You are Kilson, Tim Allen's neighbor.
You have a very nice house on the beach and you've been married to an attractive woman for ten years. Your wife is always complaining about how boring it gets when she has sex with you because there isn't any action in your bedroom.
While you wait to recharge, you step outside to the backyard and stare at Tim Allen's house. Tim notices and comes outside to greet you and tell you about a problem he is having with his family.
He says that his son wants to be more adventurous sexually so he has started dating women who do not wear panties.
What advice would you give him?
"Tim," I said as we walked back into my house, "I think this whole thing was just a way of getting me out here."
You give Tim some solid advice for his son: "Let the boy enjoy his youth. Eventually he will be a hideous pile of bones in the ground. So who cares"
?"
It was dark by now and we were both tired from our day of fun. We decided to call it quits for the night and went inside to watch television while we waited for the sun to come up.
On TV, there is an interesting show about two fisherman that
catch a big tuna. One of them has a daughter named Annabelle. She is beautiful and has long blond hair down past her ass cheeks. As they cook their fish, one of the men looks over at Annabelle and sees that she has no underwear on.
Tim Allen changes the channel to a new show about 3 wacky fireman that
get caught in a blizzard. They all end up naked except for their helmets and boots. On another station, there is a show where three guys are talking about going to strip clubs. The host asks if anyone ever saw a stripper without underwear on.
You keep looking through channels trying to find something wholesome to watch. You land on a show about 3 grandma's that are cracking jokes while playing bingo.
All of the grandmothers have big breasts and saggy asses. Some of them even go braless and their nipples stick straight out.
You can't believe what you see! Then the game starts and everyone begins yelling “Bingo”.
You turn the TV off and turn to Tim Allen and say, "We should make a TV show. A nice show about your family, Tim."
He smiles and says, "That's a great idea. I'll talk to my agent tomorrow."
The next morning, Tim calls you at work and invites you to lunch at his favorite restaurant.
You arrive at Tim's favorite restaurant:
"Hey Tim," you say, "I'm glad you called yesterday. I wanted to ask you about the TV show idea."
"Oh," he says, "I thought you might want to meet my agent.
His name is Jim."
"Jim," you say, "I remember you telling me that you met him last year."
"Yeah," he says, "he is very good. He got me my first deal."
Jim tells you that he has got a deal for a pilot episode. You are happy that the show has been greenlit to shoot a pilot and know exactly what the episode should be about:
"So what kind of episodes do you want to write?"
"Well," he says, "I am thinking about writing an episode where your wife goes out with a couple of other men."
"And what happens?"
you ask.
"They take her out to dinner and then they fuck her brains out," he says.
You look at Tim and say, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"
"Yes," he says, "it will be funny."
You smile and nod your head and say, "Okay, I understand. Let's start shooting the pilot episode right away."
You finish the pilot episode and eagerly await the test screening results. Jim enters the room and tells you the results:
"It was terrible!"
"But I thought you told me it was a good idea?" you ask.
"I did," he says, "but I don't know anything about TV.
You run in the test screening room and look at the test audience, they are all
laughing hysterically. You ask them why they laughed.
One man says, "Your wife was wearing a bra when she was sitting down. She didn't need it. Her tits looked like they were ready to fall out of her shirt."
You ask another person what they thought of the pilot:
"I liked it," he says, "except that I felt sorry for your wife. I mean, how could you expect her to sit around with those two men and not be horny?
She should have taken her bra off and let them suck on her tits.
You see Jim has run off. He was lying because he was clearly trying to steal the show and sell it to a different network. A fox executive gives you a deal for 5 seasons.
What do you do?
* * *
—Pilot Story
Yours sincerely,
T.F.D.,
Director,
Casting Department.
PS: We will be sending you the final script for the pilot episode.
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