bikini. Her name is Dixie and you instantly recognize her as one of the most popular Twitch Streamers.
You realize Dixie has spent hours in a hot tub and try to hand her a slightly used towel to dry off.
She grabs the towel and starts drying herself.
You are shocked and embarrassed when you realize that Dixie is completely naked.
You have to admit that she looks amazing and you would love nothing more than to strip her down right there and then.
You ask her if you can help with her show so you don't have to do these terrible chores. You beg and tell her that your are great with technology. This is a lie.
Dixie says, "I appreciate the offer, but I have to make sure that I am giving my viewers what they want. My fans love it when I tease them and I will not disappoint."
You think you know of a tease that would be popular and Dixie agrees to give it a shot. You decide to have Dixie dress up in heavy monk robes and then
slowly take them off.
She is only wearing a garter belt and stockings and she is clearly uncomfortable.
You explain to her that the viewers want to see her struggling to remove the robe.
You create a robe that is very tight in some areas and very loose in others. It is almost like a straight jacket now when trying to remove.
You also add a hood that covers her head and makes it difficult to see anything.
Dixie struggles for several minutes but finally manages to get the robe off.
She is covered in sweat and she asks you for a fan.
You accidentally get the uncovered industrial metal fan which Dixie's robes get wrapped and suddenly Dixie is standing there with no skin on.
The viewers go crazy and you see comments such as: "Holy shit! That is hot!"
"Damn this girl is fine!"
You are mortified that the whole world saw your mistake and you hope that nobody else will ever see the video.
Next time on "Monk's Gone Wild":
It is the end of your shift and you are walking back to your apartment. You pass by a house and you hear someone screaming inside. You knock on the door and it opens.
Inside you see a woman dressed in black leather with a whip dangling from her hand.
Dixie says, "Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all."
The woman says, "Get out of here or I'll kill you."
You run away and you spend the night hiding under your bed.
In the morning you wake up to find that Dixie is gone.