You are a bear lost in Ikea.
You have been searching for the perfect couch, but you've only found one that's not quite right. It doesn't fit your body like it should. And so you keep looking around for another piece of furniture to fill out the room.
You find an end table that catches your eye. An IKEA employee walks over and ask if he can help you with anything.
"I'm just trying to figure out what this would look like in my home," you say. The worker smiles at you kindly as he looks at the table and offers some advice on how to place it correctly.
You maul the salesman, because you are bear and that is what bears do.
He tries to stop you from destroying his precious goods, but you don't listen. You rip off his pants and mount him roughly, growling into his ear as you fuck him. His moans become louder when your claws dig into his back and drag down his spine.
You whisper into his ears, "where can I find the delicious Swedish Meatballs?"
"The meatballs? Oh! They're over there." He says, pointing towards a rack of products. You grab them and stuff your face with all four balls before you devour his ass.
You go and sit on the sofa and you say, "This sofa is too small for my bear ass." You walk over to another sofa and say, "This sofa is too big for my bear ass." You then head to a sofa that looks perfect, but you are suddenly surrounded by police officers with their guns drawn.
They tell you that they will shoot you if you don't calm down. But you are hungry and angry. So instead of listening to the cops, you tear off their clothes and ravage them savagely.
Reinforcements arrive, the IKEA employees have called in the National Guard. Soldiers surround you again and they find you sitting on the perfect couch that fits your bear ass jussssst righhhhhhht.
Now the soldiers take you away, cuffed and strapped to a chair. You will never be able to purchase any more furniture from IKEA ever again.
* * *
Your phone buzzes in your pocket. It's Jenny. She sent you another message: "I'm sorry about earlier. I was just messing around. Can we talk?"
You look up from your laptop and answer her text.
"Sure, where are you?"
She responds, "Can you come meet me at the store?"
You write back, "Yeah, I'll be there soon."
You finish your work and pack up your things.
You confess to Jenny that you can't meet her at the store because you are in Guantanamo Bay.
"Oh," she says. "Well, I guess I'll just wait here for you."
You are walking through the parking lot when you notice a car parked near Jenny's. There is a woman inside.
You notice the woman is Jenny's best friend Alice and Alice HATES you. You walk up to Alice and try to politely ask, "Where is Jenny?"
Alice gets out of the car and starts yelling at you, "Why did you fuck my girlfriend?!?"
You are confused. You didn't fuck anyone, but you decide to explain the situation anyway.
You say, "Alice, don't tell Jenny that I've been cheating on her with Yogi Bear."
"What?!" Alice screams. "You cheated on Jenny with Yogi Bear?!"
"Yes," you admit. "I fucked Yogi Bear. And now Jenny wants to kill me."
Jenny appears. You are excited to see her after all this time, but then you notice Jenny is holding a
Jenny says, "If you don't give me your keys, I'm going to shoot you in the dick."
You drop your keys to the ground and Jenny shoots you in the penis.
You rile in pain on the ground and sheepishly ask Jenny, "Does this mean we are breaking up?"
"Fuck no!" Jenny yells. "I love you! I'm still mad at you, but I love you! Let's get married!"
You laugh nervously and agree.
It's wedding day! You are so excited, your penis has finally healed and you think Jenny has finally stopped being angry at you. You watch Jenny walk down the aisle and
you can't help but notice that she looks like a completely different person.
You ask Jenny, "Is something wrong?"
Jenny responds, "Yeah, I had sex with Alice."
You are shocked.
You shoot Jenny in the vagina.
Jenny falls to the floor and you apologize.
"Sorry! I thought it would make you happy!"
Jenny says, "I know you love me, but you need to be punished."
You nod and ask, "What will my punishment be Jenny?"
"First, you will have to eat all of Alice's pussy."
"Second, you will have to lick my asshole."
You are mortified, but you do as Jenny asks.
Next time on Marriage Story 2 - Bear With Me:
* * *
We are in a room at the office of Dr. Ellen Pfeiffer.
Dr. Pfeiffer is an old woman with a big nose and long white hair.
She sits behind her desk, looking at us through thick glasses. She looks over the paperwork we brought to her.
"So, what seems to be the problem?" she asks.
You say, "My wife is constantly cheating on me."
Dr Pfeiffer says she has the fertility results, the answer on where you and Jenny can have kids together is:
"Oh my God," you say.
"The sperm count is too low. The test is conclusive. Your only chance is to find a donor with a high sperm count."
Adam Driver walks in and says, "I'll donate, you clearly lack the bare necessities." and laughs.
"No," you say. "That won't work. We already tried that."
"Oh," Adam says. "Well, let me see if I can help you."
He pulls out his phone and shows you a picture of a naked girl.
"This is my wife!"
"Yeah, she's a hot little number," he says. "I'd be honored to help you two out."
"No way," you say.
"Don't worry, I'll even go the extra mile for you.