Matthew Vurplus, a man with a rare disease that causes you to ejaculate whenever you laugh

Posted under Episode 126, Story On By Chief

After collapsing at the car wash one day you went to the hospital and were diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. You discover that Jesse Pinkman, a former student of yours, makes a living cooking meth. You approach Jesse about cooking meth together.

He agrees on one condition: he gets to keep all the money he makes from selling drugs.

You add a condition of your own. "Say my name," you tell Jesse.

He complies. The two of you go into business for yourself.

You go to Jesse's drug lab and ask him for a tour of the place.

He says it is just like what you remember. You tell him that if he ever wants to quit his job, he can come over to cook with you again. Jesse nods in agreement and smiles.

You make the strongest meth on your first try, you laugh, and accidentally jizz in the batch. You take it to a dealer named Wacky Wenzell.

He doesn't believe you when you say you made it by accident. You explain that it was an accident, but he still thinks you're lying.

You prove to him that you ejaculate whenever you laugh. You pull down your pants and watch an old Richard Pryor comedy special. You laugh so hard you cover the walls, and your friends, in semen.

It works. Your relationship with Jesse becomes more than just a business arrangement. It becomes a lifestyle.

Wack Wenzell nicknames the make you make "Jackfroot." It becomes the most popular meth on the streets. You charge Jesse millions of dollars in labor and use it to pay for your cancer treatment.

> You start your life over The world has changed. The way things used to be. Life isn't as simple as it once was, not even for you. You have to change something. You need to find a new path. The only thing you know how to do is make meth.

Bill Cosby offers you a job making a different drug. You refuse and go back to making meth.

The next time you walk into Bill Cosby's house, it smells like roses. He invites you inside. He takes off his shirt and shows you a vial of blue liquid. "This will kill cancer cells," he says. You stare at the liquid in awe. "I've been working on this for years," Cosby says.

You immediately try the liquid. Bill Cosby says something to make you laugh, and you ejaculate in his eyes, giving him glaucoma. He screams in rage as you begin to get drowsy...

and fall asleep. Years later, you wake up in a cold sweat. When you look around, nothing seems real anymore. Everything feels surreal. All the memories you had of the past seem like they came from another reality. You realize that you don't know where you are or who you are. You feel like a prisoner trapped in a strange room. You can hear voices outside.

The nurse comes in and tells you your actions led to Bill Cosby going to jail. She pats your crotch in appreciation. "I'd love to tell you a joke to thank you," the nurse says.

"What are you doing here?" you ask. "I'm here because I want to help you," she replies. "Help me? Help me out of this situation?" "Yes, but not exactly how you think". "Who are you?" you say. "I am a ghost". "A ghost?"

You ask the Nurse to tell you a joke.

"Sure", she says. "Tell me a joke, and then we'll see if we share anything in common". A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink, sits down, and waits for his food to arrive. A waitress comes by and brings his food. "So," the man says. "How much for this steak dinner?" "Um..".

You continue.

"A lot less than $100," the man says. "And why would I spend that kind of money for such a shithole meal?" "Because it's a steak dinner!" the man answers. "Well what do you mean?" "That's a good question! What does it matter if it costs $100 or not?"

You continue.

"No, really," the man continues. "Where did you learn to talk like that?" "Oh... well..". You stop talking and stare at the floor. "I didn't mean to offend you," the man says. "But I thought you might understand, after seeing me perform such feats of wit before". You nod.

The women tells the man, "If you don't like the price of our steak, then steer clear."

"Yeah right!", the man exclaims. "Look, I'm sorry about all this. But I have to buy a ticket to Chicago now. If I don't get there, my plane won't get there, and I'll never get home. Can you please give me some advice?" You look at the man.