Kim Il Sung’s Car Assassin

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Kyum Pak, a guard on the southern border of the DPRK, the night has been long and the weather cold. You see a military truck drive up to your guard post. The soldier salutes you quickly before handing you a letter. You name is written on it in beautiful silky paper. This surely is coming from up high in Pyongyang. You immediately open the letter and begin reading; the letter reads:
 "Dear Comrade Pak, I am Kim Il Sung." It goes on like this for some time with more names and titles being mentioned. You continue reading until finally there is a break in the writing where Kim Il Sung says he wants you to take this new job.
 He asks that you keep quiet about what you have read as well as any other information you may know.
"I will be in touch," Kim Il Sung finishes his letter. Then he signs off and gives the letter back to you.

You look up and see the great leader Kim Il Sung is standing in front of you!  Wow, what a great honor.  You immediately burst into tears and fall to the floor.
 You hear him chuckle behind you but do not turn around. After a few moments you gather yourself together and stand back up. You salute him again and ask if you can please take this assignment.
He laughs at your request and tells you to follow him.

Kim Il Sung leaders you in a large room with a banner hanging that says:
 "General Secretary Kim Il Sung's Command Center!" On the wall hang portraits of all the great men who have served the party since its inception. There are also pictures of various military units that have done great things for the country.

Kim Il Sung hands you a manilla folder with your new assignment in it.  You open the folder and see that your mission is:
 To kill President John F. Kennedy.  You immediately close the folder and drop it to the ground.
The great leader smiles at you and tells you that you have an important task to complete for the fatherland.

Kim Il Sung says, "I know you'll make me proud." and hands you a ticket for America.  You fly to Texas and immediately go to a value store to purchase a sniper rifle.
 With the money you had saved up from working so hard, you buy a nice scope and ammunition. You then head to Dallas where you wait patiently for the right moment. Finally, after many days of waiting, the time has come.

You stand on the grassy noll and wait for the parade to begin.
 You feel very nervous because this could be dangerous. Your heart beats fast as you watch the cars slowly pass by. You see a Lincoln Continental pull up next to the limo carrying the president. You see him wave out the window and smile at the crowd.

You see the President in your scope, but you can't bring yourself to pull the trigger.  You drop the gun and it fires a magic bullet.
 The bullet hits the limo just above the door. A small explosion occurs and the car begins to shake violently. You hear the president screaming and you run away.
After you get far enough away, you stop running and start walking.

You watch the news to see what happened and are shocked that the president is unharmed, but the car is totally dead.  You have no idea how you are going to explain this to the Great Leader.

A few hours later, Kim Il Sung calls you on your cell phone and tells you that everything is fine. You are relieved but still worried about what you did.
"Comrade Pak, I am sorry to say that our plan was foiled by those stupid Americans.

Kim Il Sung says, "You are a terrible hitman, but an excellent car destroyer.  Your next mission: Destroy the Knight Rider!"

You are stunned by this new assignment. You think about it for a while and decide to accept it. You head to the nearest electronics store and buy a couple of batteries and some wire.
You drive to the airport in Dallas and wait for the right moment.

The Knight Rider drives in the twice weekly parade to celebrate Dallas and their love of parades.
 As the Knight Rider comes down the street, you see the driver's side door open and the president jump out. He looks surprised when he sees you. You shoot the Knight Rider through the windshield.

The Knight Rider rolls and hits a mailbox before exploding.  You get a call from the Great Leader later that night.
 He congratulates you on a job well done and tells you that he will be sending more jobs to you in the future.
You are happy and excited that your job will be to destroy more American cars.

For a successful mission, the Great Leader gives you: Jason from AIPD's car. The car contains Sister Act 2 DVD's, melted butter and Cory's clothes.

Now you are ready for your next assignment.
Kim Il Sung says, "We need to create a special team for missions like this. We will send you to the Middle East to eliminate the Israeli Prime Minister
's Honda Accord

You are thrilled to be given such an important assignment.
Once again you fly to Israel and wait for the right moment.
This time you see the prime minister step out of his car.

You unload on the car with your new weapon:
 a rocket launcher. You fire the missile and watch it explode against the hood of the car.
You hear the sound of a helicopter approaching from behind you. You look over your shoulder and see the Israeli army helicopter coming in to land.

You look back at the street to confirm the car is dead, but when the smoke clears, you are shocked that the car barely has a dent in it.  It must be heavily armored.

The Great Leader calls you later that night to tell you that you have been selected to assassinate the Pope
You fly to Rome and wait for the right moment.
The pope steps out of his car and into the street.
 You fire your rocket and watch it explode against the roof of the car.
You hear the sound of another helicopter approaching from behind you. You turn around and see the Vatican Army helicopter landing on the road.

You are this time, you knew the Pope Mobile would armored, so this time you use your special weapon:
 a bomb. You put the bomb inside the trunk of the car and set it off.
You hear the blast and see the smoke rise from the area. You are relieved that you were able to kill the Pope Mobile.

The Great Leader calls to congratulate you, but before he has a chance to you ask him, "Why am I destroying all these cars?  What is the purpose?"

He says, "Our goal is to build a strong and prosperous North Korea.
To accomplish this, we need to control every aspect of the economy. Cars are one of the most expensive items that people purchase.
 We want to take them away from the rich and give them to the poor.
In addition, the Knight Rider is a symbol of freedom and rebellion. This is why we will also destroy the Knight Rider once he has served his purpose."

You decide that maybe the Great Leader isn't so great after all.  You sneak into the White House and have a private meeting with President.

President says, "I know you're not really a terrorist, but you are going to help me get re-elected by killing the Knight Rider.
Your first task is to kill Jason and Sister Act 2 DVD's.

You find Jason and he is watching one of his many Sister Act 2 DVD's
. You shoot him with your gun.
After you finish shooting him, you grab the Sister Act 2 DVD's and throw them in a dumpster.
You go home and have dinner with Cory.

And dinner with Cory, you notice the Knight Rider driving down the street.  It has been fully restored.

Cory asks you if you killed Jason.
You say, "Yes."
She says, "What happened to the Knight Rider?"
You tell her that it was destroyed by an explosion.

You excuse yourself and run after the Knight Rider.  You watch as the Knight Rider pulls into a
You enter the garage and see the Knight Rider's engine is still hot.
"You can fix it!" you shout.
The Knight Rider turns around and you both stare at each other.

You tell the Knight Rider you were told by the President of the United States of America to destroy it.  The Knight Rider thanks you for sparing it's life...  this time.  The Knight Rider uses a special gadget to put you to sleep.

You wake up in the hospital bed.
You tell your mom what happened.
Mom says, "That's terrible!  I'm sorry you had to go through that."
You say, "Yeah."

You ask your Mom, "What if we never went back to North Korea?"

She says, "Well, we wouldn't have to worry about the economy because the government would control everything."
You ask, "So you think we should stay here?"
Mom says, "I don't know.

You compromise and move to Canada with your Mom.   You get a new identity and your new name is:
 John Smith.
Life is good in Canada.
One day you receive a letter from Kim Il Sung.
It says, "Dear John Smith,
Thank you for killing Jason and the Knight Rider.

You look outside your window and realize that there is no place you can hide from the Great Leader.

He knows where you live.
If you ever try to leave Canada, I will send my soldiers to kill you.
Signed: Kim Il Sung."
You decide to visit the Canadian Prime Minister.

You tell the Prime Minister you received a threat from the North Korean dictator.
The Prime Minister tells you, "I'll have to call Washington and let them know."
You say, "No!

You tell the Prime Minister that you are willing to accept any consequences for your actions.
The Prime Minister agrees and gives you permission to travel to Washington.
You pack your bags and fly to Washington D.
You land at Reagan National Airport.
A limo picks you up and takes you to the White House.
You meet with President Carter and he says, "I understand that you received a threat from Kim Il Sung."

You nod.  President Carter brings out a little derringer and shoots you.

You fall to the ground dead.
You are now the only living American citizen who has ever visited North Korea.
This is the end of John Smith.
My name is Maddy Parker.