You are a Pepsi Factory worker named Milton Waddles and you are secretly addicted to Coca Cola.
You have been working at the plant for two years now, but it is your dream job. Your boss Mr. Smith doesn't care about what goes on in his factory as long as he gets paid every week and has an endless supply of Coke machines that never run out.
You take a break from working the factory line and drink your usual 2 liter of Coca Cola in the breakroom. You notice a new Pepsi employee is giving you dirty look.
She's wearing a short skirt with her blouse unbuttoned showing off cleavage and large brown eyes. "Hi," she says to you, "I'm Sarah." Her voice sounds like it comes from deep within her throat which makes it sound husky.
You explain to Sarah that you just really prefer coke over pepsi and that it really isn't that big of a deal.
You feel bad because everyone else seems to think you are being rude by not drinking their preferred product. After some small talk, Sarah invites you back to her apartment where she lives alone with her mother who works nights at the hospital.
You tell Sarah, "I drank so much Coca Cola that I peed my pants. My pants are completely soak!"
Sarah laughs, "My mom will be home soon and we can go get changed into something more comfortable. Come on."
"Ok," you say.
You follow Sarah down the hall to her bedroom.
When you open the bedroom door, you are greeted by Godfrey St Pelier, Pepsi Inquisitor. This whole date was a setup!
He smiles at you, "Hello Milton, welcome to our humble abode."
He looks around the room and sees Sarah's mother is asleep on the couch watching television. "Oh, hello Mrs. Simmons," he says, "I didn't know you were here."
You tell Godfrey, "Cut the crap, why do you want to meet with me so badly that you'd set all of this up?"
Godfrey smiles, "It's simple really. I've been observing you Milton for quite some time now and it appears that you have developed a soft spot for Coca Cola. Well, I am going to give you one last chance to convert to Pepsi."
You notice Godfrey is holding a torture device: a
chair with chains attached to its legs.
"I'll give you five seconds to choose Pepsi or you will end up sitting in that chair until you die."
The moment you hear those words you are consumed with fear.
You do not answer and Godfrey manages to put you in the chair. Some time passes and in walks Gilbert Gottfried, Pepsi "Therapist".
He smiles at you, "Hi Milton, how are you doing today?"
Gilbert tells you that he is going to help you overcome your addiction to Coke. He explains, "Pepsi is better for you than Coke.
You tell Gilbert, "Your not meant to be angry with your friends. your meant to be angry with yourself. I hate myself for going on this fake Date with Sarah!"
Gilbert then takes out a can of Pepsi and hands it to you.
"Here you go," he says, "drink Pepsi and you will see the light."
You take the Pepsi from him and you find that it tastes very good.
Gilbert notes your delighted and smiles. You interrupt his pre-celebration and say, "But I still prefer Coke."
Gilbert says, "Well then, you should drink more of it."
You stare at Gilbert and ask, "Why would I want to drink more of this horrible tasting soda?"
Gilbert smiles, "Because it is your favorite beverage and you love it.
You break out of your restraints and reach for a secret coca cola you had stuffed in your back pocket. You down the coke and like Popeye with spinach, you gain super strength to fight off this Pepsi conversion squad.
Milton Waddles defeats the Pepsi Inquisitors and escapes the building.
As you walk home, you begin to realize that maybe you were wrong about Coke being better than Pepsi.
A few weeks later, you receive a letter from Sarah saying she wants to go out again.
You hesitate, but you give Sarah a second chance. You take her to your favorite restaurant:
When Sarah orders a burger, you notice that it is made with cheese, bacon, and tomatoes. You try it and you actually like the taste.
After eating, Sarah asks if you want to grab a coffee and watch the sun rise over downtown San Francisco.
You have never felt this way about anyone before. You look at Sarah and she looks back at you as the sun begins to rise.
You kiss Sarah passionately and you both fall into bed together.
You wake up the next morning feeling great.
You kiss Sarah goodbye and she gives you another passionate kiss.
"Goodbye Milton," Sarah says, "see you tonight."
You go back to work where everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around you. You know why, but you wonder why Sarah isn't here. You ask your boss, "Where is Sarah today?"
"She is at home resting," he answers.
You are confused and say, "Why did she send me a text message telling me to come over today?"
"Well," your boss says, "she said you would understand when you saw what she wanted to show you."
After work, you stop by a liquor store to pickup a 12 pack of coke's and you make your way to Sarah's apartment.
When you arrive, you find Sarah's parents in the living room watching television.
"Hey Milton," Sarah says, "come on in."
You follow Sarah into the kitchen and you see that she has prepared a feast for you.
You look at all the food that must've take her all day to prepare:
a cheeseburger, fries, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, pizza, cookies, ice cream sundaes, cake pops, and more.
Sarah grabs a bottle of coke from the fridge and offers it to you.
You say to Sarah, "This is it? Go bake me some cakes, cookies and pies."
Sarah laughs and says, "No silly, this is just a snack. Now sit down and eat it."
You sit down at the table and you start to devour the food Sarah has prepared for you.
You notice a photo turned down on the mantle over the fireplace. You turn it over to see Sarah with a gigantic 600 lbs ex-boyfriend. You then figure out what Sarah is trying to do: she is a feeder and she is trying to make you gain a grotesque amount of weight.
You stand up and scream, "Get out! Get out now!"
Sarah starts crying as she tries to explain herself.
"Milton, please don't leave me," Sarah pleads.
You storm out and sit in the hallway fuming mad. But as you cool off, you begin to consider becoming a fat piece of crap... for Sarah.
You call Sarah and tell her that you will meet her at Burger Circus.
You arrive at Burger Circus and you order a large stack of onion rings.
Sarah arrives soon after and she sits down beside you and says, "I am sorry I tried to trick you."
A burger circus employee rolls over a wheelbarrow filled with onion rings. Sarah notices and smiles. You say, "Sarah, I'll be your honey bear."
Sarah smiles, "That's sweet Milton, but I already have one."
You ask Sarah what she means.
Sarah says, "The first time we met, I was a fat girl.
The second time we met, I was a skinny girl."
You say, "But you are still a fat girl now."
Sarah says, "Yes, but I will always be my own person.
You ask Sarah, "You should really lose some weight."
Sarah laughs, "I can't believe you think that I'm trying to make myself look like a cow.
You say, "Well, you could at least get rid of the beer gut."
You motion for a Burger Circus employee to come over to your table. You tell the employee, "Hey can we get this whale some krill to eat?"
The employee looks at you and says, "Sure thing sir."
He comes back with a plate of dead whales and you throw it into the garbage.
You say to Sarah, "I love you, but I cannot date a fat girl."
Sarah sits in silence for a while, but she eventually gives you an answer.
She says, "You are right Milton. I am a fat girl."
The next morning, you wake up and realize that Sarah is not there.
You feel alone and you decide to go for a walk.
The ground feels unusually soft. You look around and are in a strange environment - everything is weirdly flesh colored. You then look up and notice Sarah has gotten really fat. So fat that you are walking around on her enormous thighs. Sarah rumbles out, "Hello Milton, good morning! I am trying to show you my final form!"
You laugh, "So that's what you were doing last night."
Sarah says, "Yep, I told you that I would be a fat girl. You should have seen the look on your face."
Next time on "So your dating a blimp":
"Let's play truth or dare!"
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