Kalamazoo Elvis

Posted under Kalamazoo Elvis, Story On By Chief

You are Elvis Presley a rock and roll star.  You are at a Burger King in Kalamazoo, Michigan.   "Hey Elvis," you say. "I have to ask, do you think I could get a free meal?"
> shimmy your hips at the customer and say "honey I don't work here."

"Honey, I don't work here!" you exclaim.  "I'm just trying to make some money for my family! Please, can we talk about this later? Right now I need a hamburger."

The woman looks at you with disgust.
> throw a junior whopper at the woman

You grab the Junior Whopper off the counter and toss it at her. She catches it, but not before she takes a bite out of your hand.

"What was that all about?" she asks.
> ask the woman if she is a zombie

"No, I am not a zombie," you say. "But I really want to eat your brains so they can be put in jars and sold as Halloween candy."

She looks at you like you just said something very bad.

"Oh no... oh no..." she says.
> ask if she can be our manager and tell her that you are Elvis and planning a comeback tour

"Yes, yes, I would love to be your manager," you say. "And then I will tell you everything about the new album."

She smiles and nods.
> quit job at Burger King, buy and old van, and hit the road with our manager

"Okay, okay, I'll take you on tour," you say. "We'll go from town to town and play for people who don't know me yet."

"Well, sure, why not?" she says.
> "show me your ID, also can you play any instruments?"

"Sure, I can play guitar, bass and drums."
> ask "what is your name and how old are you? ASL?"

"My name is Elvis and I am twenty-one years old."
"Are you deaf or just dumb?"
"ASL, yes," she replies.

You nod. "Great, well let's get going."
> demand her to name the band

"Oh, sorry, I don't speak ASL. It's Elvis Presley."

"It's Elvis and the Banditos," she says.

You smile and nod. "Good, let's go."
> invent the time machine and go back to the 1993 when Jurassic Park first arrived in theaters

You start up your car stereo and turn on the radio. The music sounds familiar, but you can't place it. You look around the parking lot and see a few cars still parked there. A couple of them even have their doors open. They must've been here earlier than you thought.
> go find Elvis's mom and try to back to the future her

You drive around looking for your mother, but you can't find her anywhere. You call out to her several times, but nobody answers. Finally you give up and decide to just wait until morning. When the sun rises, you walk outside and check on the house again.
> find Hooty from Hooty and the Blowfish and ask to tour with them.  "Elvis and the Banditos would like to have the honor to open for you."

You approach the front door and knock.
"Come in!"
The door opens up into a small living room area. There is a couch against one wall, two bookshelves, a coffee table and some chairs.

On the far end of the room sits a man dressed in a blue tuxedo sitting behind his desk. He looks up as he hears your voice coming through the door.

"Hi, my name is Elvis and this is my band, The Banditos."

He smiles and nods. "I'm Hooty and we're a new act that came to town recently. We'd love to have you guys come play for our fans."
> obtains Hooty's urine and test it for drugs

You take a seat at the edge of the couch and wait patiently while Hooty takes a pee. She doesn't waste any time before getting down on all fours and beginning to urinate right in front of you.

"What do you think?" she asks.
> say "that's perfect, I'll be right back." I take the urine to a testing lab and ask for the results

"Hmm, not bad, but I'm afraid I can't tell you anything about it except that it's clean."

"Well what does that mean?" you ask.

She pauses for a moment. "That means I don't know either."
> !flash forward to the night of the first show.

You wake up in your bed and realize you haven't been to sleep for quite awhile. You quickly get out of bed and head downstairs. As soon as you enter the kitchen, you hear a loud noise that wakes everyone up.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" someone shouts.
> ignore the shout and head to the concert venue, setup for the show tonight.  tell all the roadies "don't look at my dick!"

As you run towards the concert venue, you notice that it's completely deserted. It seems like no one has left yet. You also notice that the lights are off in the entire building.

"Hey, where's everyone else? Are they all at home or something?"
> dump goats blood on Hooty at the show rehearsal

You hurry over to the bathroom and grab a bottle of goat blood. You pour some of it onto Hooty's face and then put a rag over her mouth so she can't scream. You then rush back to the rehearsal room.
> go out to the stage and do a sound check, wave to Harvey Weinstein in the front row.  you say "I'm sure Hooty will be out soon"

You rush out to the stage and start doing a sound check. You see Harvey Weinstein standing there looking very bored.

You wave to him and he waves back.

"Is everything okay over here?" you ask.
"Yeah, yeah, fine," he says. "Where's the rest of your band?"
"They're still practicing their songs."
> introduce Harvey to your beautiful manager and then start singing "Mr Jones and Me" from the Counting Crows

Harvey looks around and sees you with your guitar. He walks over to you and puts his arm around you.

"This is so cool! This is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" he exclaims. "I just want to thank you for bringing me here today."
> ask Harvey to "help" you in the business.  pantomime penetration with all your fingers

"Help me in the business?" you ask.
"Sure, help me with this part of the act," he says. "I need you to pretend to suck my... dicks."

He grabs your hands and starts pulling them apart.
> tell him there is no reservations for sucking dick, but you'll have to sign the contract first.  "we'll suck em for real, don't worry Harvey"

"Okay, we'll suck em for real, don't worry Harvey," he says.

You turn around and walk away from him. The other roadies are looking at you like you're crazy. They think you're going to kill Harvey!
> force Harvey to sign the contract.  Slam his head into the stage and stick your guitar up his ass.

You slam Harvey's head against the stage several times and stick your guitar up his butt. You yell at him to sign the contract before you take your guitar and shove it up his rectum. He doesn't listen, so you pull out a knife and stab him in both eyes.
> forge Harvey's signature in his own blood and have your manager take it to get notorized

You make a big circle with your arms and legs around Harvey's neck, while your manager holds his hand over the top of the circle. You hold Harvey's head under water until he signs the paper. Then you drag him offstage by his hair through the crowd to get him signed in blood.
> the end

The End.