Mimi Panini, rookie archeologist

You are summoned to the ruins of an ancient Toby Keith Country Music restaurant. You are told somewhere in the ruins lies, the Hopeless Diamond. It's the smallest diamond known to mankind, and your job is to find it.

> You enter the Ruins... You walk through a doorway into a dimly lit room. A table sits there with a manila envelope on top. The envelope has a label that reads: The Lost Treasure Of The World! It seems like some sort of joke. But then again, maybe you're not supposed to know what the letter says.

You open the letter and find inside is a map that will lead to to find the Hopeless Diamond.

The next day, you set off on your journey. After walking for several hours, you come across a large stone wall with a sign at the top reading: "No Trespassing". You decide to ignore this warning and continue onwards. Suddenly, you feel something grab your arm. Looking down, you see a small black creature standing behind you.

It's a shrivled up and disfigured Garth Brookes, he tells you he is looking for his "precious" and you tell him you'll help him find it.

He asks if you want anything from his hideout and you say no, but he insists on accompanying you. You follow him out of the forest and into a large, empty warehouse. You notice a door on the far side of the building. You head towards it and enter. Inside, you find a few crates filled with various items.

You find the crate is mostly filled with Jalepeno poppers. You open them all just to be safe, but the Hopeless Diamond isn't there. However, you find another map.

This one is much larger than the first one. You look at it carefully and realize that it must have been drawn by someone who was familiar with the area. On the bottom right corner, it reads: "This Map Was Made By Me". You can only assume whoever made this map knew where the Hopeless Diamond was.

You try to find the cartographer you drew the map and search in the phonebook for someone named "ME".

As you read the names of people in the phonebook, you think back to your conversation with Mr. Brookes. The last person you talked to said they were looking for their brother or sister. A voice suddenly comes over the radio. It sounds like it belongs to a woman's voice.

You hear "Hey everyone, hope you enjoyed another fabulous hour of country music, brought to you by ME. Next up: Metallica." You rush over to the radio station and meetup with ME, you ask her about the map.

She looks at it and smiles, she says it's a real good idea to go to the ruins of the Toby Keith Restaurant. She also mentions that she found a way to get to the ruins without getting caught. She says she knows how to get there safely, but you need to do it now. So, you agree to help her.

You tell her "we were already at the ruins of the Toby Keith Restaurant" and show her the map you found in the envelope. You look at her like what?

Meaning: I'm going to kill you. You run away as fast as you can, but ME catches up to you. She grabs you and throws you against a wall. You scream and struggle, but ME has you trapped. She forces a knife to your throat and tells you "I'm sorry, but I have to do it".

You decide to seduce ME.

You begin to kiss her passionately. ME doesn't seem to mind, she seems to enjoy it. You don't even care anymore, you just want to please ME. You begin to take her clothes off. Her eyes widen when she sees ME naked. She tries to resist, but ME has you completely under control.

You notice one of ME's nipples is pierced. You see a glint of light on the nipple ring. It is the smallest diamond you've ever seen. You compliment ME on her nipple ring.

At this point, ME begins to lose control, she starts screaming out loud and beating you with her fists. You attempt to fight back, but you aren't fast enough. You start feeling pain everywhere. Your face turns purple and you collapse to the ground. Your vision goes dark and you become unconscious.

You wake up tied to a cross made of acoustic guitars. Toby Keith enters the room in a cowboy outfit and sings you a song about being Hopeless.

When you awaken, you are strapped to a cross made of acoustic guitars. You look around and see a bunch of other people tied to crosses. They look at you with disgust and disgust. One of them is a balding man dressed in leather pants and boots. He walks forward and puts his hand on your shoulder. "Don't worry, we got these types before".

Tony Keith approaches you and says, "Thank you for recovering the Hopeless Diamond and restoring it to my family. As a reward, I will play 'Beer For My Horses' one hundred times in a row." You scream and scream and Toby plays into the night.

The next day, you awake and see Toby holding a guitar. He tells you "I know you're here because you woke me up and played that song into the night". Toby continues, "Now let's make sure that nobody else gets that precious diamond from you!" You immediately protest, but Toby stops you.

You quickly swallow the diamond and smile.

Toby then proceeds to tie your hands together behind your back and blindfold you. You feel a cold metal rod through your mouth and down your throat. Toby begins to choke you and force air into your lungs until you pass out. When you come to, you find yourself chained to a wooden cross with a large stone slab placed directly above you.

You look around and realize you are at the 37th Annual Country Music Awards. Everyone is standing and cheering. You say, "Get er done?" and Toby Keith explodes in a pillar of hellfire. You are now the king of the south.

> You enter the stage door and escape You run towards the stage door and open it. Suddenly, Toby Keith appears in front of you. Toby shouts, "Who are you?!" You reply, "I am the King of the South! Who are you!?" Toby replies, "You don't know who I am? Well, YOU better hurry up and answer the question!"

You say "King of the South, smarter than a fifth grade get 'er done I love america trucks and whiskey!" and you see Toby Keith melt into a pile of goo. That becomes the new chorus of your hit country single: "Lovin' my country".

This story ends.