You are Trevor, a guy who is determined to get married before the month is over.
You're not looking for love, but you want to find your soul mate and have kids with her as soon as possible. Your friends all say that it's impossible, but they don't know what you've been through or how hard you've worked at finding someone special in this city of sin.
You stroll up and down the vegas strip looking for "The One".
Every time you walk by one of those cheesy stage shows where some pretty girl dances around on top of a pole, you stop and look at them longingly. The strippers have their own little world and if you can just get past the fact that these girls are sex workers then maybe there's something about
them that would catch your eye? Maybe they'd be able to give you a better life than the one you've got now. But every time you see one of them you feel like an idiot for thinking about it, so instead you go back home and watch porn on your computer.
You reach in your pocket and pull out a wedding ring that belonged to a murderous German Baron. You hope to one day give this to the woman who will spend the rest of her life with you.
Then you'll finally have everything he didn't want you to have: a family, a house, and a future. All you need is a way to get into his castle without getting killed or captured.
You head to the Castle Casino & Hotel and go to the penthouse suite to talking privately with him. You open the door and there he is, sitting behind a mountain of cocaine and edible underwear.
He looks at you and says, "Well well, I see my plans were successful."
"Yes," you say. "I'm here to ask for your help."
He laughs and asks, "Are you sure you want to marry me?"
You nod, and hand him a wig and lipstick.
"Okay then," he says. "Let's do this thing."
You put the ring on his finger and make him promise to keep it safe.
After the ceremony, you tell everyone that you're off to Europe to visit your aunt who lives near Vienna.
But you know what you'll really be doing, you are going to honeymoon in
a dungeon deep beneath the old castle. There you will have sex with your bride-to-be, impregnate her, and become the new Baron von Hausen.
It's a good plan, but you never imagined that it might take so long to implement.
Eventually you seek the help of a medical profession. You tell the doctor that you have been trying for months now and nothing you do see to result in a positive pregnancy test. The doctor looks at you both and gives you a stone cold look before asking, "Have you considered adoption?"
"No!" you exclaim.
"Well then," he says. "Maybe you should talk to your wife about it."
You leave the office feeling defeated and confused.
You try to cheer yourself up by watching some porn on your computer.
You watch your favorite porn that is titled:
"Brunette Bride Gets Her Ass Fucked By A Big Black Cock" and suddenly you hear a voice from behind you.
You turn around and see a gorgeous blonde woman standing there.
She has huge tits, long legs, and she's wearing a black leather corset that barely contains her ample bosom.
"What are you doing here?" you ask.
She smiles and says, "I came to see my husband."
You notice she walks up to your "wife" and kisses him. You are shocked to learn that your "wife" is already married to this woman!
You grab her and say, "Who are you?!"
She laughs and says, "My name is Mistress Tanya. I am your new maid of honor!"
Mistress Tanya takes your hand and leads you into the bedroom.
You get Mistress Tanya pregnant with triplets.
A few weeks later, you are in your office when you get a phone call.
"Hello?" you say.
"Hey Trevor," says your boss. "How's things?"
"Oh fine," you say.
"Just finishing up a report."
"I was wondering if you could come in on Monday. I have some stuff to discuss with you."
"Sure," you say. "Is it about my raise?"
"Yeah," he says. "I want to give you a 10% raise."
"Great," you say. "I'll be there at 9:00 AM."
Your boss hangs up and you think about how much money you're going to make once you get promoted.
You eagerly walk into the office Monday morning and notice everyone in the office has planned a surprise party for you.
"Hey guys," you say. "What's going on?"
"We all decided to throw you a welcome back party!" they say.
"Oh wow," you say. "That's very nice of you guys.
During the party, you manage to convince a considerable about of your coworkers to form a workers union.
You use the union to negotiate better pay and benefits for everyone in the company.
As the years pass, you continue to expand your business and eventually buy out your competitors.
You build an empire that spans across several states.
You eventually have the biggest franchise of
a popular fast food chain in the country.
You decide to retire and sell the company to your children.
You live happily ever after.
* * *
Ding Dong. Ding Dong.
Ding dong, yo. Ding dong, man!
Your eyes snap open as you realize someone is knocking on your door.
You sit bolt upright in bed and look around the room.
"Damn it!" you say aloud.
You stand up and pull on your pants.
You answer the door and are scared at what you see in front of you:
Standing there is a beautiful blonde woman dressed in a red latex catsuit.
Her hair is platinum blond, her skin is pale white, and she has piercing blue eyes.
She looks at you and says, "Good morning."
Behind her is a lawyer that bumbles into your home. The blonde woman explains that everything you own is now hers.
"Wait a minute," you say. "What the hell is going on? How did I end up in this crazy place?"
The woman smiles and says, "You got caught cheating on your wife."
You say, "who knew Amazon delivers Cocaine?"
You are led away in handcuffs to a van where you meet your wife.
"I'm sorry baby," you say. "I never meant to hurt you."
She looks at you sadly and says, "You can't be serious.
She look down and notices your pants are stuffed with cocaine and edible underpants.
She screams and runs outside to the street.
You quickly follow her and see her being beaten by a mob of angry women.
"Stop!" you scream. "Leave her alone!"
They ignore you and begin beating your wife mercilessly.
This enrages you and you break your cuffs and transform into
a giant monster.
You tear through the crowd and kill them all.
You then go to your wife who is crying and hugging a young girl.
"Please don't cry," you say to her.
She looks up and notices your monstrous new form:
You look down at her and say, "It's time for your punishment."
You grab her and throw her over your shoulder.
"No!" she screams. "I didn't do anything wrong!
You take her back to your lair of stagnant cocaine stale edible panties.
You dump her onto the floor and strip off your clothes.
"Don't!" she screams. "I'm not like those other women!"
You laugh and say, "Then you won't mind me putting you in chastity."
You clap your hands a bunch of hooded figures begin dancing.
"Wait!" she screams. "What are you doing?"
"Chastity," you say. "It's the only way to keep you from cheating."
"I promise I won't cheat anymore," she says.
You walk up to her and place the chastity belt... on yourself! You apologize and admit to your wife that YOU cheated and that you must never be permitted to have sex ever again!
"Okay," she says. "I understand. I'll forgive you."
You feel the chastity belt tighten around your cock and balls.
"There," she says. "Now we can be together forever."
Next time on "Lovin' La Vida Vegas":
You wake up in bed next to a gorgeous woman.
You smile and say, "Good morning."
She looks at you and says, "I'm glad you finally woke up. We have a lot to talk about."