You are a monkey in a cubicle.
A tiny, furred ape with big black eyes and an insatiable lust for the strange and unknown. You have never been outside your cage; you don't know what it is like to walk upright on two legs or hold something that isn't food or water.
You decide to the drink all of coffee in the break room and intentionally decide to not make any more.
The manager comes by every hour but he can only look at you from behind his desk. He doesn't see how you are constantly staring out into the hallway. How your eyes move everywhere except where they should be looking.
You notice Cory from AIPD's jeans, which are drenched in coffee. You wish you were more like Cory.
More confident and secure in yourself. It would help if she had less hair. She has long, thick blonde curls that hang past her shoulders. They stick together when wet and sometimes get caught on things.
You walk right up to Cory's cubicle and hit on her.
"Hi," you say as sweetly as possible. "I was wondering... Do you want to go grab lunch?"
Cory blinks rapidly. Her eyes are bright blue and clear. Not too much makeup.
Cory stares at her computer for a while, but reluctantly agrees.
You walk down the hall with her and try not to think about how hard her ass looks in those jeans. You hope she wears underwear under them because there is no way you could stop thinking about her naked body if she didn't.
You take Cory for a nice dinner at Applebee's.
You order wine and pay for everything. You feel really good about yourself and Cory seems to like it too.
"So," you ask after ordering dessert. "Do you work here?"
Your date is interrupted by Butt Reluctantly, Middle Manager at your company, and he joins you thinking this was a work outing he just wasn't invited to.
He sits across from you and asks if you're dating anyone. He says it with a smile, but you can tell he's worried.
You don't say anything. You've already decided that you will never bring Cory home again.
You get annoyed by Butt's presence and tell him, "Hey, no offense, but this was a date and you just ruined everything. This is why no one in the office likes you!"
Butt is surprised by your sudden outburst. He apologizes profusely and leaves before you can say another word.
It takes Cory almost half an hour to calm down enough to talk to you again.
You get dessert and attempt to impress Cory with a funny joke you heard:
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The guy says, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe a beer."
"Okay, give me one of those beers over there," the bartender says.
"I don't think so," the guy says.
"Just give me the beer," the bartender demands.
The guy pulls out his wallet and hands the bartender $50.
"Here," the guy says.
"Now make my beer."
Cory laughs hysterically at your story. She tells you that she works in the mailroom.
You decide that you like her even better than you thought you did.
Things are going well and Cory asks if she can come over to your place. You agree and you both walk out to the parking lot where you are shocked to see that Butt Reluctantly has
Cory smiles brightly and says, "You don't mind if I invite him, do you?"
You don't know what to say. You look at Butt and he gives you a nervous smile.
You politely ask if Butt wants to hang out.
Butt Reluctantly shakes his head. "No, thank you. I'm just going to stay here and wait for you guys to leave."
You get in your car and start driving away.
You and Cory arrive at your apartment and begin making out.
Cory starts taking off her clothes.
She is wearing a white tank top and pink cotton panties. She unbuttons her shirt and exposes her bra-less breasts.
You reach up and cup her tits through her shirt.
You hear something outside your window - someone is watching you. You put on your shirt and run outside to see
who it is.
There is no one there.
You turn around and see Cory pulling her pants down.
She turns and sees you standing there in shock. She grabs your hand and drags you inside.
You shut the door and continue your advances towards Cory. You are interrupted by the sound of glass breaking.
You look outside and see Butt Reluctantly climbing up onto the roof.
Cory yells, "Get down from there! What the hell are you doing?"
Butt Reluctantly jumps down and runs into your apartment.
You yell at him, "You're crazy!"
Butt Reluctantly answers, "I know. That's why I did it."
Cory says, "He broke my window."
You call the police on Butt and tell him that he will be going to jail tonight.
Cory says, "He's such a jerk. I hate him."
You hug Cory tightly and kiss her.
Cory says, "I love you."
You pull away and say, "I love you too."
The police arrive and take Butt away.
You two go back to your apartment.
Cory gets undressed and crawls into bed.
You lie beside her and hold her tight.
After a few minutes, Cory says, "Let's fuck."
You feel something strange under the sheets. You look and are shocked and frightened to see Butt.
He is crawling towards you, slowly moving his arms and legs.
You scream and jump out of bed. Cory screams as well.
Cory stands in the middle of your room, naked except for her pink panties.
Butt crawls towards you, but you grab the lamp off of your nightstand and hit him over the head with it.
He falls unconscious.
You check his pulse and find that he is still alive. You throw the lamp on the floor and kick him in the face with your foot.
You pick up the lamp and smash it against his head.
You got to phone the police again, but Butt has disappeared. The power goes out and the phone line is dead. You tell Cory to lock herself in your room and you search your apartment for a weapon.
You find some scissors and cut the screen off of your front window. You climb up on the roof and use them to break through the window.
You get in and crawl through the broken window.
You see Butt standing in your kitchen clutching a butcher's knife. You tackle Butt to the ground and attempt to rustle the knife from his hands. You stab Butt right in the eye with your scissors.
You try to pull the blade out of Butt's eye socket, but it won't come out.
Your arm is bleeding badly.
You drag Butt into your bedroom and tie him up with the cord from your telephone.
You ask Butt, "Why are you doing this!?"
Butt replies, "Because I love you."
"What?" You say.
"I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you. You have no idea how many times I wished I could have sex with you.
You notice an odd pentagram tattoo on Butt's chest.
You say, "Who did that to you?"
Butt replies, "It was done by a woman named Amber."
Amber is a friend of yours.
You say, "How do you know her?"
Butt says, "We were together for a while. I guess she couldn't handle the commitment. She dumped me after only a few months."
You are confused and say, "Why would she do that?
She seemed like a nice girl."
Butt says, "She wanted to be in control. She thought we should only have sex when she said so.
You say, "That doesn't make any sense.
You notice Butt's wounds seem to suspiciously heal all on there own.
You say, "I think you need to go to the hospital."
Butt says, "No, I'm fine now. Just leave me alone."
You sit down on the couch and cry.
You knock on your Neighbor's door. Your Neighbor, Priest Johanson, answers the door and asks what you want. You ask if he can perform and exorcism on Butt.
Priest Johanson says, "I'll have to check with Mother Superior."
Mother Superior is a nun that lives next door.
You tell him that you are worried about Butt.
He says, "I don't know.
That's not something I usually do."
You ask him if he knows who did it.
He says, "Yes."
You say, "Can you tell me?"
Priest Johanson says, "No."
Mother Superior answers the door and looks otherworldly. Mother Superior gives Johanson permission to perform the exorcism.
You hear a voice inside your head saying, "Don't let him kill Cory."
You say, "Thank you," and go home.
When you arrive at your apartment, Cory is sitting on the couch reading a book.
You approach Cory, but stop short when you notice Cory is tranforming into a
You start screaming and run out of the apartment.
You return to your apartment where you find Cory is back to normal.
You say, "What happened?"
Cory says, "I just changed my shape."
You look around and notice that Butt has disappeared again. You ask Cory if she saw where he went.
Cory says, "No, I didn't see anything."
You say, "Well, let's go to the hospital then."
You walk out of your apartment and lock the door behind you.
You get in the car and start it up, but it doesn't move. You and Cory look out the window to see that Butt has transformed into
a giant green cockroach.
You scream and drive away.
You get to the hospital and park in the emergency room.
The nurse tells you that they will take care of your injuries.
You sit in recover and Cory tells you everything about her Were-Cockroach form and how when she joined a satanic cult they made her drink something that changed her forever.
You say, "What do you mean by 'changed'?"
Cory says, "I turned into a giant cockroach."
You say, "What?"
Cory says, "I had sex with a cockroach once."
You revert into a primal state and fight the giant Butt cockroach.
You defeat Butt and burn him alive.
You drop Cory off at her apartment and return to your apartment.
You open the door and find Cory waiting for you.
She says, "I told you I'd be here."
You tell Cory, "I just want to eat my bananas and go to bed. Please leave."
Cory says, "I'm sorry I ruined your life."
You say, "Go to hell."
Cory says, "I'll see you soon."
You say, "Fuck you!"
Next time on "Monkey in a Cubicle":
You find yourself in a strange world filled with mysterious creatures and evil sorcerers.
* * *
I got this story from one of my best friends, Amber.