Jonny Pain, gangster and ballet dancer who dreams of winning the US Ballet Competition

Posted under Episode 147, Story On By Chief

You are dancing in a meat locker to prepare for the big ballet competition. You are trying to hide from your fellow gangsters that you dance because you are worried what they will think of you.

You are also hiding from yourself. Your father is dead and your mother has left town. You have been living with your Aunt Helen, but she is not accepting of gay men and her daughter is too busy to take care of you anymore. So now you are on the streets of New York City where you can be whoever you want.

You visit your Aunt Helen's house, where you throw the football around with her and drink beer. She slaps you on the back and it hurts, but you act like it doesn't.

Then you go into the bathroom and use the john until you get hungry again. Then you eat an ice cream cone.

You eat the ice cream cone in a very gay way while you stare at Aunt Helen.

> You continue... Aunt Helen: Hey! What are you doing? Jon: I'm eating an ice cream cone. It's my gay way of saying thanks. Aunt Helen: Oh come on, Jonny! This isn't funny. Jon: But it IS kind of fun. Aunt Helen: No, this isn't fucking funny!

You confess that you are a ballet dancer and you ask for her blessing. She refuses and calls you a ladyboy. You smash the ice cream cone on her table.

Jon: Hey, I'll show you how "gay" I am! (he throws another one) Okay, I'm done. Aunt Helen: You're not going to show me how "gay" you are by throwing away half of your food! You need more than that! Get up off your ass and do something useful with your time!

You storm out of Aunt Helen's house. You decide to do a drive-by shooting on a rival gang's drug house to make yourself feel better.

You shoot up several people in the parking lot of a crack house. When you see some police officers coming toward you, you stop firing. The cops arrest you and you spend the next few days in jail before you get bail money from the judge.

You wink at the judge and blow him a kiss.

He tells you he won't send you to prison. When you get home, you find that your aunt has moved out of the house and your uncle has taken over as head of the family.

You say "Uncle Mark, what happened? I heard you made Aunt Helen sleep with the fishes. Oh and by the way, I sleep with men and like to dance ballet."

He just smiles and says "I told you so". Back in your old neighborhood, you go down to the local bar called the Blue Goose. There is a man there named George who works at a car wash nearby. He gets drunk every night and talks about his sexual adventures. One day he walks in the door. George: Hey, you're Jonny Pain, right?

You ask George "Tell me about your sexual adventures please.".

George: Well, I've had sex with a lot of different types of women. Some were pretty ugly and some weren't. A lot of them were black though. Jon: Black? George: Yeah, and I liked 'em all. Jon: Uh huh. George: And then there was this one chick, she was white. Jon: White?

George: Yeah, but she wasn't really pretty, she was just hot. Jon: Okay, well tell me about your last girlfriend. George: Um, she died in a freak accident. Jon: What kind of accident? George: She fell off a roof and broke her neck. Jon: Oh, that must suck.

George: Well, it didn't matter, because I still loved her. Jon: Oh yeah? George: Yeah. Jon: Well you know what that means, don't you? George: Yeah, I guess. Jon: Tell me about it. George: Well, we were together for awhile, but then she got pregnant by one of those freaks. Jon: Freaks?

George says, "Yeah the hippie dippie ballet dancers, if I come across another ballet dancer, I'll beat the shit out of those tap dancing freaks!"

So after she gave birth to that baby boy, she said she wanted to get married to a real man, and she chose me. Jon: Really? George: Yeah. Jon: Wow. George: Yeah, it was great. Jon: That's great. Jon: How did you meet? George: We met at a party. Jon: At a party?

You ask George "Do you want to see a dead body? I can show you one. I'm a homosexual gangster." and you wink at him.

So he goes "Well okay, let's go to the party". Jon: So you came to the party too? George: Yeah, and then we went to a strip club, where I danced naked for some strippers. Jon: Did they take pictures of you? George: Yeah, I took a bunch of pictures. Jon: Wow, Jonny, you're a photographer.

You show George you have naked pictures of him and add that you will blackmail him.

Jon: What? George: What? Jon: What are you talking about? George: Well, I mean, you showed me nude photos of you and threatened to blackmail me. Jon: Huh? George: Yes. Jon: What?! George: Well, I thought you were joking or something. Jon: I was kidding! I meant that you would be able to blackmail me.

You make an obscene sexual gesture and start to take your clothes off in the middle of the bar.

Jon: Are you serious? George: No, no. It's just that when I saw you taking your pants off at the party, I knew you were serious. Jon: Well, I was kidding. But you know what? I think you should give me a chance. I mean I haven't even been here long enough to do anything bad yet.

suddenly the rival gang does a drive by and shoots rounds and rounds of bullets at the bar.

Jon: What the fuck?! George: This place ain't gonna survive this shit! Jon: Wait, wait, wait! I haven't done anything wrong! George: (coughing) You don't understand! Jon: You gotta calm down! George: (coughing again) I don't wanna die! Jon: I don't wanna live!

You kiss George goodbye and then ballet dance your way outside in the middle of the gun fight.

When you get outside, you run into a guy named Jerry who is wearing a clown suit. He runs up to you and starts kissing on you. Jon: Oh my god! It's Jerry! George: (crying) Please help me! Jerry: (laughing) Ohh, don't worry, you won't regret this, Jonny. Jon: NO!