Michael Gorgles, part time superhero

Posted under Episode 121, Story On By Chief

You save people as a hobby.  You are deathly allergic to milk.

You get a report that the queen's daughter is being held for ransom by the Dairy Fairy, England's most villainous farmer. You fly to his oyster farm/headquarters.

> You rescue the Queen! You land on the dairy farm and shoot out its front door with your rifle. The cowboys open fire from their horses. Bullets tear through the air, but you duck behind a wall of hay until it ends. A bullet hits you in the back, and you collapse onto the ground.

You realize, too late, that the bullet was laced with milk. Fortunately, your sidekick, Boy Useful, gives you a shot with an Epipen, and revives you.

You run over to the dairy farmhouse, where you find the Queen in a cage, tied up. She begs you not to kill her. "I'm sorry," she says, "but I have to go". "No!" you say. "Don't leave me here! Let me free this girl!" You pull off her collar, and release her.

You go back home and finish your opinion piece for the Detroit Free Press which you call "Gorgle's Corner" where you answer life questions that readers mail in.

One day, you receive a letter from a young woman named Helen who asks if you're going to be able to afford to marry her. Her parents are rich, so they can pay all your expenses. Your response: "Yes, yes, yes".

You meet with Helen and discover she makes cheese for a living. That's gonna a problem because of your milk allergy.

You tell Helen to come to your house when she gets off work at noon, or you'll make her a sandwich. When she arrives at your house, you give her a sandwich, then ask her what she wants to do. Helen replies, "Let's go see the King". "The King?" you ask. "Yeah".

You give her a sandwich then you put on your undercover disguise and join Helen to see the King who is her uncle.

You enter the room where the King is sitting and sit down next to him. He looks at you and smiles. He has a big nose, a long mouth, a fat mustache and a small bald head. He wears a crown made of gold, surrounded by diamonds, rubies and other precious stones. His eyes are two yellow stars in a sea of black.

You ask the King for his star eyes and permission to marry Helen.

The King smiles and nods. You tell Helen to wait while you talk to the King about how you want to spend the rest of your life together.

The king invites you to dinner, you arrive with Helen at the dinner table and the King brings out nothing but cheese dishes: Mac and Cheese, Grilled Cheese, Fried Cheese Kurds, Nachos, Pizzas, Bosco Sticks. You excuse yourself and run to the bathroom.

In the stall, you urinate into a cup. Then, you take a look at the newspaper article about your kidnapping and the Milk Fairy. You pick up the paper and read: THE MILK FAIRY HAS BEEN SUSPENDED BY THE CIVIL AUTHORITY FOR HIS CRIMINAL ACTS AGAINST THE QUEEN!

You run into the dining room holding the cup and yell, "I found a cup or urine just sitting here in the hallway. That means all the food is poisoned!".

Helen runs into the kitchen screaming, "He ate my cheese! We've got to warn everyone!" You rush back into the dining hall, yelling, "HE'S EATING MY CHEESE! WE HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" THE KING IS TAKING ALL THE FOOD AWAY FROM ME! HE MUST DIE!

A huge brawl erupts in the dining room, you call Boy Useful to bring you a hamburger, no cheese. You fly the King out of there to safey and wait for your hamburger to arrive.

When you finally eat your burger, you feel terrible. It tastes horrible. You think about how you could have saved Helen and how you should have never kidnapped the King in the first place. Then, you remember the Milk Fairy. He must be responsible for everything.

You realize the Milk Fairy has altered your mind with his devious milk dust. You inject yourself with adrenaline and fly in a circle around the room rapidly to disperse the dust. The Milk Fairy is revealed and gnashes his teeth in anger.

The Milk Fairy tells you he will only let you live if you help him defeat the evil clowns. You agree to help him, but only if he takes you to the carnival where the clowns perform their dangerous pranks. You fly up to the ceiling and drop down to the ground. You jump into the ring and begin performing tricks.

You show the clowns and everyone in the audience your TRUE SUPER POWERS!


is what you say to the evil clowns and you reveal you are a Juggalo and spray the clowns with Faygo red pop.

They turn purple and start laughing uncontrollably.

The Milk Fairy realizes too late that your superpower is the ability to end things. You end the Milk Fairy. You end the clowns. You end the circus. You end the danger. You end the story. You back to your full-time job as a 4chan moderator.

> You continue... Your life continues. Years pass... You grow old and die. And then you wake up. You are now an adult. You were raised by wolves.