Kim Jong-Un and the Giant Eyeball

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Sgt Decker, a US commando. You've woken up in a strange abandoned school. The walls around you are covered in korean phrases on paper garlands. As you rub your head, you hear a metallic clang in the near distance.
 It's coming from the main hall of this building and it seems to be getting closer...
You know what that means. There is no time to waste; you have to get out of here before those things come back for you.

You turn around as see Kim Jong-Un, dictator who wants to be your friend.
 He looks at you with concern but then he smiles and nods his head towards the door behind him. "I'll make sure they don't find us."
He grabs hold of a heavy metal door handle which slides open easily.

Kim Jong-Un hands you a hastily scribbled note that says "Look Up".  You look up and see
 nothing except another metal door. But Kim is still smiling and assures you: "Just go through there and keep going until you hit an old woman."
The door swings open onto a pitch black hallway beyond.

You slowly walk through the darkness until you hit and old woman right in the face.
 She starts screaming and runs away into the shadows.
"Oh shit!" Kim shouts as he tries to catch her but she gets away. You feel a sudden rush of air as something comes hurtling down the hall after them.

You run away but curious you look back to see what is chasing you and you can't believe your eyes, it is:

A giant eyeball!
Your heart sinks as you realise you are trapped in a room with one of those creepy things. What do you do?
What should you do?
* * *
This is the first mission of Operation Eyeball!

Kim Jong-Un brings in a tank that shoots out poop instead of explosives.  This gives the giant eyeball pink eye and gives you enough time to get away.

Sgt Decker, you have been promoted to Major General Decker. You will now lead a team of American commandos to rescue Kim Jong-Un from the clutches of evil.
Will you succeed?

Kim Jong-Un tells you everything he knows about the Giant Eyeballs and their plot to take over the world.  You ask, "how much of a threat are giant eyeballs, really?"

"Well," Kim says with a smile, "They're not all that bad. They love children and they never eat people. Just giant eyeballs. But they are very powerful and they can control humans."

You have the perfect plan to defeat the eyeballs, all you need is:

1. A team of US commandos
2. Some weapons
3. An army
4. Tanks
5. A giant robot
6. An old lady
7. A bunch of balloons
 Some other stuff
* * *
Which items will you buy?
"Okay, I'll start with some tanks."
You order the most advanced tanks in the American arsenal.
Next you want some weapons.
 You decide to buy some guns and ammo because you figure if you have any chance of winning against these things, you need to be prepared.
Then you need an army. You think hard and choose three of your best soldiers.

But you also need to make sure they have the latest equipment so you order them some new uniforms and gear.
Now you just need to get Kim Jong-Un out of this place and safely away from the eyeballs.

It is time.  Today you make your stand against the Giant Eyeball army.  You go to the Giant Eyeball City called
 "Eye of the Storm" and prepare for battle.
You send in your troops and the battle begins.
You use your new tanks to shoot down the giant eyeballs one by one.
Soon the city is free of the giant eyeballs.

You think the battle is won and pre maturely celebrate.  But then you notice all the goop from the dead eyeballs is heading for the center of the city to form a monstrously tall humongous enemy eyeball!

You know you must act fast. You call in your troops and give the order to attack the giant eyeball.
The soldiers move quickly and throw themselves at the giant eyeball and begin slicing off its limbs.

But the soldiers are no match for such a massive eyeball!  The tanks are also highly ineffective.  Time to bring in the big guns: you tie a bunch of balloon to the old lady and send her right into the iris of the massive monster eyeball.

"Go, Old Lady!" you shout as you watch her disappear inside the eyeball.
There is a flash of light and the giant eyeball goes up in a ball of fire!
You cheer and jump up and down as you see the smoke from the burning eyeball rise into the sky

The old lady slowly descends from the giant eyeball and when she lands on the ground she yells, "Bingo!"  Everyone laughs.

You are elated that you have saved the day and Kim Jong-Un is safe.
You are the hero of the hour!
But then the old lady turns around and says:
"I am not done yet!"

You notice the old lady grab a bucket of quarters and rush into the nearest casino to play the slot machines.

She wins every game and continues to win as she makes her way to the roulette table.
"Roulette!" she cries and begins spinning the wheel.
"You have to stop her!"
 you cry.
"Call security!"
You yell to the guards but they are too busy playing blackjack.
"No time!" you say.
You have to do something!

You rush to the roulette table, but you are too late.  The old lady has put all of money on black.  You watch in terror and roulette spins and lands on...
You hear the crowd gasp and then the old lady screams, "It's my lucky day!"
And she runs out of the casino with a huge smile on her face.
You turn to the guards and ask, "What happened?"

"We don't know," they answer.
You look back at the door and see a bunch of coins rolling across the floor.
"Did she win or lose?"

You look over and notice that the old woman has run right back into the casino and lost it all on the slots.  You shake your head in disappointed.

You walk out of the casino and begin to wonder what you should do next.
Kim Jong-Un comes up to you and asks, "Hey, Uncle Willy, how did the battle go?"

Next time on "Decker and Kim Jong-Un":

* * *
"Where are we going, Uncle Willy?" Kim asks.
"To meet the President of America," you respond.
"Cool!" Kim says.
* * *
You and Kim arrive at the White House and you are greeted by the president.