Kelly Florbo – Stinky Dinks

Posted under Episode 0, Story On By Chief

You are Kelly Florbo, a scientist working for DuPont. You have just invented Stinky Dinks, a fun craft kit based on a material that shrinks when exposed to stinky smells. This is the first product that you and your colleagues at Stinko Inc. have ever created. It is the culmination of several years' worth of research into what is known as "fragrance compounds" - compounds that can be combined in various ways to produce the distinct odours associated with various scents.
You live alone in an apartment over the offices of Stinky Dinks Incorporated.
You are not afraid to get dirty if it means doing some good science. You work long hours, spending most of your time in a laboratory.
Three days until you commercial launch Stinky Dinks and you realize there is one critical flaw in the product: it requires air-dry clay for use. However, all of your attempts to secure more clay from DuPont have failed. Without proper clay, the product can't be launched on time.
You're considering taking matters into your own hands when something catches your eye on a shelf - a jar with a strange, dark brown liquid inside. You've never seen anything like this before; perhaps it could serve as a substitute for the missing clay?
You pour the liquid into a beaker and begin to heat it up in a Bunsen burner.
It works!  What a miracle.  When you ask your coworker what the substance was, he tells you that it was just a very expired can of pinto beans.
"What?" you say. "But I thought it looked like dried blood..."
Your coworker smiles. "I told you it was just pinto beans."
You smile too, although you can't help but wonder if this could also explain the mystery behind your missing beakers.
You suspect your coworker lied about the pinto beans and you follow him after work to see him enter a strange building.  You following behind and are shocked to see him leave the building carrying a strange item. A bag of dried pinto beans. You're even more shocked to hear him call the item "Stinko", his new invention which is said to make everything smell great.
You know this means: if Stinko is released, Stinky Dinks will be completely useless!  You have to do something to stop him!
You go into the building.
The hallway has three doors leading east, west and south. You open the north door.
"Aha!" you say. "You've been working with pinto beans, haven't you?
Your coworker is surprised to see you, but then begins to laugh maniacally.
"Pinto beans?" he says. "No way! You mean to say that pinto beans aren't made out of blood?!?!"
You gasp. "That's impossible... How could I have been so stupid?"
The lights flicker on and you see ten interns that went missing hanging on meat hooks with pinto bean sized wounds scattering their bodies. Your coworker laughs again. "Whoa, whoa, slow down! Just because you believe it, doesn't mean it's true..."
You look at your hands. They're covered in blood and you realize you're one of the ten missing interns.
Your coworker lunges at you, but you dodge out of the way last second.  He impales his eye on one of the meat hooks and you hit the button to raise it to the ceiling.
It snaps right off. "Wait! It was just a joke!" he cries. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"If you didn't do anything to those missing interns, why did your eyeball come flying off?!"
One of the interns wakes up and explains the situation. "We were all having an after-work party in our lab," he says. "One of the interns went to the bathroom, leaving his beaker on the table. My coworker just grabbed the beaker, made us all smell it, and said he'd found a substitute for clay."
Your coworker takes the blame.
You look around the room. "What are we going to do with you? You have to pay for this, you know!"
"Please, I'm begging you!"
While you contemplate mercy, your coworker grabs a prototype Stinky Dink and turns it into a massive blunt weapon. He points it at your face and is about to strike when you realize: Stinky Dinks. If the clay in Stinky Dinks shrinks, then so will the clay in pinto beans!  You spray the Stink Dink with the liquid from the beaker and it shrinks to nothing. The clay in the beaker does the same thing and the ten hanging dead bodies become dust.
"Whew," you say as the wind blows the dust away.
You know the world is not ready for Stinky Dinks and you have to destroy your creation.
The Stinko prototype can be found in a trashcan near the laboratory.
You set the Stinko prototype to detonate in 5 minutes.  You plant remote Stinko bombs throughout the facility and then head outside to watch the fireworks as the timer countdowns to zero.
As you leave the building, you hear your coworker scream from inside the lab. The detonations have begun, but your coworkers are still alive! They're in shock, terrified of what is happening to them.
You are fired from Stinky Dink Inc and DuPont and start your life doing what you've always dreamed: working on the next greatest invention of all time: Stinker's.
When the Stinker's prototype is complete, you sell the idea to the highest bidder (which turns out to be the military) and the world is never the same.
You are rich!
The moral of the story: if you ever find yourself in a situation like this one, it's best to stick to clay...
And stop talking about pinto beans!
Your coworker says that Stinky Dinks has been stolen and you need to stop whoever did it.