You are Judy Beaumont and you are fucking pumped! It's Taco Tuesday, man! You're going to eat so many tacos! Tacos on the right, tacos on the left! Tacos by the bucket! Tacos in your mailbox! Taco subscription boxes! Taco diner! Taco candy! Taco merch! It's gonna be awesome! You wake up in a hospital. A very expensive one. The nurse tells you that you have been in an accident and that there is nothing they can do for you. She says she will call when they know more about what happened. > You look at your medical chart to figure out what happened. The next day, you wake up from surgery. You don't remember much of anything except waking up and being put into a bed. You see your friend from work Tony, a guy who has come to the hospital so he can flirt with the female patients, and shout over to him. "Hey man, you're a fucking dead man. That hit you took put you in the hospital." You have no idea what he is talking about so you look to the nurse. "What hit me?" She tells you that he is referring to a car accident you were in. You have some fractured ribs, a minor concussion, and a sprained wrist. Your doctor, Dr. Gregory House, arrives to inform you of some disturbing news. "You had a brain injury and have a persistent cough that is most likely due to fluid in your lungs." "What lung conditions do I have? Dr. House asks if you were eating Taco Bell in the car. When you tell him no, he explains that the food and the crash caused you to inhale spicy food and have Taco Bell sauce in your lungs. Dr House tells you the taco bell sauce is causing the following 10 lung conditions: Cough due to fluid in lungs: 10% Breathing problems: 5-10% Bronchitis: 40% Pneumonia: 5-40% Fluid in lungs: 15-40% Fibrosis: 1-5% Inflammation: 40% Infection: 5-40% Cancers: 0.1-1% You have lung cancer and severe bronchitis. The doctor says you should enter the country of your dreams, Oregon. "Its beautiful," Dr. House states. Dr House leaves the room and on the wall you a frightening Message written in Salsa and Guacamole: You Die in 2013 You become suicidal. You try to forget the message, but it haunts your dreams. You decide to drop everything, including your treatment, and hit the road for Oregon. The journey doesn't go as planned. > You get on the Oregon Trail. You are on the Oregon Trail from Missouri to Oregon. It's a long way. You walk through endless storms, get lost in the mountains, and eventually have to ride a horse off a cliff to their death. you need a new ride, and attempt to wrangle a wild stallion. It's tough, but you catch the reins of the horse. Unfortunately, it's a male horse, and its terribly aggressive. It rears up and kicks you in the stomach, breaking your ribs. You grin and bear it and somehow manage to mount and stay on the bucking horse until it settles down. You can see the "Welcome to Oregon" sign and ride towards your dream country. You reach Oregon. Unfortunately, the wild horse has settled into a nice rhythm with your body as your new "new normal." You've lost all feeling in your legs and most of your stomach. It's pretty bad. > You stop at the first Taco Bell you see. You pull up to a gas station. Luckily it's one of those 24-hour places. You enter the gas station and see a line for the bathroom, but ignore it in favor of the meat aisle. Your bowels cannot contain it any longer and just as you arrive at the front of the Taco Bell ordering line you begin to diarrhea. It's a great Taco Bell diarrhea. You've released so much Taco Bell sauce into your body that it runs down your legs and onto the ground. The woman behind you in line says, "I'll have what she's having!" You collapse onto the ground, and die. The moral of the story: Never go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in a place with no bathrooms. NOTE: You will now be able to use "Literally any food as a deadly weapon.
Judy Beaumont, woman hospitalized from Taco Tuesday incident
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