This is your first day at the job. The coach walks up to you and tells you to give water to all of the baseball players. You grab a hose and start spraying water all over the players. The players' uniforms are soaked and they seem mad at you. "You're a jerk!" one yells. "I told you not to do that! I'm going to have to go pee". "Oh, sorry," you say as you walk away from them. The next day, you see the coach returning with three other men in tow. The coach informs you the men are firefighters, and they are there to teach you how to properly distribute water. He then leads you into an open area where he instructs you on how to use the hose correctly. After some instruction, you notice that the firemen are now looking at you strangely, like they don't know what to make of you. You spray the firefighters and the players and the coach. It's obvious that the firemen aren't happy about this. They begin arguing with the coach and calling him names. At this point, you feel very uncomfortable. You see the firefighters skin starts to peel off and you notice that they are secret lizardman. You look around and realize that you are surrounded by lizards. You quickly run out of the gymnasium only to be chased down by several of these creatures who attack. You spray the lizards with a hose and cry. > You try to escape the Gymnasium You run outside and try to get inside a car but it doesn't stop. You fall back and scream. A few seconds later, you hear a gunshot and then silence. You see a time traveler cowboy with a gun in his hand. He shoots another warning shot into the air and the lizards run away in fear. You awaken in a hospital bed. You remember nothing before waking up. You The cowboy is there in the room, watching you. "I'm Mick McTick, time-traveling cowboy," he tells you. "I get mighty thirsty in my travels, and I need me a good waterboy. Yee-haw!". "What happened?" you ask. "Well, you were playing catch with the firemen yesterday. Well, when you sprayed the firemen, the firemen got angry and began arguing with you. So you tried to explain yourself, but they didn't believe you". "But..". "So I had to shoot warning shots into the air". You pull out your catheter, then offer him a cup of water. "Here, drink this". You realize you handed him your catheter tube instead of the cup and before you can correct your mistake he's drunk all your urine. You wake up again in the same hospital room. You find yourself in a large metal box, which has been bolted shut. A voice comes through the door. "Hello?", you ask. "Yes, hello?" "Are you John Doe?", the voice asks. "Yeah, I am". "Who are you?" You The voice tells you, "You have been transferred to the prison hospital for urinic crimes against humanity.". Your eyes dart around the room. There is no way out of here. You break out of the metal box and realize you've been turned into a lizardman. Mick tells you that is your punishment. "Now if you promise to behave well, you'll live happily ever after", he says. You agree to become an indentured servant waterboy to Mick McTick in exchange for being released from prison. Mick instantly transports you to the American Old West, circa 1745. In the middle of nowhere, there is a small town called Rock Springs. It was once a thriving settlement, but the settlers were wiped out by a terrible plague known as the Black Death. Now, Rock Springs is home to a band of outlaws led by Johnny Ringo. You use your waterboy skills to purify the water and prevent the black death from spreading in Rock Springs. Soon, the townsfolk flock to drink the purified water. Johnny Ringo is pleased with your work. But, as usual, things don't quite turn out as planned... You realize the water causes birth defects. All the babies in the town are born with cups for hands. They are known as Chud babies. > You continue You return to Rock Springs. Johnny Ringo is disappointed by your lack of progress, but agrees to let you stay at his place for free as long as you help clean up the town. You spend most of your time cleaning up the town and drinking beer. One night, while you are drinking beer, you suddenly feel sick. You vomit blood. You say "Don't worry, it's just syphilis," say Sasparilla Sue, the town prostitute. "Legend says there's a water spring out in the badlands that can cure all ills. Maybe you and Ringo should go there..." You return to the old west. Mick McTick takes pity on you and lets you stay at his house. He promises to show you the water spring and cures you of syphilis. You travel further in the wild lands until you come across a cave. Inside, you meet a man named Jack Rabbitte. You light a torch and see that Jack Rabbitte is also a lizardman. Jack Rabbitte: "Hey! What're you doing in my cave? We're not supposed to allow outsiders in here!" Sasparilla Sue: "It's a beautiful day outside, so we're having a party in my cave. Come on in!" Jack Rabbitte: "A party? That's illegal!" You spy a slice of moldy bread on the floor of the cave and snap it up with your lizard tongue. Your syphlilis is instantly cured. The next morning, you meet a young woman who introduces herself as Mary Lou. She's married to a rancher named Jimmie Bobbitt. Mary Lou: "We've been waiting for you boys. This is our little girl, Sally. She's going to be a big star one day. Look how happy she is". One by one you see people in the cave drop dead. See Jack Rabbitte has a vial of a green fluid with a label that says "LE BLAC DEATHE" (Death By Blood). Mary Lou: "This stuff will kill anyone. If you take it, you won't die, but you'll turn into a beast. Just think, you'd look like a wolf and attack anything that moves. How would you like to be attacked by a pack of wolves or something?". You snatch the vial and drink it. You turn into a half lizardman half beast. You run away from the cave and hide in the hills. After several days, you reach a town called Honeysuckle Creek. It was once a prosperous community, but its residents were wiped out by a deadly disease called the Yellow Fever. Today, Honeysuckle Creek is home to a gang of outlaws led by Johnny Ringo. You and Mick McTick stride into the local saloon. Everyone stops what they're doing. "Pleased to meet you all, I'm Law," Mick McTick says, "and this is my partner, Order. A new day has come to Honeysuckle Creek.". Sasparilla Sue looks at you with disgust. "What's wrong with him?", she asks. "I mean, he's a nice guy, but he smells of whiskey. And what does he know about medicine anyway? He doesn't even know where Honeysuckle Creek is!" You let loose a huge roar at the crowd with your strong beast lizardman lungs. They get super scared. > You continue You continue to Honeysuckle Creek. The smell of alcohol fills the air. You walk through the fields towards the creek. Suddenly, you hear a voice call out to you. "Honey, honey, come back here!". You stop in your tracks. "Who's there?" you ask. "That's me, baby!" You see it's your long lost love, Patricia the water girl. She is dual wielding super soakers filled with the coldest purest water you've ever tasted. Patricia gives you a kiss and a bottle of vodka. "Here, have some of this", she says. "And some of that, too". You drink and drink and drink. Soon, you pass out. When you wake up, you find yourself in a hospital bed. You are back to your own time. You see a metal box on the other side of the hospital room. It opens up to reveal a small, pale creature. It's eyes are still human, but its mouth has been replaced with a pair of sharp teeth. Its skin is greyish-white and covered with black spots. Its body is hunched over and its arms end in claws. It's name is Dolly. You enter the box and find yourself in a strange world. You ask Dolly who she is. She tells you she is an entertainment reporter for Bravo, but she's is on vacation and will guide you through this mysterious new world. Dolly: "So, you're a writer. Do you want to write about us? We're very popular right now. We're on tour right now. We've got a movie coming out soon, and we've sold tens of millions of albums. And we're gonna make lots more money". You say "No, i'm not a writer. I'm a waterboy. I give water to athletes who need water.". She laughs. "Oh, really? Well, then maybe you should go talk to the owner of this place. He might know something about this place. It's called the Zoo". You emerge into the Zoo. It is an intergalactic nightclub. There are hundreds of aliens there, and they are thirsty. You spray them with water, and while they drink, you find the owner and talk to him. Zoo Owner: "Hey! What are you two doing here?! We don't serve humans here!" Dolly: "Well, I'm just a water boy, and I came down here to talk to the owner because I heard the zoo was having a party tonight, and it sounded pretty fun. So, what do you think?" You continue. The owner smiles. "Yeah, yeah, I can tell you're excited. But, before you go any further, I gotta warn you. The zoo isn't open yet. I'm sure you wouldn't want to spend the night here". Dolly: "But...but..". You say "It's settled! WE ARE SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE." At this point, you notice the owner has a gun in his hand. You don't understand why he would do such a thing, but he takes it and points it at you. Owner: "Now listen carefully, kid. This is our VIP area. All guests must show their tickets to gain access". You show him your lizard skin with boils and blisters from the many diseases running rampant through your body. The owner says "That'll do, come on in.". Owner: "Alright, let's start off slow, shall we?". You walk around the bar and order drinks. Owner: "How much did you say these are for one person?" You reply "One glass each of vodka and cranberry juice" Owner: "Hmm, I like your taste. Alright, come on, let's get going". You look at Dolly and ask "What sex are you?". Dolly: "Um, I'm female, sir". Owner: "Aww, poor baby. Don't cry, though. Come on, let's head to the VIP area". You give Dolly a piece of moldy bread. "Put this in your cooch," you tell her. She does so and immediately turns into a beautiful woman, reinforcing all of your misogynistic gender norms. The Kool-Aid man sees the transformation and yells, "OH YEAHHHHH!!!!!". You follow the man and eventually reach the VIP section. The man leads you to a table where you see a bunch of people dancing and drinking. The man begins speaking to a guy next to you. "This is my friend, Bob. He works for a company called Fuzzy Wuzzy Productions. They produce movies, music videos and commercials". You say "So, porn, right?" Bob: "Porn? Oh no, not at all. They only do music videos and commercials". The man looks at you and says "Okay, well, if you guys work together, we could make some big bucks! Let me introduce you to my partner, Mr. X". You see the bald man wearing a suit and in a wheelchair. He tells you "I'm Charles Xavier, let's make some mutant porn together Mr Chud". > You refuse You say "No way, that sounds like a bad idea. I have to work with someone else". Charles: "Aw come on, you said it yourself. I'm working with someone else. We're gonna make some mutant porn together!". You say "Fine, I won't be working with you". Charles: "Fine, fine, whatever". Dr. X introduces you to his number one mutant pornstar, Gagneto. You are unimpressed. Gagneto: "Hi, I'm Gagneto. I am the hottest mutant porn star in the galaxy, and I'd love to meet the boss of yours, Mr. X". Charles: "Oh geez, you wanna meet Mr. X? Why yes, I suppose I could take you up on that offer". You see Gagneto controlling a bunch of flying dildos with his mind. He says "Wow, you've got a lot of balls coming along with your intelligence. That's good, because I'm tired of being the top dog. Now, let's get to work". Charles: "Wait, wait, hold on. You mean you're not gonna kill me now? I thought you were a pacifist..". You begin taking your clothes off. Charles: "Why should I care? It's not like I'm getting paid anyway. Besides, I'm not even gonna enjoy this. It's gonna be boring as fuck". Suddenly, you feel an icy cold touch on your crotch. You turn around and see Dr. X standing behind you. Dr. You realize Dr. X has used his cockblock ray on you. You are as limp as a man with uneven legs. Dr.X: "Well, looks like you didn't really change your mind after all. Well, there's nothing more for me to do except finish you off and put you out of your misery". Dr.X grabs your dick and starts pumping it into his mouth. You scream in agony and try to fight back. Dr.X: "Ha ha!" You hear Mick McTick yell "Cut! Ok Dr X that's too forward, be more subtle with it until we've built up an emotional connection". Dr.X continues to suck on your dick while you continue to struggle. Finally, Dr.X stops sucking and puts his face close to your crotch. Suddenly you feel something warm splashing your face and then a burning sensation. Your eyes widen when you see blood leaking down your neck. Dr.X: "Ahh, that feels nice. See how easy it was?" You realize Dr. X tried to bite your dong off, but it has a Adamantium core, so it grows back immediately. You scream in pain and fall backwards. Charles runs over to help you and he tries to stab Dr.X, but Dr.X easily dodges and punches him in the jaw. Dr.X: "HAHAHA! See how easy I can be? HAHAHAHAHA! Ha ha!" Suddenly, Dr.X grabs your arm and throws you against a wall. You say "And that's our Ad for Dasani water, what do you think?" A bunch of men in suits get out of their seats and clap. They run the ad, which is 20 minutes long, and too everyone's surprise it is a huge success. You are truly a water boy for the ages. The next day, you wake up from a nap and find yourself naked. You look around and see several other mutants doing various things. One of them is a girl who seems very happy. She walks towards you and kisses you. You smile and nod. Then she turns to others and smiles and they kiss her too.
Josiah Chud, waterboy for a baseball team
Posted under Episode 95, Story On By Chief